I'll cross my heart and hope to die; before I have a chance to lie.

how my heart behaves.

2008-05-06T23:52:00.003-04:00

we leave for california in less than a month... well hopefully. and really it is a trip to LA. we are landing in LAX. we are stayin in LA [or very close to it]. but i reallllllllllllly want to take a day out and hit up Huntington Beach. at first i thought it was an excellent possibility with public transportation. now i hear that's it close to an hour drive. i don't give a fuck if its a 4 hour drive, i still want to go. that's really all i want to do. well outside of LA. in LA, i'm sure we will be doing lots of fabulous shopping and dining. and visiting the santa monica pier but i wanna see PCH. i wanna walk the streets that i've heard some of my favorite people talk about for like 5/6 years now. i wanna point and go "oh that's the place where ____". i want to lay around and go for long walks on the beach. i want to smell, taste, touch the pacific ocean. that doesn't happen in LA. but most of all, i just want to be apart of something bigger than me. i want to feel like "this is where i belong." maybe not permanently. maybe not for the rest of my life. but just for a day, just for an hour, i want to feel what it's like to not live in a shit hole. what it's like to walk around a city and see more sand than pavement. and maybe just pretend that there's still hope in the world.

i'm holding no expectations for this trip. hell at this point, i'm not even expecting this trip will happen. i'm hoping, praying and wishing. it would be nice to see joel while we are there. it would be nice to see josh while we are there. it would be nice to see my HB [if] we are there. it would be nice to eat at the Ivy with lindsay fuckin lohan while we are there. but all of that doesn't even matter to me honestly. i want to just go on a plane again. i want to have butterflies in my stomach. i want to have all my things packed. i want to feel independent. i want to get away from this state of pain, anger and disappointment in me. i don't want to be tied down. i don't want to worry about if chris is gonna be somewhere. i don't want to worry about what i say or can't say. i don't want to worry if i have under eye circles or if i look fat. i just want to fucking live and be happy with my best friend.

because my bulletins don't work.

2008-05-04T00:59:00.001-04:00

Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
yeah, a few. some i hate it. and some i have to let it happen for my own good.

Who is someone you'd like to fix things with?
Benj and Chris... but ironically enough, i'd be more comfortable seeing Benji right about now. just too much stuff there with Chris.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
all the time... but does it count if they are hittin on you? haha

What have you learned lately?
to liveeee. and to love myself.

Do you trust people too easily or not enough?
i don't trust at all.

What's the color of the soap in your shower?
dove white.

Do you ever bite your lip?
when i'm turned on.

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
oh shit i dunno. which is a really good feeling.

Are you ticklish?
super.

Do you ever keep arguing even when you know you're wrong?
yeahhhh, I always win somehow too. i'm too stubborn.

What are you listening to?
i was listening to Linsday Lohan hahaha now it's Simple Plan.

Is there someone you want to fight?
no, not really. wouldn't mind slappin around some people though. It's more Ericka's fight than mine but I can't stand the bitch either.

Are you missing anyone?
definitely missin some familiar faces.

Where do you wish you were right now?
Huntington Beach, California.

Ever found lyrics to a song that almost exactly describes you?
all the time. usually it's City & Colour or Morrissey/The Smiths.

Who were the last people you ate lunch with?
last Friday, with my bestest Meghan Leigh.

Was yesterday a good day?
eh. Smackdown could've been better.

What are you looking forward too?
motherfucking June. Dad in the car today was like "so you are leaving in a month?" and my heart stopped for a second haha

Something you need to do?
homework.

How was this weekend?
it's ok.

Have any plans for the weekend?
avenged on MTV2 tonight then working out. and papers all afternoon tomorrow.

Where is the person you like right now?
that should be 'people' haha and they are both in HB... well that I know of, they are leaving pretty soon though.

Last time you consumed alcohol?
last night.

Do you like your life as of now?
yeah. i don't have too many complaints.

How's your heart lately?
pretty damn good. its clearing up some space.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
yes.

How old are you right now?
21.

Did you have a good birthday this year?
my birthday is October 16th.

Have you ever been called a tease?
hahaha allllllll the time. and i am a cock tease, i've embraced it. you aint gettin in between these thighs.

Where are you going on vacation next?
CALIFORNIAAAAAAAAAAA [knows how to party.]

Three days from now will you be in a relationship?
ummmm, why am i thinkin no? haha someone flyin to me Australia in the next three days?

Is there anyone who doesn't like you because of something you didn't even do?
I don't know, I don't care.

Do you like your first name?
I love it.

Do you like to cuddle?
oh yeah. i'm a spooner.

Do you have any siblings?
meghan. but ryan and kate get honorable mention too. close enough. katy calls me her 'god sissy' haha i don't even know what that means but it's cute.

Close in age?
megson is my age. kate is 11. and ryan is...17? i dunno he's graduating this year and we are both libras, so i think so haha

Where will you live when you're older?
definitely to be determined. was toronto. now who the fuck knows. someone find me a PR job with the Lakers hahaha oh god, my dream job.

Who was last to comment you?
Meg and Ericka... i approve my comments so it was at the same time haha

Three words to explain why you last threw up?
just one: sick.

Where did your last hug take place?
i don't remember. i think in Meg's car?

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?
nope.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
nahhh. I still got RIT to get through.

Where is your father right now?
living room, on the computer.

Do you love anyone?
oh, many. many don't even know.

Does a kiss make you feel better?
if it's from a hot dude sure.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
when i get in.

Who was last person to call you?
i dunno, someone i didn't know. that's why its a missed call haha

Where is your cell phone?
sitting beside me on the nightstand.

What can you do with $71?
keep Matt busy................ at first i didn't mean that to sound sexy but yeah, that too ;]

Are you smiling?
after that last question, yes haha

Are you drinking anything?
coffee.

What was the last thing you purchased?
Syn Gates camo hat last night.

What are you wearing right now?
Chanel V neck and my comfy jeans.

Look down, what do you see?
cleavage hahaha

Something on your mind?
if MAC makes a mineral powder foundation?

Happy this shit is over?
whatever, i'm still bored haha

i'm such a fuckin nerd sometimes

2008-05-02T01:05:00.000-04:00

i mean honestly, it's kind of freaking me out that i like two brothers haha no less twin brothers. i HATEEEEEEEE whenever girls who "want" them speak of them and it's always in pairs like "i love the berrys" or "Matt and Jason" this. then i realize I'M ONE OF THOSE GIRLS!

i am well aware that they are separate people. granted for me, it's more because i don't care which one i get i suppose hahaha maybe i'll let them choose. yeah, maybe that's what my brain is thinking... or maybe it just likes the option of both at different times. it's really a win win. jason i think is more outgoing and loud and funny as fuck... good for a party or hanging out. but matt is more like the guy i can bring home to dad and won't embarrass me in front of meghan. too bad my subconscious doesn't like the option of threesomes with brothers hahaha

ewww - honest to god, yes it freaks me out. you wouldn't think so with the mind i have but, yes definitely does. and if its gonna be a threesome, you know one of them is gonna be matt sanders hahaha i'm not a fangirl, i don't hate val, i don't google his phone number, i don't know his favorite color. but whatever, the dude is hot. and if i'm having thoughts about wild sex, shadows is in there. i'm not a bad person... honestly! haha

but to sum up my point...

and jason's face is like that becauseeeeeeee:

AUTOGRAPHS?! all of a sudden i feel like less of a freak hahaha pictures with sexy, funny men... maybe. AUTOGRAPHS OF ROADIES? ummm no. if i'm going home from an A7X show with sharpie stains on my arms its gonna be phone numbers; mmmm k?

ohhh PS - Matt has the Misfits' Vans Slip Ons, but Jason has Famous Stars and Straps hats; NOT EVEN PERSONAL STYLE IS GONNA HELP ME DECIDE! jesus christ, i feel like i'm having an election of my own in November.

ya know i make ya wanna...

2008-05-01T01:59:00.005-04:00

soooo many sweaty biceps, so little time...
even zack, whut up stud?!

oh and who is this creature?

mmm hmmmmmm.
*& for meghan's future reference* - that's jason hahaha
oh my god, i am such a whore. i have these thoughts about him and his brother. at least it's not at the same time... yet. then we might really be in trouble.

things.

2008-04-29T01:31:00.002-04:00

-safari makes everything look so much more prettier haha thank you apple/mac
-the lakers swept those bastards in colorado [meghan knows how i feel about that state hahaha]
-the first half of this day was just horrible. a lot of crying. a lot of being antisocial. a lot of just plain discontent. but the second half was so much better. maybe because i had things to do to keep my mind off of it. like the yankees [who also won btw], then How I Met Your Mother which is always entertaining, then RAW [which most of that was spent talking to Ericka via MySpace about it at the same time shit was happening], then the lakers winning... then
-i got lurked by jason hahahahaha thank good for my boobies. well this weekend, i commented him and was like "mmm hmm; look at those sexy biceps!" [hahaha i'm incapable of lying] and he hasn't been on since around 9. and i noticed that my page views went up. but i didn't get my hopes up cuz it was the same time i was talkin with Ericka. and i got so distracted that i forgot about it... untilllllll i noticed he was online again. 2x in a few hours for JB is pretty astounding haha i've been on the same time as him before and it's very quick on and offs. but this time, he didn't add anyone, or apparently read his messages [this was what i learned from a comment - i don't know his email no less guess a password to hack him haha]. so yeah... does nothing on myspace... except lurk me and others. i love it hahaha oh and i know this because of my "tracker" HB views, same time he was on and my myspace page views changed too at the same time.

usually something doesn't work but it did tonight, which i guess was a real blessing because... i so needed it today. i'm such a nerd and i let lil things make me happy. but it doesn't take much to put a smile on my face. not at all. and thinking about this man:

thinking about me? [to the left] it makes me smile. yes yes it does. shut up hahaha

oh and just to be super kinda whorish...

first one, JB and... fan?
second one, Matt and... fan?

and what does that equal for Sam?
seeing how similar they are, being unable to choose one flat out for personality/humor/traits, and thinking both are god damn adorable... even with people that they don't know haha

something tells me i'm gonna sleep very well.

love lost.

2008-04-27T01:45:00.000-04:00

Luke: Anybody here? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute? It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow... killed people in the war and got drunk... and chewed up municipal property and the like. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right.
[Gets on knees, closes eyes and begins to pray]
Luke: On my knees, asking.
[Peeks up with one eye, waits. Then opens eyes and crosses arms]
Luke: Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case.
[Clicks tongue]
Luke: Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way.

my favorite movie is cool hand luke, the hustler, or cat on a hot tin roof. i can't pick one because they are all equally amazing. but cool hand luke has been on a lot lately... and i like to think there's a reason for it.

Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far
I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

my favorite band right now is avenged sevenfold. non stop. and when i got to urge to cry i said to myself "just put on A7X". the first song windows media chose was 'afterlife'. i'd like to think there's a reason for it.

right now it's april 27th. the time span between now and tomorrow, april 28th, i will be a motherfucking mess. excuse my language, but it really is how to best describe it. on thursday, april 28th, 1994, my grandfather died. i was 7 years old. i'm 21 now. and it feels like it happened yesterday. even to this day. as strong as i think i am, i'm breaking down. i always do. he was not only my grandfather, he was my best friend, he was my mentor, he was my father, he was my babysitter, he was my teacher, he was my little league batting coach, he was my horse trainer, he was my provider, he was my everything. he was my hero. and to this very minute as i lay in bed, in my room, with my dog sleeping soundly next to me, i haven't been home since he left. i miss him more than any other person i have ever encountered. i miss his laugh and his smile and his broken nose and wise green eyes and his hugs more than i could ever say and more than i could ever have words to say.

i want sooo much to be saved. or maybe i just want so much to have someone who wishes they could save me. i've become so fucking numb the past few years of my life in terms of love and relationships. and i don't know how that happened. my father says he married his soulmate. my grandfather used to write my grandma love letters even after she died... what happens if i get none of that - ever. i can't handle being my aunt marie. with all her anger and jealously at everyone else except herself. and i won't.

i always turn to men. my first instinct was to watch cool hand luke on AMC today because Paul Newman [even now] looked so much like my grandfather. and his character is my grandpa to a tee. never back down, never surrender. you can never tell him to stay down even if you could beat him, you could never defeat him. and that was my papa. the first man i ever put on a pedestal. the first man that loved me without any judgment. the first man that i cried the whole night for. the first man to shatter my heart completely. some people just never learn.

that transcript up there was the last scene of the movie. luke is in a church when he's speaking to "the big guy". that was where he died in the end.

the lyrics are from sevenfold's song 'afterlife'. which stuck me on just as many cords as my favorite movie. my grandfather was my place of peace and light and i hope that i get to see him again when i leave this place. that is really the only thing we live for isn't it? that our afterlives are better than the ones we live now. i don't care at all about what happens to me, i just want to see my papa again. please God, just let me see my papa again.

that picture above the lyrics of matt sanders..... that's my hero and image of strength now. hard to believe, right? i can talk more freely about this and him now that meghan knows. i remember the first time i saw him, even in all his gorgeousness i thought "oh my god, he has amazing eyes." he has the same color eyes as my grandpa. bright green with a light yellow encircling them. sometimes i just wonder where would i be if i didn't have the feeling of empowerment that him and his best friends have given/gave me. the only way i keep from not being on meds or the feeling that i want to kill someone or hurt myself, is by music. only his music as of late. not only avenged but bleeding through as well. i still can't talk to scheppati either. but to be honest, Brandan reminds me more of my father. the typical italian look ya know? dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin. i love my dad, but he really has no idea what i do in my free time or in my social life. i told him "dad you wouldn't even recognize your daughter at an avenged sevenfold show." and it was like he already knew, he just smiled and said "i'm sure." they are such a blessing to me. the only reason i'm starting to calm down now is because i'm singing 'a little piece of heaven'.

i started with grandpa covering my eyes when i was a little girl whenever The Undertaker came on and did the eye thing. i didn't want to look. it scared me to look. now i try to do it myself. figuring out how he does it. even this friday during smackdown, i tried haha the past and the present really isn't that far apart for some things.

it's alright to feel the way i feel, it's better than not feeling anything at all.

RIP papa, i love you more and more everyday. i hope you are with grandma and uncle noko, watching the horses or finally seeing frank sinatra in concert. i'll be up there eventually and you can teach your little dolly all the things i need to learn most. you are my only hope in humanity. everyone else is just human. i might have my favorites but you will forever be alone on my pedestal.

----------------
Listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Afterlife

this is the

2008-04-21T02:45:00.002-04:00

coolest fuckin thing i've ever created.

so proud of myself.
all together, i'd say it took about 4/5 hours to make? like coming up with the coding was the hardest part haha i love the leopard print behind the headers - gives it an extra sexiness to it. i don't know if the background makes sense but whatever. i like it. ericka said she liked it - granted she was the first one to see it and is featured in it hahaha but still. i know her well enough already that if she didn't like it she would have told me. she's honest and bold like that.

i don't know how long the top is lasting though.
honestly... it scares me a lil hahahaha

come closer...

2008-04-18T02:23:00.003-04:00

i have a secret to tell you...

i love this website!
hulu.com - FREE, FULL episodes, EVERY show i love or loved, can be added to ANY website, and with few or NO commercials. and it's completely legit so no one can try and delete it from under you like youtube does.

and they just added "How I Met Your Mother" - i'm in heaven.

i mean seriously... look at this list: http://www.hulu.com/browse/network/tv

prison break, the office, HIMYM, the bad girls club!, dirt, back to you... even wrestling! urghhh all my guilty pleasures... wentworth, john, jason and bitches hahaha

ok bedtime, more viewing tomorrow.

sometimes...

2008-04-17T03:22:00.002-04:00

i don't know why i do things. but something told me to view rachael's blog entitled "my friends"... and her 10 people she chose for this survey were none i knew.

fine. awesome. to be expected.

then i decided to look at her older ones, and thats where the real disappointment and anger and frustration took hold. having ones in 05 like "hanging at samies with her and meggy." or seeing comments i left her that ended in "i love you". or blog comments from 05 from meghan like "i hope i get to see you over the summer! <3 Meggy Megson" and kristel even saying that she loved her and to keep her chin up. and now rach has the audacity to ask her if she even knows her?!?! and it just came out and i started crying. even yesterday, a few tears came out when i saw evan's new pix because i thought "he should have an aunt sam." she never had a fuckin clue. it has always been and will always be rachael, rachael, rachael. and i'm fuckin sick of it. i deleted her off my buddy list and made it private. when may comes around we are doing absolutely nothing besides getting my fucking shoes back. fuck it. i'm so sick of convenient friends.

i mean, i have jenna in cali-fuckin-fornia telling me that she wants to meet me because of how much i inspire her and even though i'm 3000 miles away something about me radiates. i have ericka and jenny who i write like pages and pages of feelings and shit to this past week and will get pages and pages back just because they understand and can relate and fuckin share. even though jenna is 25 and jenny/ericka is 17, it doesn't matter because they care enough to be nice to me... hell, even more than nice. jesus fuckin christ, i even commented dave tryin to be funny asking him to teach me how to be metal and he comments back "perhaps when you are out here." the thought of hangin with the dear and departed alone was enough to make me smile/laugh. and yet, all of those messages or feelings don't even begin to compare to my best friend. i can't sleep at night unless we've said 'nite, love ya' s. i do not ask for much. and it doesn't take much to win me over.

i'm such a smart girl, but i'm such a sucker for trying to be nice to her. partially because i blame myself. partially because i think she needs a friend. but she doesn't. she would have noticed wayyyy before now how loyal i am, just like meghan tells me i am like every birthday or thanksgiving or christmas. i'm not a jealous person. i'm not a dramatic person. fuck, i'm not even a sad person anymore. but there's something about rachael that just makes me want to put a baseball bat to her skull.

over it.

4 am. bedtime and making a new layout with meg's ideas in it tomorrow. fuck you. i'm a dork. and i enjoy making shit that requires me lookin at HB dudes for hours on end. at least someone sees it and tells me they appreciate it. at least i don't have a one year old kid, fat ass, bird nose, sagging tits or a deadbeat baby daddy. ohh ok, that was a lil mean. i will retract that previous sentence.

fuck, i'm such an angry person inside. one of these days... just watch the fuck out. i need a good laugh to make me feel like i'm not such a terrible person. to feel light and easy going again. cuz right now, i'm just stressed, >:|

better...

2008-04-15T21:01:00.002-04:00

than before.
than most.

off.
<3

i had a waterloo view today... and i had to feel nothing.

2008-04-15T00:22:00.003-04:00

80 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Whats your middle name?
Alma, after Grandma

How big is your bed?
Big enough ;]

How is the weather right now?
chilly.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
dad?

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
I think their clothing and eyes.

Favorite type of Food?
italian. or chinese!

Do you want children?
In the future, maybe.

Do you drink?
only when i need to.

Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
nah. portions - yes lol

Hair color?
natural? light brown. right now - red/brownish.

Eye color?
greenish brown.

Do you wear contacts/glasses?
no, I want colored contacts though.

Favorite holiday?
i'm too old to have a favorite.

Favorite Season?
Probably Spring thru Fall.

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
hahahaha no never *eye roll*

Last Movie you Watched?
No Country for Old Men -- wtf?!

What books are you reading?
Glamour. Vogue. Nylon.

Piercings?
2x ears...if i wear them.

Favorite Movies?
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof...and really any other with Paul Newman.

Favorite college football team?
Oh, I don't care about college sports.

What were you doing before filling this out?
Checking in with my Styled myspace

Any pets?
Bubbies<3

Dogs or cats?
both please; and horses; and pandas; and dolphins.

favorite flowers?
lilies!

Who would you like to see right now?
...i don't even want to say. [refer to plane question]

Have you ever fired a gun?
Yup.

Do you like to travel by plane?
YESSSSSSS - woot June will be the next trip

Right-handed or Left-handed?
Righty.

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
...i don't even want to say this either. [refer to plane question]

and i definitely counted and theres 26 questions listed, not even close to 80.
stupid myspace.

you know who you are.

2008-04-12T19:25:00.004-04:00

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.

I opened up my life to you
I've told you everything I knew
You listened so close
You listened so close when love was just a way out

But you're going deaf now
Yeah you've turned your head around

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

You blew up the world I built for us
Destroyed our secret universe
Threw out the trust I put in you
Making me feel like I'd been used

And now I'm reminded
That I was just blinded.

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

I'm doing fine, you'll be alright
Maybe you'll think of me tonight...
You're doing fine, I'll be alright
Just give me time, yeah...

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
I don't want to hear you're doing fine
Don't wanna hear I'm without you now.

I'm without you now

We are both without you now. It is better this way. Not like you give a shit. I'm trying not to notice things. Things that used to make me smile or giggle, things that now make me roll my eyes or scrunch my eyebrows. I'm learning to change even thinking about them. These relationships that I never even had... maybe because there weren't any chances. Or maybe because those chances ran out. It's ok; it's ok; it's ok. Nothing ever comes easy for me, but that's fine. That's how I learn. See all the men I seem to be tied to have one thing in common -- the road. For some reason, that's who I'm attracted to, since I was what 15? They are always leaving, or I am always leaving. That may be the problem, but I don't care. They aren't the problems with my heart/brain/gut, it's me. And I need space. I can handle long times apart, girls, drunks, trouble, what have you. I'm not jealous, or needy, or dramatic. What I can't handle is being lied to. What I can't handle is putting him a pedestal. No matter how gorgeous, no matter how sweet, no matter how strong - they are all human. They are going to make mistakes, and I can respect that because I make mistakes too... we all do. But I feel I need something now. And I always make something out of nothing, so I think I'm ready for makin another round of this shit haha

jaded.

2008-04-08T18:25:00.002-04:00

it's safe to say, i have a lot on my plate. and i mean on any regular wednesday. not when my stress level is up, not when something's due. every single day. growing up means learning how to deal with every day as it comes in a healthy way. i've been an adult since i was seven. death doesn't really effect me anymore. tears don't really effect me anymore. sometimes i just feel dead inside. or numb. or comatose. dad never used to cry. i can't remember the last time i saw him cry. these past two months, he cries every time my mom has a seizure. every. time. and he can't even learn how to use his bank card without me. and i just don't the patience. today after my mom had the seizure, he started crying. right at the hospital. and my first thought was "jesus christ, get over it". and i was appalled with myself. i had a few tears fall too, but not like crazy sobbing... and i'm a crier [ask meghan].
i just don't know how to deal with things anymore. i feel bad for mom, my first thought is always about her. and it's usually "this poor woman." because there's nothing else i can do for her. but his crying fits as of late, just make me roll my eyes. i'm a horrible person. i must be. i remember when i was a little girl, i used to cry for every one. like he cried. he used to tell me: "you're gonna do this everytime?"
all of his uncles have/had alzheimer's. i think grandpa died before he would have gotten it to. i remember when his Uncle Don used to cry from just seeing his daughter from Jersey. Dad always said the disease makes you: "once a man, twice a boy."

i can't handle Mom's MS getting worse.
i can't handle a boy.
i can't handle me thinking about either of those.

"you do what you have to"
...i don't know what i have to do, so please don't tell me another cliche like that. drinking doesn't help. getting laid isn't going to help. therapy doesn't work. pills don't work.

rubbish.

hahahaha oh horoscope

2008-04-07T17:19:00.002-04:00

"A lover's attentions make you feel like you're walking on air. They will do anything to make you happy."

haha lover? wow astrology you were wayyyy off on this one. although, i did make a new layout and people like it, so that makes me feel good. but lover? no. not in the least. i forgot how to fuckin spell the word 'boyfriend'.

tell the promoter

2008-04-06T21:00:00.002-04:00

we need Morrisseys, we just sold out all the floor seats.
lovin Estelle's song "American Boy" ft. Kanye. she's been around awhile and am really surprised that she hasn't hit it big in the US before now, but that's ok. we all get out 15 minutes eventually. or so they say.

i think i'm getting sick and getting my period. double dose of misery. but i'm in a good mood. lot of things on my mind lately however: my one american boy, english boy, old canadian boy; TD&D telling me they appreciate my site; making banners for that site; what else i should be doing; due dates; how i'm eating; considering bikini waxes; wearing swimsuits in the most superficial state in the country; having three zits on my face; being in desperate need of a dye job; needing desperate need of a haircut but it not being long enough; working my abs more; not working my abs enough; seeing the used - or not seeing them if its sold out; my dog needing a bath; my bed being made only on weekends; needing new curtains; wanting new shoes and to see a shitload of movies that are out on video, at the theater or coming out; and thinking about when spring break is.

just a lot of thoughts... not necessarily worries yet. oh well, such as a woman's life right?

until further notice...

2008-04-04T20:05:00.002-04:00

matt is the winner.

he's just so fuckin cute. with those big, brown eyes and that shy smile. i can't help it anymore. not to mention the tanned body that's under that hoodie... now there's somethin to think about. plus i know some pretty god damn annoying 14-year-olds who ask to hug him and get pictures with him every chance they get and yet, they all still say he's the sweetest guy ever. and, i keep dreaming about him. which is weird but, hey, maybe there's a reason for it. still ain't weirder than askin for a hug from a dude you don't know. fuck. some chick actually said that jason was the favorite of the band and he was the favorite with the ladies hahaha i doubt the guys sit there and rank em but he certainly got this lady's attention.

yup, in summary, keeper...
or at least, keeper of my thoughts when i'm not busy worrying about my life.

[boredom causes these stupid posts, forgive me. maybe if i get bored enough i'll post some pix. not so much for your benefit, but more to satisfy my eyes haha (or subconscious perhaps?)]

i get so

2008-04-03T13:17:00.004-04:00

[...distracted
by some peoples reactions
that i don't see my own faults
for what they are

at times so self destructive
with no intent on molding
but behind this emotion,
there lies a sensible heart

i hope to learn as time goes by
that i should trust what's deep inside
burning bright, oh burning bright
my sensible heart]

i'm in love with good ideas. which i guess is a good start. hopefully, they will lead into good plans and good actions. but if my life could tell you anything, it's that that isn't true. i always have good intentions, but they never seem to turn out the way i want them to. a lot of the time, its of no one's fault... and other's its of no ones fault but my own.

a lot of people mean more to me than they should. those are the reactions that distract me most. but at least i know, they are good people. people who would give you the shirt off their back. people with good hearts and good intentions, just like me.

even in 08, there have been more people, more opinions/judgments than i would have thought that i would care about. some of them i don't know [them as people and/or their judgments], but i want to. even if those judgments are about me. people like harlow and her uncle josh and dallas and dan and darren and david and zacky and matt and jason and danny and jenna and scotty and sam and keith... and so on and so forth. i could go on forever. but because they don't know that they impact me, doesn't mean i forget about the usual suspects. maybe they impact me through other people, like meghan or joel or avenged or the bats, but what ever it is, i have no reason to deny i think about them. hell, i dream about 90% of the people i just listed for christ's sake. sometimes i want to punch some of them in the face. sometimes i want to hug some of them silly.

coffee tastes better strong and bold. maybe i'll taste better too. as a child, i hated coffee. i thought it tasted bitter, but i just needed to add more sugar than dad would allow me to have. as we grow, our tastes change. doesn't mean we have abandoned them completely, just different now. sometimes i like my coffee black, sometimes i like it with lots of hazelnut creamer and sugar until it gets to a soft beige color. some days are black, some days are beige. but they are all worth living and learning and loving. there's more out there for me than i think i realize. i think there's more out there for you than we all realize.

----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - Sensible Heart

does this make me a bad person?

2008-04-01T15:30:00.004-04:00

he would say, 'yes'. but then again, he would say yes even if i didn't laugh... which i did... a few times.

-------

on to a much more serious [but not exactly unrelated] note:
i had an epiphany / breakdown yesterday. things changed. i changed. it's more than just "keeping my options open." and it's more than just "figuring it out." this is my life we are talking about here, and i don't take that lightly. however, it's ok. and i'll be fine. i've learned to put me first. i've learned that i am a good person. i've learned that i'm human. i've learned that i am as pretty as people say i am - and accepting that compliment doesn't mean i'm cocky. i regret lots of things, and the goal here is not to let that happen again. it's the end of an era for me. i'm a big girl now, and big girls have to let go and face reality.

goodbye chris, meg and i will probably see you around. but in the mean time, keep your head up gorgeous.

the only constant.

2008-03-31T02:14:00.004-04:00

So I'll cross my heart
And hope to die
Before I have a chance to lie
To you my dear
Who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray
Before too long
So please forgive me...

i stray because i keep looking. looking for possibilities. what you won't give me. or at least what you don't have the balls to tell me you can give me. the need, want, desire to be cuddled and kissed on the forehead. in my daydreams, in my real dreams. i hate it. i am not your typical girl. i don't get consumed with this shit... but i want it. and that's me being honest. i just want love. i don't want a husband. i don't want babies. i want late night talks with that voice that makes my bottom lip quiver. i want blushing and giggling more than 4x a year. fuck, what is wrong with me. i never wished anyone harm. not you and not me. this is the hardest feeling i think i've ever had to deal with on a daily basis, so i don't deal with it. god i hate this shit. i ignore it and push and push and push it back until i realize how much i fuckin miss it and it brings me to the brink of becoming a mess. but i never let it get that far. because if i breakdown, everything else around me breaks down. and i can't let that happen. i'm a boiling kettle with the lid on... i let a little seep out then the lid goes back on again and everything is fine for awhile... we will see how long.

change of pace

2008-03-30T14:03:00.002-04:00

1% milk instead of whole
sun chips instead of sour cream & onion
tuna on rye instead of bean and cheese burrito

moderation.

we will see how long this lasts. i'm sick of looking like the Pillsbury dough girl when i poke my stomach. i finally got rid of those muffins above your jeans, you know? all i eat is tuna lately, and cereal, thats the given. i mean, i'm a vegetarian how much more healthy crap can i eat? but i want to look good. i think i look alright, but i want to look good, not m.shadows with tits - just a lil somethin somethin extra. so this is the next step i believe: http://www.benderball.com/whatyouget.asp. but i think i'm gonna ebay first haha 10 bucks is cheap already but you never know with my favorite site in the world.

ok. back to work. that's all for now.

2-n-1

2008-03-27T20:01:00.009-04:00

there are some people that never ask for help. there are some people that don't want to burden you with their grief. there are some people that need you most and never tell you so... i am one of those people.

i'm popping tums like acid. little sleep. my nails are bitten off and the sides bleeding. i've had more alcohol than coffee lately. and i feel nauseous when i stand up. really stressful, horrible week. mom's 57th birthday is tomorrow, and she's spending it in the ER. i have a 4 page essay due march 29th by 11.59pm, that i have only started an intro for. it's snowing on march fucking 27th. and i just found out my favorite HB boys will be in south america and asia in june, so they won't be back in OC until about, um, september.

oh and to top off feelings i am trying too hard to suppress:

facebook leaves me this lovely tad bit of information.
thanks assholes.

Were you happy when you woke up?
not at all.

How is life going for you right now?
not good

When was the last time you went out to dinner?
do drinks and apps count? that was about a week ago.

What are you doing right now?
not what i'm supposed to

What color is your shirt?
white

Who was the last person you talked to?
dad about hiring someone to shut up jose conseco

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a M?
my ex... and Matt would be nice, but like thats gonna happen.

Would you get married if you could right now?
nahhh

What's the best feeling you've ever had?
october 21st 05?/06? - i've never been that happy.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
dad.

Are you in a good mood?
not at all.

The last person you argued with?
myself.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
WARM.

Is any part of your body sore?
stomach.

What do you wear more jeans, sweatpants, or slacks?
i'm in my jeans right now... and i'm in bed.

What is the last thing you ate?
Pizza Hut.

Plans for this weekend?
my fingers are crossed that they include alcohol

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
probably not. i'd be friends with JLo. fuck me.

Where did you sleep last night?
my bed.

What's your biggest regret?
today nothing, in life a few.

Whos your last text from?
myspace telling me jenna left me an amazing comment.

Favorite type of music?
loud and aggressive. or slow and honest.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
103.

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
depends on the teams, i love both.

Missing someone right now?
too many.

Write something random.
Darren posted a new D&D blog.

Who is your number one person on your friends list?
Megumi.

Do you like dancing?
yessssss.

Name your favorite pair of shoes?
oh. my. god. do you have a favorite vein?

What's something that bothers you?
the question: what's bothering you?

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
always.

What room are you in?
bedroom.

Do you speak another language other than English?
other than like 5 words in spanish, no.

What made you happy today?
seeing Mum awake.

Are you on the computer?
no i'm doing this telepathically. idiot.

Do you like KFC?
it's not in my contract with John Feldmann.

Whats the most important thing about yourself?
nothing.

Where did your last hug take place?
at the ER.

Did you cry today?
yes, a couple of times.

Are you confused?
the story of my life.

and with you, this is my life.

2008-03-24T03:36:00.002-04:00

ILoseHold ILetGo (1:47:51 AM): good luck, get your work done and get some sleep
vivavenom (1:48:02 AM): i thought about going to bed and getting up early since its due by 10am but... you know me
ILoseHold ILetGo (1:48:11 AM): yeah right
vivavenom (1:48:14 AM): i'm more night owl than early riser
ILoseHold ILetGo (1:48:21 AM): 10 am pssh you're still dreaming of naked men
vivavenom (1:48:27 AM): HAHAHAHHAHA

it's funny cuz it's true.

---

oi, i just got all my shit done... two computer crashes later. Dells are not made for the long haul, let. me. tell. you! oh well, my pillow is going to feel like heaven in about 1 minute. long day of homework and cooking and cleaning and more homework. happy frickn easter, where's my damn chocolate bunny?!

i can teach you, but i have to charge.

2008-03-23T01:27:00.005-04:00

saw this, laughed, and got to thinking about the opposite sex --

number 1:
my thoughts are being ruled by HB men. i'm sorry. but it's true. at this point... canucks... aren't really there. god that is so weird to say. especially since chris' birthday is coming up. but yet and still, it is true. i'm not saying there's no chance but, let's just say it's slimmer than before. hell, i can't even say when our next trip to toronto is. usually that would be killing me... well, we were flirting with the idea of the Bats CD release show up there in April but ya know what i mean lol

number 2:
it makes me happy that i look at my top friends and see jason and dan hahaha i don't know why, but suddenly, i'm leaving them easter comments like we're old friends... maybe eventually :). but more than likely its just because they are close to matt hahaha [oh that was kind of mean.]

number 3:
these make me smile... big. with some blushing as well:

which you have to admit... is somewhat humorous. the first one is straightedge, fair, tall and skinny. and you got the second one filled with man beef and tans... and yet, they are all friends [darren would just be without the use of the beer bong that's around jason's neck]. oh god bless california hahaha

just goes to show you... i really don't care. my type? single and that is about it. well, the tattoo motif seems to be there quite a bit too... not even gonna like. but its almost sexier when its hidden. both of the above have that going on. i think both have two that i know of [matt:arm and leg; darren:chest and leg]. which is a change of pace for me. in past years its been more like "how much skin is visible?" ok now i'm starting to babble, thats when you know i'm tired. if i start talking your ear off, i'm either pissed, drunk or beat. just the latter for right now.

oh, and PS - my lurking skills are second to none:

i love how pissed off he looks haha and he was wearing pretty much the same exact thing when i saw him. well not the frown though ;) brings back memories of 13 days ago
and Dan! whew, i'm intimidated.

unless

2008-03-20T14:18:00.007-04:00

your name is Meghan or Mary, i love this man more than you:

"when everything sucks, there will always be a way to deal with it."

his music is one of the ways i deal with it.
in fact, i don't know where i would be without music. i'm not musically inclined. i've written somethings, my singing is ok, but that's the extent of it. i owe 99% of my friends to music. no matter what i'm feeling inside, music/bands/artists are always how i find my way back. when i had to find my way back from my secret battle, i was empowered by bands like day of contempt, madball, bleeding through, avenged sevenfold, pantera - hell, even the kill decibel during the last few years of my bulimia... you know bands that look like they'd rather kill you than look at you. i think in some ways, with their anger and bodies hard enough to do laundry on, i took that with me. when i worked out, i usually did it to bleeding through. or when i felt like hurting myself, i'd turn up my stereo and blared and screamed along with m.shadows. i also remember getting so upset and putting on day of contempt to make myself feel better and once "shattered dreams and broken hearts" came on, i cried like a baby, it was almost hard to breathe. actually, i got so upset and cried so much i threw up. and i hated it. it was all an accident and i still hated it. that's when i knew, my fight was finally over.

now i still listen to those bands, with the same amount of aggression and admiration, and it's like therapy. i've progressed to less anger [more sarcasm?] with dallas green and morrissey and the dear & departed, but its all the same. that's how i get along. it's all i know how.

going to see those bands live is all i do now it seems. and i absolutely love it. it's better than any drug i've ever tried. having you heart pound to the same beat the rev is pounding on the drums or the same rhythm gates is playing on his guitar... and you just feel like you belong. not to mention, that's usually how i bonded with my best friend. lord knows where i would be without all of those events... but thats a story i've told a million times before and will save for another day.

urgh

2008-03-18T01:14:00.002-04:00

i'm not the jealous type of girl.
but some bitches... need to be slapped.

waist vs. waste? honestly, you are retarded. can you even spell S.T.D.? i don't care if you're a size 2 with a tan. you all look the fucking same anyhow. use your motherfucking brain and maybe you will stand out from the rest of the girls. the girls who look like whores or the girls that are whores... what's the difference anymore?

you will never be val.

----------------
Listening to: Feist - I Feel It All

Zooey Deschanel,

2008-03-14T01:36:00.003-04:00

I love your voice.
And we all knew I love her style, but this too?

I love her covers of "Dream a Little Dream" and "You've Really Got a Hold on Me" - sounds so old-fashioned, like something Marilyn Monroe sang in Some Like It Hot.

I've got a new girl crush hahaha

ScarJo's album is out soon too, I think in May, with the same kind of vintage songs but her singing ain't as good... but honestly, what do I know?

PS -- this is what keeps me smiling when I don't even want to wake up in the morning:

Samantha's Life Changing Adventure

2008-03-11T15:28:00.008-04:00

This sounds like an American Girl book doesn't it?

I had the most amazing time last night. The best night I've ever had in Rochester I think. And I told that to Synyster Gates this morning too. In fact, this whole day has pretty much me thinking about it haha Especially because [a] I can't get someone's smile out of my head, and [b] everything today has to do with people named Matt, Brian or John. Even right now, I'm flipping through channels and on MTV is "True Life: I'm an Identical Twin".

But back to the matter at hand, you see that picture? That is me content. Completely. And I've never been so content with not meeting a band before in my life haha

The show was amazing. Even after waiting outside for an hour in the frigid cold with ice was worth it. We got in the door and my fingers were blue. But once we got in, it was like a warm rush and it didn't take long to get the blood flowing again. Looking around, I made sure to find the merch table - since A7X has a tendency of having so bad ass choices, even for girls. But this time... I had 20. Shirts were 25 haha But I can tell you what did impress me... the merch guy, Matt! Yow. There was like three dudes back there and were all really busy when Meg and I stopped for a peek. But when we locked eyes, holy Christ, it was one of those heat connection things. But we had to find a spot for Bullet for My Valentine who was going on in like, 10 minutes. After seeing where the main stage area was, we decided to try the balcony. Loved it so much, we stood up there the whole show... well, except for my few trips downstairs to eye fuck my new fling.

Bullet was better than I expected. But Atreyu was amazing. The best time I've ever seen them. Even Alex said it was the best Upstate show they've ever had. Being present for almost all of them, I have to agree. Brandon always makes me want to shred anyhow, but Alex was great too. Plus... gives my eyes the second treat of the night when he took off his shirt. God bless strategically placed tattoos.

And the main event of my night, Avenged. After every song, I said: "Oh my God." I had a smile on my face the whole time. It was the best performance I have ever seen [which I also told Syn lol] I was just in awe the whole time. The pyrotechnics and lights were so amazing from the balcony too. Explosions and fireworks and all kinds of cool shit. Usually we are one of those lil dots down there, so it was a real treat to see everything happen at once. I've never really had an appreciation for the dudes on the side stage before until I saw how much Jason and Dan run around haha They do a good job. And that makes everything else just that much better. It's not just how incredible the guys were, but their crew like lights and techs and so on. It was just... an honor to see them. I was so impressed and so happy. I love them so much more now. I mean, they were always like top 10 favorite bands... but now I'm thinkin more like top 5 haha It better not be another 4 years before I see them again. I don't think I can take it.

dear avenged sevenfold fan,

2008-03-08T00:58:00.000-05:00

I’ve been holding this in for awhile...
and I guess because I’ve been getting so excited about seeing them on Monday or because I’ve had a few drinks - but it’s coming out.

And I should say, this is random and it’s not all of you. Most of you are fucking amazing and I can get along with really well. But some of you... are just fucking dumb. And the word ’fan’ probably doesn’t even apply to you...

I realize that the band is not ugly. And that a majority of you are 14 and have your hormones raging. Sometimes its hard to like any artist [or person for that matter] without thinking about them sexually. But Jesus fuckin Christ, if I see one more comment about you wanting Zacky’s fucking babies I am going to throw up like a bulimic in a Vegas buffet.

Anddd speaking of Zacky, I’ll throw Brian in here too, just because they don’t reply to your message doesn’t mean you can get away with calling them a faggot or what have you. Honestly, can you imagine the amount of messages they get on a daily basis? Grow up. It doesn’t mean they hate you. And they sure as hell wouldn’t call you a cunt because you didn’t reply to their fucking MySpace message.

You bitching about how the "preps" all of a sudden started liking the band after Bat Country... really doesn’t make since to us adults. Once you get out of high school, terms like "jock", "prep", etc. are quite juvenile. And you should like that you have something in common with other people. If you and the "preps" help sell out a show, chances are they’re coming back soon.

Oh, and lastly, if I hear you say you "hate" Val, or Michelle, or so on, I’m punching you in the fucking face.

Thank you. Take care of one another.

-Sam.

-------

[EDIT: March 11th, 2008 @ 2.17am]
Bottom line, you haven’t seen a show if you’ve never seen Avenged Sevenfold live. The last time I saw them, was before City of Evil was released, on Warped Tour. And in like four fucking years, they have came so far. Syn on that guitar is like an audio orgasm. In his own right, he is amazing. And don’t get me started on how cool of motherfuckers the rest of the guys are...

I guess what I’m trying to say is: don’t take them for granted. Don’t let their sex appeal over take their talent. Above anything else, just respect them. It might be flattering for Matt to hear how hot he is, but that’s nothing compared to his singing/songwriting/producing. That’s what you’re remembered for.

That’s what I’ll remember when I’m 40 and I have to prove to my kids that I was cool at some point in my life hahaha

i wanna...

2008-03-08T00:18:00.003-05:00

I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)
I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)
I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)
I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)

I’m what you want, I’m what you need
He got you trapped, I’ll set you free
Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally
I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me
It’s going down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries
And every time you think about it you gon’ want some more of me
About to hit the club, make a movie yeah rated R
Pulled up like a trap star,
That's if you have yo regular car
You wanna make love to a thug in the club with his Sice on
87 jeans and a fresh pair of Nikes on
On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor
You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I’m trying go

i'm so addicted to this song.

just a lil update in the world of sam:

family- good. friends- good. mols- good. grades- good. hair- good. style- good. bank account- good. men... very good! hahaha and i get about 10 of them on monday. so excited. weekend full of cupcakes and my best friend. then starting the week off with some sexy ass men from Huntington Beach. hopefully getting those cupcakes later on.

life... good.

----------------
Listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Second Heartbeat

one big fucking

2008-02-26T18:29:00.002-05:00

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You’ll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there are so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It’s just skins and bones
There’s nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can’t make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there are so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I’ll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I’ll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I’ll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I’ll be there for you

If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there are so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
I wish I could save you

...edit.

i'm not going to delete the post below.
and i'm not going to add to it.

i'm not sorry i wrote it. i regret nothing. and if it wasn't for dallas green and tea, i'd be crying hysterically.

quote of the day:

2008-02-26T15:49:00.004-05:00

' Aww, Pariasite has to settle for the fat-TER brother. Double ew. '

hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
[i'm sorry josh, but those comments are funn-eh.]

and now on to more news:
hmmm, i think paris banged him too... no wonder he needs a whole stash!

and to the highlight of my day:

woooooooooooooooooo channing. can't wait to see Stop Loss with my girl... maybe she can bring my new BFF too hahaha [more coming after the pix.]

before i talk about meghan... can we talk about those arms? they're so shiny and gorgeous and bada bing. ya know?

ok, so meghan leigh donohue. my BFF. god i hate those internet terms haha [or should i 'LOL']. anyhow, she is positively glowing. not even kidding you. and because of that. i'm positively glowing. she has a crush on this guy she works with. i've heard about him a few times before this but nothing besides how funny he is. all of a sudden, it's how cute he is and how comfortable sher is around him. so after a few weeks, i got to see this boy. his name is keith. he's 19, going to college for business, and his age has nothing to do with it. which is amazing. he's mature and responsible, gets all of his work done ahead of time, respectful, and helpful. that's all i need to know. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch or anything, but i really hopes this one works out. and then... i'll have another BFF hahaha her fave co-workers and i are thinking about taking a trip to canada [so keither can drink hahaha] which i am obviously stoaked about.

as for me, it's been an amazing year so far. my grades might be the best they've ever been. my family is healthy. theres a free simple plan show this thursday at the mall -- my two things favorite things: shopping and canucks. um, the dear and departed is pretty much the loves of my life now. and josh madden likes my eyebows. and avenged sevenfold in 12 days. life is good.

dear josh madden,

2008-02-21T02:28:00.003-05:00

i think you are the freshest man ever...honestly! and, i pretty much adore you.

with love,
-sam.

[oh, and i guess for you viewing this, it should be noted that i actually dropped josh that note about 2 minutes ago.]

now view this and see if you can figure out even a half of why i adore him so:

when meg and i hit up the DCMA store in june i hope he's around so i can shower him with hugs and cupcakes. or at least i can give tal (or someone) something to give him haha

[update 2.22.08] Josh loves me and my eyebrows... so flattered right now!

simply

2008-02-17T02:08:00.000-05:00

an amazing week.

updates later.

we all knew this was coming...

2008-02-13T01:58:00.003-05:00

i hope i'll see you around... eventually.
this is just fuckin silly.
maybe thats all it was... silly.
i will see you again, and 10 bucks says my heart stops again and my breaths shorten and my cheeks get red any my eyes will meet yours and nothing will become of it...
but i'll feel alive and restored to move on.

i think this is the only thing keeping me afloat:

You need not, to climb mountaintops
You need not, to cross the sea
You need not, to find a cure
for everything that makes you weak.

You need not to reach for the stars,
when life becomes so dark
and when the wind
does blow against the grain
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood

when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

If you feel, you paid the price
and your wounds should cease to heal
and everything you love in life,
spins like a winding wheel
if you should wake, to find you're abandoned.
and the road you travel, leads to a dead end

when death creeps in, to play it's part.
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

no... i am not where i belong. but theres no telling when this could change.

----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - The Girl

you're weighed down, you're full of something... you're underneath it all.

2008-02-09T16:54:00.000-05:00

[that is dallas green up there, for you that don't know. he has this amazing album coming out that touches me... and this person is one i adore dearly. if you see quotes here... they are his words -- highlighting my thoughts.]

i miss my old friends. i miss sue, rachael, sarah, rachel, danielle, anthony. hell even my ex on occassion. toronto has hit me hard tonight. thinking about the silverstein show with rob also being there... the bats show earlier in the week with gallows that people are posting pictures of. making me miss getting/giving hugs from rob, scotty and liam :/ bumming me out. i haven't seen them since june -- honestly, thats just wrong. thinking a lot about chris too. i haven't seen his face in so long. i hope he's ok. i hope he's happy. i also hope i get to see his smile soon, i miss it.

' no i am not where i belong.'

truth is, i really should be doing other things, papers, quizzes, extra credit papers and quizzes. i know this... yet i don't care. i feel like losing myself in his words because he says such things i can't. or perhaps its all that i won't. i don't know where i'm going with this.

'my nerves will be the death of me i know.'

yes, dal, yes. i don't want to seem lazy, i am not. i'm too ambitious, anxious, too much of a thinker. i want so much for myself and never settle. i have high standards for me but i feel like i don't know what i want anymore. i just don't know how to start. it used to be toronto, after all this college crap. now i don't know. maybe it's doubt. i feel like i'm standing still. and i'm not scared of many things. i embrace change. but i'm scared to death of the fall. now i want to go where they say. just so i'm not alone. 2.5 hours away from my family, not bad. but all i need is a city.

'all the worries occupies the back of my mind... could it be this misery will suffice?'

maybe i'll move to niagara falls instead-still in new york, only hour away from my family. maybe new york city since i love it there but 6.5 hours away. maybe virgina with meghan. maybe los angeles and work for the lakers or the dodgers... i don't know if those are options or dreams. at this point, the latter i think.

'when the wind does blow against the grain, you must follow your heart.'

so many things i want to say. mouth open, nothing coming out. i really miss being in a relationship. if not for anything else, its for talking at 3am when everyone else is sleeping and my insomnia keeps me up. for him relating to me, with ease. that's all i really need: conversation. hearing his voice, the voice that makes me smile. that's all i long for.

'you don't ask for no diamond ring. no delicate string of pearls. that's why i wrote this song to sing, my beautiful girl.'

i think love is overrated. but i think i need it to keep me afloat. i don't ask for much. just a talk over tea will do. fuck, i'll take via webcam. yet, i can name about three men/relationships that if i just spoken up, they could've been "it"... well, potentially. i'm no good at dating. i don't think i'm that good at being subtle either, but maybe to them i am. i try to be more forthright and nothing seems to come of it later on. i want to vomit if i hear another: "but he wasn't the right person." so where might he be? on the other side of the country? or in a different country? is he a canuck? he in london? or new zealand? perhaps the north fucking pole? i love too easily. am hurt too often - that hasn't changed in 21 years.

'there's no need to rush, we're all just waiting...'

my eyes are filling up now. i better stop. i always knew i was my own worst enemy. i don't want to talk about the past, present, or future anymore for right now. what's coming will be bright for me. it has to be; because i can't survive entirely in the dark anymore.

-------------------------------------------------

and thats all i am now. all i've came down to is a simple mix of lyrics and thoughts. too many of both. usually it's morrissey. but for the moment, i am sharing at least a brain cell with mr.green.

----------------
Listening to: City And Colour - Waiting

' oh listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain

2008-02-06T03:04:00.000-05:00

- telling me just what a fool i've been. '

my dad used to sing that song when i was growing up. and for some reason whenever i hear the rain fall, i can hear him singing that line. i imagine as time goes on that memory will be getting more precious.

but this is not the time for sob stories. which was definitely not to be expected because i spent most of my morning thinking about how i'm missing my bats in toronto. but i had a fabulous day. i mean technically, the day has ended already but for the moment i'm still stuck in yesterday.

i got a hundred on my latest english quiz.
i got a free GRANDE starbucks bold coffee.
my hair was absolutely perfect in a gisele bundchen, sex pot way, well minus everything that is good about her life.
but most of all, i was cleaning and found my mom's old pictures.

some were from niagara falls, virgina beach, lake george - just little trips her and my dad took by themselves. they turned into each other's best friends. and they were just...perfect. she was perfect. not that she isn't now, but her battle with illness has took a toll on her. but back then she could've been a model. honestly! looking back at them, i thought i was looking at an urban outfitters catalogue. she was exquisite. she is timeless. she is also one to change her hair color [some pictures shes blonde, some shes red, and some shes brunette], wear heels [platforms], and drink coffee [theres one of her chugging a huge cup of it]... all of these are much like her daughter. she had such a magnetism about her. i must've looked at these pictures about 1000 times throughout the day. i hope i get that. i hope someday my children can look at pictures of me and think: "wow, my mother was gorgeous." but i doubt it.

i wish i could see her dance. i wish i could cook with her. i wish i could go shopping with her. i wish i could take her to toronto. i wish she could guide me. i wish lots of things for her and me.

just thinking of her being my age and being pushed by my father on a swing set - like she was in one of the photos - just bring tears to my eyes. i turn into such a baby when it comes to her and my grandfather. those are the only two, just the thought. just saying their names, and i'm choking back tears. exactly like i am now. i can't wait to upload these pictures somehow. i don't have a scanner, so i'm gonna ghetto it and just take a digital picture of the picture. but it will be done, and soon.

and now i'm afraid i have to go to sleep, i have started to cry. kind of ironic when you think about it... i said this wasn't a time for a sob story. and it wasn't when i was first viewing the images, but now i suppose it is.

sam contradicting herself; who knew?!

----------------
Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone

dear subconscious,

2008-01-30T00:47:00.000-05:00

you should be doing my dirty work but i dont know how thats possible. since you've brought this man and his band into my dreams i can't stop thinking about him when i'm awake. i'm pretty sure thats just adding fuel to the fire, but hey, you made it that way missy!

i always knew i was my own worst enemy. but even as i type this, there's a smile on my face. and i'm 99.9% sure when i get done typing this that i'm going to go watch his videos... yup pretty sure.

this is what i've succumb to:

only, i wouldn't use the word "love"... in fact i wouldn't use that last sentence at all, but hey this is all hypotethical anyhow.

psssh; like my subconscious can read!!

oh well in conclusion, i'm a giggly mess now. thank you. these always turn out bad.

with love and hate,
-sam.

ps - at least you picked a really good guy though. i mean... our favorite candy bar is twix, neither of us eat meat, we love anchorman and canucks, and in all his blogs, i have only found one spelling/grammar mistake--its just too bad you had to pick someone on the opposite side of the fucking country. but thats ok, he's touring more and more now anyways. maybe later in the relationship i can talk him into moving to this coast ahahahhahah

oh relationship, what's that again?!
boyfriend?! i even forgot what that means.

but things are good.
:D

my heart's changing...

2008-01-27T01:57:00.000-05:00

i miss missing chris.

i still think about him, but its more of a "i haven't seen him in awhile. i hope he's ok." i think things make more sense when i don't think about him honestly. at this point, i think we're in our own lives. maybe one day it happen like i always thought it would and our lives can match up for once, but for right now i don't see it happening.

at the beginning of the year, meghan and i were making jokes about our "replacements". to me, that was because chris had replaced benj -- completely. and i'm so happy that i had such a good guy to replace the heartache i had from the "ex". but now i think... [i don't want to say definitely but,] i think chris has a replacement now. but i'm 99.9% sure its only temporary.

whatever it is or why it's happening at all, i'm happy. i probably have my head in the clouds for the moment but there's a corny smile on my face every time i see a new picture or video with dp. i'm okay. i'll be okay without chris. and it's pretty clear, i'll be okay with him [if that time comes].

all good things:
-i wish him.
-come to an end.

it's nothing to cry over, in fact its something to smile about. i don't regret anything and i'll never regret falling for him. but i'm getting back up on my own. and you never know when there's going to be a new chapter.

i'm not where i belong yet...but i'm happy to know i'm getting there with a smile on my face.

you're changing your heart.

2008-01-26T20:55:00.000-05:00

One, two, three, four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can't tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

past tense - broken.
and now fully repaired.

the answer to all your questions!

2008-01-24T17:41:00.000-05:00

JUSTTT move!
then that will solve all of your problems.

maybe that's what i'll do...
move to california.
find a boyfriend.
move in with that boyfriend.
forget all about the family and friends i've abandoned in New York.
and he can be my best friend - fuck; my only friend.

and we will label it all as "just what people do."
yup, that's what everybody does right?

life and death

2008-01-22T19:46:00.000-05:00

it's times like these i'm glad we're "normal". this man had it all going for him. i [like most of you] first encountered this beautiful man from "10 Things I Hate About You". and if you know me, you know if i have any downfalls it's accents and bad boys. that australian voice, piercing eyes and sexy smirk had me all in a tizzy as a teenager. all of a sudden every girl i knew wanted a "Patrick Verona" of their own.

and yet... look at the way he died, look how they all die. it's such a tragedy. and worse of all is that they suspect pills are what killed him. anyone can accidentally OD on heroin or coke even... but pills? that's so purposeful looking. nobody with pills beside their bed has never thought: "one more won't kill me." because it doesn't. popping them like tic-tacs does. i have to wonder what he thought was so bad about his life that he had to end it... if he even did. maybe he was framed. it is possible--don't believe what your naive minds want you too. and when you think about how many people in this world are willing to kill a person just because he played a gay cowboy? now i'm not saying this is the case. and i hope its not. at least as we know it so far, he died in his bed-- hell, thats how i wish i would go. i don't want to here later on that it was all a cover up. but do you really think marilyn died from an OD? i find it hard to believe. especially when she had no prior drug history... just like heath. but again, it's hollywood and we all know any kind of death you can possibly conjure up is available there.

in hollywood or in the real world; this is a horrible situation. we will all miss that unassuming charm, handsome features and sharp-as-a-tack wit on screen. and i for one am so sad about it. i've been in shock since i heard. even been crying off and on. he was such a promising young man with a gorgeous daughter and bright career ahead of him... now we will never know. let's just hope he is in a better place.
don't let the outcome tarnish the good...

rest in peace, heath ledger.
i'll always remember the good.

because i'm waiting for the second avenged video to be uploaded...

2008-01-19T23:35:00.000-05:00

My ex is still: the same.

I'm listening to: avenged's afterlife video.

Maybe I should: not upload it again...

I love: so many things right now.

My best friends: is only one.

I don't understand: why i'm so hard on myself sometimes.

I lost respect for: so many things right now.

The meaning of my screename is: morrissey, morrissey, morrissey.

Love is: overratted.

Sexy Tara on GoofyAuctions.com is: what the fuck is it? jenna tells me it's not even worth googling.

Somewhere someone is: thinking about me.

I will always: be in love.

Forever seems like: a lifetime away.

I never ever want to lose: my best friend.

My mobile phone is: dying.

When I wake up in the morning: I stretch and pet my dog.

I get annoyed at: so many things.

Parties are: funner when there's less people.

My pet is: happy and thats the only thing that matters.

Kisses are: in my future.

Today: was fine.

I really want: what I can never seem to grab.

I live: where i've always lived.

I work: at trying to keep myself stable.

I think: it will all be okay eventually.

I smell: With Love.

I listen: to everything.

I see: through people.

I sing: into my hairbrush.

I can: read body language pretty well.

I daydream: every single moment I have to myself.

I fall: for men all the time.

I want: to make others happy.

I cry: more easily now.

I love: again and again.

I sometimes: wish things were different.

I fear: failing.

I hope: to keep moving in the right direction... if I have found it / ever find it.

I eat: very little.

I drink: diet coke now.

I miss: so many things.

I forgive: the one that can't forgive me.

I dream: about men I don't even know.

I kiss: my dog too much.

I hug: you to death.

I have: to believe that California will save me from myself.

I remember: more than I'd like to admit.

I don't: want to put anyone on a pedestal anymore.

I believe: when you know... you just know.

I know: that this will be better than last year.

I hate: not knowing all the things I want to know for sure.

because i fucking rule,

2008-01-19T03:13:00.000-05:00

and couldn't find it anywhere...
it took about seven years to upload...
but in it's entire, orgasmic glory - the new avenged:

rawr. 50 days until meg and i see those piercing eyes, bald heads, ripped chests, sexy smirks and...tranchillas? well lets hope not the latter!

[ps - if you cant see this, it means youtube caught me and deleted it. and you will have to wait to see it :/ sorry, i tried...]

dear god,

2008-01-17T23:43:00.000-05:00

the only thing i ask of you is to hold him when i'm not around when i'm much too far away...

oh how i love my lads... i know i'm partial but i thought this was the funniest thing ever. and can i just say how equally cute it is to. yes i know, all of a sudden i committed a cardinal sin by saying they are attractive and that is really my whole basis for liking them as people and as a band, right?

hey, is it avenged sevenfold's fault that they are fucking gorgeous on top of being fucking talented? no.
so it's not the dear and departed's fault for being fucking adorable.

'of course they don't have knees, i mean they might do'...
'penguins fucking rule.'
'i don't know if they rule.'
'penguins are good.'
'they're just like any other bird.'
'naw, they're good! they're-- good, lil buds.'
...'cuz they can waddle or they can just go: you know what? i'm just gonna slide.'
'yeah, belly slide - wahhhhhm.'
'yeah i watched March of the Penguins the other night actually.'
'i wanna see it so bad!'
...'lets just say penguins rule and they don't have knees.'
'penguins are alright.'

ladies, honestly... you can't tell me your heart didn't swoon a little when dan had that big grin on his face, talking about wanting to be a pirate. or blushing when learning that david doesn't wear underwear. or darren's clever argument into why penguins rule. and of course there's joel and his funny side comments like: 'i'd be a shark...but i'm nothing like a shark...i wish i could move that fast...i dunno, whats a relaxed animal?'

little things like that video make bad days seem a little brighter don't they?
ok well, at least mine. it doesn't take much for me to smile... especially when it comes in the form of British, Welsh and/or Australian men.

----------------
listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Unholy Confessions

55 days.

2008-01-14T16:16:00.001-05:00

THAT'S ALL.
:)

sleep is death's cousin...

2008-01-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

so i might regret this since i dunno who reads this thinger but this is really just for meghan haha but never the less, i'll continue...

it's about my dream i had last night. some really scary stuff - which is ironic cuz i thought due to joel's babygirl being born it would be about him/them... but nope.

i don't remember the specifics because it occurred about, um, 20 hours ago but this is what i do remember:

jay [villians' owner] was kinda like my landlord and i rented a room out of his mom's house. he was the one that i always gave my rent to. [now i've never met jay, we talked online a few times but thats about it. so how he had a real voice and a real body in my subconscious is somethin else - but i digress] and he had invited me over to dinner, and he made it sound like it would be a few of his friends there so i say "sure". i get there......and it's set up like a romantic dinner, with candles and chocolate covered strawberries and all of it. and in my dream, his house was kinda like rob dyrdek's house where the top of the stairs led to the dining room / kitchen, so as soon as i walked up there i thought to myself "oh my god"... cuz i knew it was going to be awkward as hell. and this is where i don't remember the fine details but i recall me as politely as humanly possible trying to say "jay, listen, i know you went through a lot of trouble here but i don't think i can stay." and at first, he was fine and tried to talk me out of it. but i kept trying to leave and he kept grabbing my arm and stopping me, this happened about three times. that last time, he flipped the fuck out. he screamed at me about how long he's wanted me and that the only reason he even let me rent the place was because he thought i would fall in love with him. he scared me so i started walking the other way and he followed me, then i went the other direction and he continued to follow me... the whole time, muttering on about how much he loves me. and when i wouldn't stop walking away from him, he threw a plate of pasta at me and i was wearing a white halter top dress. at this point, i was not only scared but i was pissed. so i told him to fuck off and i went down the first few stairs. he more forcefully grabbed my arm again and this time i shook him off, but in doing so, i fell down a few stairs, head first. at this point, my dress had ridden up and my underwear was exposed. instead of apologizing or trying to help me up, jay just hovered over me and i could feel his eyes roaming up and down my body and i felt violated on top of all my other emotions. i really, truly thought and felt like he was going to attack/rape me. and as soon as he began to take a step toward me, darren came in the door. [and again, i've never met darren or anyone else in the dear & departed, fuck i've never even been in the same room as darren before, so for him to have his accent that i've heard like twice before in some youtube interview baffles me, no less how amazing his blue eyes were... but that's later on.] and he nudged jay out of the way and helped me up and even tried to fix my hair for me. and he talked to jay about something, but it was like jay was expecting him to pop in for something [again, my memory is shady here] but as darren began to leave he said: "sorry to interrupt you two." and i quickly said: "oh no, please stay." and jay was like: "no sam, he has things to do... and i think we have somethings we need to finish." and i looked him in the eyes and it was like they were black, they were so dark and i said: "no. we are done here." and darren didn't know what to think, and asked about the stain on my dress. for some reason, maybe fear, i covered for jay and said that i was foolish and dropped my plate during dinner. and he laughed while my expression stood the same. he noticed and said, "are you ok?" and i just looked in his eyes and they were so bright, and so clear, and so blue. my mind said 'no' but nothing came out of my mouth, yet i think darren heard something - in fact i swear it. and he continued, "do you want me to take you home?" and i nodded frantically. and jay replies, "oh no darren that's fine, i picked her up, i can take her home." and again, i don't know why i didn't say anything, but darren turned to me and i just looked in his eyes and it was like he knew. so he said, "no really, it's no problem. c'mon sam. you have everything?" and opened the door for me because my hands were shaking and i couldn't even turn the knob. he walked beside me on the way to his car and i grabbed his hand and held on to his arm for dear life. he opened my door for me and was just a real gentleman about it all. and he sat down and i said: "is he looking out the window?" and i pretended like i was fumbling through my purse. and at first he was like "why would he be look--yes...yes he is." and i felt tears develop in my eyes and said, "can we just go please?" and he says "of course, i have a few errands to run, do you mind if we do them first before i drop you off?" and i replied quietly, "that's fine". a few silent minutes later, we pulled into a parking lot and he turned off the engine. he continued to just look at me and said, "do you want to tell me what happened?" and i just start sobbing, no words, just me crying. and he pulls me into a hug and starts telling me 'it's alright' and begun gently rocking me back and forth. and once i calmed down i stood on his lap and told him what happened. and as calmly and i have ever heard someone talk he said, "i'm gonna fucking kill him." and i don't know what happened to me but i grabbed his face and kissed him. maybe it was just what i needed to hear - just to have someone stick up for me and care about me...but he didn't pull away either so i'd say the feeling was mutual. and when we stopped, he kissed my forehead and i guess that's what sealed the deal for me, cuz the whole time we were in the supermarket i was holding his hand. and he gave me his hoodie off his back so i could cover up the stain. and i don't remember this middle part but my dream went on and i ended up staying at his place that night - no sex or anything but it was in his bed hahaha and even continued to flash forward to us in a relationship and it was ... pretty adorable to say the least.

yeah all and all bizarre dream, shitty beginning but good ending :)

and meg will probably tell me to look up all the dream symbols - but i forgot the website hahaha [if you don't know her, she's all about that kind of stuff and the our dreams have hidden meanings or they try to give us answers to questions we have in life.]

i don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours.

2008-01-09T18:42:00.001-05:00

for awhile now i've been wanting to do this david hockney-esque idea with my room. but alas not talented enough to do that with a digital camera so i just did it my way. and since i just cleaned it yesterday why not do it now?

first door on the left.

some people have a walk in closet ... i have a sit in closet.

makeup drawer and latest reading materials

i turned meghan's poster into a diptych and if you flip it over, there's the other two norma jean photos

mini-work station

the fragrance section to my lil sephora store

crap i don't want to get dust on / can't fit anywhere else

peace out.

brings new meaning to "my humble abode" no?

[UPDATE]
i just happened to be looking through some old photos of Toronto and "Dear God" came on my playlist and again, no tears, i haven't had a cry in 08... nine days?! that's gotta be some sort of personal record.

things i've learned in 08

2008-01-08T00:14:00.001-05:00

- putting something in the back of your mind doesn't mean it's going anywhere. looking ahead is not a bad thing and doesn't change a thing either.
- good stress really does improve your self-esteem when the bad stress hits.
- it is possible to hit 65 degrees in Rochester, NY on January 7th.
- hearing your ex got dumped really isn't as humorous as you thought it'd be ... yet a smile still came to my face at the very least.
- if she has a fake tan, lives in california and makes out with her best friend on a regular basis ... tony has fucked her.
- there's two kinds of cake; and both are just as delicious.
- dallas green is a lyrical genius. i don't care what you listen to, just google some of his lyrics. i dare you not to relate to at least one of them.
- david letterman, conan obrien and now john krasinski all have beards since the writer's strike ... not going anywhere else with that, jus sayin.
- television is gonna suck this year because those top 5 rich bitches are too cheap to pay people what they deserve. thanks for no new episodes of The Office douchebags. i'm not even that excited about Prison Break coming back next Monday. wtf is going on?! i realize the title should clue me into what to look for, but come on! how many times can michael get into a new cell? and don't even get me started on them killing off sarah.
- juno is my favorite movie of the year ... but then again, its the only new movie i've seen this year. i have a feeling it's gonna be a great year in the cinema. so many i want to see now and coming up!
- jessica alba is gorgeous. but, my god, she needs a dictionary.
- babies seem to be the theme again this year between nicole richie about ready to pop, jamie lynn and lily allen announcing their knocked-up, and j.lo and halle b both giving birth later in the year.
- dressing like david bowie circa 1977 is apparently the latest trend that i will be completely dismissing.
- my best friend is hotter than all of last year's female american idol contestants combined. i mean i know i'm partial but i'm under no obligation to admit it.
- there's 144 days until june 1st... :)<3

every once and awhile -

2008-01-05T17:50:00.001-05:00

- you will have something or someone in your life that you ever planned. somethings that help you without ever them ever knowing... this may not make any sense to anyone else. and its hard to even connect this to my point. connections you never understood and things i don't know how to say... things i didn't even know i felt. and this made me cry.

anyone who knows me knows how involved i am with my family. i was raised by my father and grandfather until he died when i was seven. they had to raise me because my mother has been in the hospital since i was one. after you read this, you will see how close to home it hits for me and why it brought tears to my eyes:

The Dear & Departed: "Myself And My Grandparents"

Sometimes growing up as a child who feels completely isolated and alone can be the hardest thing in the world. It just feels like you have nowhere or no one to turn to. Most of the time you are not completely alone, it is important to not give up and keep searching and allow others close enough to help – you just might find that person who really understands you.

Truth.Explosion.Magazine: I guess we should start at the beginning and set this story up for everyone... So where does it begin?

David Williams: When I was around five.

TEM: Why were you raised by your Grandmother?

DW: My parents divorced when I was five, my mother and I lived together for about two months and she then decided I would be better off with my grandparents on my dads side.

TEM: Where did you mother go?

DW: My mother moved to another city and took my younger sister Sam with her.

TEM: That must have been hard. What about your dad?

DW: My dad had lost his long time job and was struggling to support my sister, myself and my grandparents. He was working all hours of the day in the house that my parents had both lived in. My grandparents house was within walking distance of my dads house and he would come up often.

TEM: Well at least he was close by. Did you still manage to have a fairly normal childhood then?

DW: Before and after my parents divorce I spent the majority of my time in hospital. I felt very isolated.

TEM: Do you mind talking about spending all that time in the hospital? Why were you there so much?

DW: I don’t mind, my sister and I are both chronic asthmatic. She actually just spent new years eve and the following day in hospital because of it.

TEM: That's horrible. It must have been really hard spending so much time in a hospital while all the other children were out playing. Were you at least able to be with your sister?

DW: Sometimes my sister and I would be in the children’s ward together. To be honest it was really no comfort at all knowing my sister was as sick or sicker than me. I never understood people my age and hated them for the most part.

TEM: Did you hate them because you felt so much different then them?

DW: I just hated how average and predictable most people are. It was just way more intensified as a child. I hung solely around adults my whole childhood, the majority of them snobbish or doctors.

TEM: I see. Besides feeling really isolated what else was the effect of spending so much of your formative years in a hospital?

DW: I didn’t attend school often and fell behind so much that I was too afraid of the embarrassment of not knowing some of the things that the other children did. I felt really disconnected from my classmates and developed a strong dislike for the average person.

TEM: I can see how that would happen. How did you manage to stay caught up wit your schooling?

DW: The only thing I ever really enjoyed was reading and my Grandmother is responsible for that . She taught me how to read and more importantly gave me a passion for reading. The first book I ever read was the huge family bible that she would sit at with me.

TEM: Your grandmother sounds like such an amazing woman and such an important person in your life. Is she still there for you?

DW: She died in 2000 when I was about fifteen. She really shaped me into the person I am and had me give up on a lot of the animosity I had for other people. She introduced me to the church and music which have remained central aspects in my life.

TEM: She sounds like a very positive force. How was home life after she passed?

DW: I really didn’t handle the grieving process well. I was a socially inept teenager who was prepared for life by his socially inept snobbish and old world grandparents.

TEM: How did you feel?

DW: I felt robbed of the only person who knew me without wanting to change me. I felt upset and a bit betrayed by her for leaving me. I also had a really hard time with a lot of the beliefs that I had. I started emptying the wine cellar and really losing my mind. I spent all my time alone in the house.

TEM: Can you describe your day-to-day life in that house all alone?

DW: I would wake up with no one there, listen to my records on repeat and lock myself away in my room. Salt lines marked at every entrance to the room. I also used to practice various church services and prayers.

TEM: Did you keep living in your grandparents house?

DW: The house is very old and haunted. A lot of really bad things have happened there and I really think it has just absorbed that. I suppose I had a nervous brake down when I continued living there. I could see things as real as day chasing me around and tormenting me.

TEM: You mentioned you were constantly drunk and completely afraid – how did you overcome this? Have you?

DW: I just got away from that environment. I didn’t drink because I liked it it was to block out the things going on around me and in my head. Now I’m not afraid of anything.

TEM: Where was your father during this time?

DW: My dad was still living down the street, when he could see what was going on with me I moved back in with him.

TEM: What is the “truth” about David Williams?

DW: I’m not really nuts and I think I am fair. I have always given people what I think they deserve and not cared about the consequences. I think I have been the same all my life...scary.

and i'll do anything to just feel better. any little thing that just feels better.

2008-01-03T17:27:00.000-05:00

my resolution this year is to not worry so much about my past or where i'm going. to live and let live. let it be. let go and let god. hell, there's so many i could go on for days. and it hasn't been that hard. but this is only day three. and i'm haunted with some amazing new songs lately... and most of them have to do with my past. and one of my favorite parts of the past is without a doubt - Christopher. maybe i have grown, because normally i'd be crying for these songs but i find myself smiling and singing along. first one is by my favorite artist: dallas green. yup my favorite artist i said it. no one compares right now - but don't get it twisted with my favorite bands. this is a live video of his latest song: waiting from the new album that drops in february. and the second is lenny kravitz's new song: i'll be waiting. i love lenny because he can do it all. whether he's on a track with pharrell and diddy or if he's just on his guitar - i love him either way; rock or rap.

i wish i had lyrics to these two but i just have lenny's. nonetheless, both make me face the issue i have in my heart and that's him. sometimes i feel like i have to let him go like i did benj. but you know what? i don't want to now. and i never wanted to before. i will wait the rest of my life for him. i will go on and love others i'm sure. but he's it for me. i'm 99% sure of it. maybe we will never get our shit together. maybe we will always be leaving. but no matter what, i'm lucky to have been in his presence. i'm lucky that he even glances at me. and he's lucky that i care... and as it's looking right now, that i will always care.

he gets my thoughts and regards, but i'm not focused on him. and that was another part of my resolution. yes, he makes me happy. but there are plenty of other things that make me happy around here. like concerts with my sister and a full-week vacation planned for the first time since i was 10. and ... and this is gonna make me sound whore-y ... but there's other guys that make me happy too. even in the corny innocent ways, there's still a smile on my face when i hit the pillow. so guess what? it does make me feel better. he's not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere yet. live in just today - oh my god there's another one. this life is not so bad when you just take it one day at a time - ok i have to cut this shit out now.

2008 is now in full effect.

2008-01-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

so day 1 - i was sick. not too bad. but i was not happy about it... but day 2 has included a new dallas green song, edy's mint chocolate chip ice cream and the most favorite part of my day: i brought home avenged sevenfold. thank god. all of which i am slighty in love with. still have a cold, but it's much easier to deal with when you're so excited about future.

and this is the year i see alexisonfire / city & colour live. i saw them do two songs at warped and then passed out so that doesnt count. i've seen dal, george, and wade at a bats show, but again, doesn't count. i love them dearly. more than previously even. so i'm gonna try my best to make it happen.

08 has to be better. it just has to. because i don't think i can make it if it isn't.

and a word to the wise when the fire dies, you think it's over but it's just begun.

2007-12-25T23:34:00.000-05:00

merry christmas to you too sam! i was sad when i didnt see you at our buffalo show :(
hopefully next time! xoxo
take care babe

- pretty much made my night. i missed my bats last sunday so i'm glad that at least they were thinking about me as i was thinking about them ... ok, at least, scotty was thinking about me hahaha 1 out of 4 ain't bad right?

merry chris-mas?

2007-12-25T01:27:00.000-05:00

that was a portion of my first text of the day from my lovely best friend.

there's been something on my mind. and it just so happens, it has to do with ... well, them.

on one hand, meghan is without a doubt in my mind, the key motivator in my life. maybe that's because i'm in my twenties and everyone says that your friends mean more to you than anyone. could be true. but i've said it before and i'll say it again: she's more than my best friend. she's my sister. she IS my family. and no other person in my family has an impact on me like she does. i've never had the closeness with any other person that i have with her. and i know that when i talk to her about my future, her comments come from the heart and she only has my best intentions in mind.

then, there's the other hand. the striking, blue-eyed, unassuming, inked up hand. the hand that guides my heart. as much as i hate to admit this... i'm kind of straying from that hand. i'm keeping my options open, yes, but that doesn't mean that for one second, that i have let anything slip through my fingers. he is the most addicting thing i have ever encountered. and my life really has changed because of him. everything from music to my friends have evolved around that first time we locked eyes when i was 18. since then, not to many things have made sense - but they all feel aaamazing.

i think i've learned anything throughout this year it's that you have to do what feels good to you because you never know when it will happen again. and for the moment ... he is not what feels good to me. i mean, he is. fuck, when isn't he? his smile is about the only thing that can constantly make me smile the instant i see it. but, i'm keeping my options open. and things are happening that are really attracting me to the opposite sex lately. everything from blushing at j-kras on 'the office', re-reading scap's facebook messages, to giggling at how cute darren's accent is.

maybe it's just because at the moment, i'm more focused on california than toronto. which is where two of the above can be found most of the time. but even still, he lingers in the back. and the common thread there really; yup, even with krasinski. every once and awhile, i cry about him because i feel like i'm losing him up there. but you can't lose something you never had.

if it was suppose to happen, it would have. but yet, maybe the answer is: it will in due time. all good things come in time. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions but TD&D can't stay away forever. shit look at my record with the Cancer Bats, we tried how many times to see those guys? and BOOM we see um like three times in one season. so maybe that will be the day for me and chris. or maybe, just maybe, [and this brings a smile to my face as i'm typing] there will be someone else ... i could say his name ... oh wait, i already did. i don't know how it happened, but oh my god, it hit me like a ton of bricks. the accent, and the eyes, and the freckles, and the smile, holy moses - adorable. i'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket.

there ya go, it is what it is. and yup, guess who is still involved in the middle... but i have to accept the fact that maybe chris is not the final score. maybe he's only the halftime show. there's others who have taken my attention for the moment. i have a feeling that i will always have feelings for him. and perhaps, when i move to where he lives in a few years, this will change. and of course i still have to hit up toronto to see my city<3 and my friends and shopping and amazing shows. but right now, i'm kinda content watching john, watching these blake lewis videos meghan sends me via AIM with chris richardson in them [oh yeah folks, theres chris round three] and checking to see if spook lurked my myspace again hahaha

it's really not so bad ... waiting ... still waiting. hey, it's better than nothing.

buh-bye.

2007-12-19T00:12:00.000-05:00

peace out 07 - you kinda sucked.

*stolen from Scoeby*
[these are just my opinions. don't like it? i don't care.] :)

Top 5 Bands of 2007:
1. The Dear & Departed [so proud of these guys!]
2. Avenged Sevenfold [amazing album.]
3. Atreyu
4. Black Audio
5. Tiger Army

Top 5 Singers/Rappers of 2007:
1. Jay-Z
2. Kayne
3. Blake Lewis [blame meghan haha]
4. Sara Bareilles
5. Mandy Moore [i really loved her album this year.]

Top 5 Albums of 2007:
1. The Dear & Departed - Something Quite Peculiar
2. Avenged Sevenfold [s/t]
3. Silverstein - Arrivals & Departures
4. Kayne West - Graduation
5. Atreyu - Lead Sails; Paper Anchor

Top 5 Songs of 2007:
1. I Will Love Again - The Dear & Departed
2. 1234 - Feist
3. Back In Your Head - Tegan and Sara
4. A Little Piece of Heaven - Avenged Sevenfold
5. Turn Me On - The Shins

Top 5 Shows of 2007:
1. Taste Of Chaos - Toronto
2. Bleeding Through / Cancer Bats - Toronto
3. Atreyu - Buffalo
4. Silverstein - Rochester
5. Good ... hahahahaha oh, who am I kidding.

Top 5 Movies of 2007:
1. We Own The Night
2. Alpha Dog
3. Primeval
4. Chuck and Larry
5. License to Wed [hahaha shut up]

Top 5 TV Shows of 2007:
1. The Office
2. Prison Break
3. Rob & Big
4. -
5. -

Top 5 Memories of 2007:
1. Toronto/Niagara Falls with Sam & Meg in March
2. Seeing my Hogtown girls again<3 & meeting Alicia in June
3. Our NY Border drug search after the S4C party in April [hahaha horrifying]
4. Painting my room this summer with Megson
5. Seeing Joel again; it was brief but it meant more to me than I'd like to admit.

Top 5 Things that were awesome in 2007:
1. my relationship with pop improving
2. replacements!
3. being legal for the first time in my life.
4. hearing that people admire me - didn't know strangers gave a crap about me haha
5. my cancer bats taking over the world; i'm so happy for them & their success.

Top 5 Things that were bad in 2007:
1. dad almost dying
2. mum's seizures landing her in the ER
3. car getting totaled
4. failing my driver's test - fuck parallel parking
5. american borders

Best purchase in 2007:
- new hard drive

Top 5 New People of 2007:
1. Robbie Dyer
2. Samantha Mooney
3. Scap
4. Kim Van Dam
5. Anthony - :( i miss this one.

Top 5 Things you wish for / look forward to in 2008:
1. CALIFORNIA! with my bestie<3
2. avenged fucking sevenfold - haven't seen them since the summer before city of evil was released
3. seeing the dear and departed; please please please someone let this happen!
4. transferring to RIT
5. a boyfriend ... wow that sounds pathetic, but i'm being honest.

Top 5 Albums you're stoked on for in 2008:
1. city & colour!
2. RANCID
3. the bats
4. h2o
5. chris rich - who knew?!

Overall Rating of 2007 (1-10):
- 5/10 [ horrible year for me. lots of hard times, that outweighed the good :/ only decent part was that there weren't many funerals i had to attend.]

two things:

2007-12-16T00:20:00.000-05:00

[1]
I don't know if you still think of me, but I always wonder if you do ... I guess either way it wouldn't make a difference since you'll never let go of being the stubborn, close minded human that you are. Sometimes, I wonder if you even know what forgiveness means, the value of it, and will ever realize that if no one forgave you, you wouldn't have a single soul on your side, because you are definitely, for fact, not perfect. It's such a shame to see how you act upon certain situations, and I hope one day you realize how wrong you were. I hope one day you will realize you made a mistake just as much as I did, except the one difference between our errors is that I understand what I did was wrong. You, on the other hand, are convinced that the way you treat me is completely acceptable. In your eyes, you are never, ever wrong, and THAT, is wrong.

[2]
I suppose I should be thinking about the year ahead and trying to establish some sort of "game plan" therein... but to be honest, I know who I am. I know what I love and where I'm going. I'll get there, so it's something I needn't think of anymore. What's on my mind right now... is the unpredictable nature and all around random progression of life. I'm thinking of one person in particular. Perhaps of romance or desire... but of intrigue. To have seen this person only once, some years ago and still find myself intrigued with their perceptions regardless of how they differ from my own. The truth is, they will likely never know of this intrigue as our paths may never cross again, yet it still remains. To this day, I read/see/hear their words and am engaged in ways that I really find myself unable to explain. The plainly evident balance between honesty and portrayal, never straying from one's self... regardless of the cryptic nature of written word at times. These people are few and far between and I must say, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to look away.

So on that note, hold onto those people in whatever form you so choose, sometimes if only from a distance. They are honest and true, they are "reality" in itself. It saved me, once again, from falling in love with a bad idea.

and with you, this is my life.

2007-12-08T19:01:00.000-05:00

I'm losing sight
Don't count on me
I chase the sun
It chases me

You know my name
You know my face
You'd know my heart
If you knew my place
I'll walk straight down
As far as I can go

I'll follow you if you follow me
I don't know why you lie so clean
I'll break right through the irony

Enlighten me
Reveal my fate
Just cut these strings
That hold me safe

You know my heart
You know my gaze
You'd know my heart
If you knew your place
I'll walk straight down
As far as I can go

Cure this wait
I hate this wait

PRO-Canuck:

2007-12-05T17:03:00.000-05:00

Is what I am. Toronto is beyond lovely. Even the early-spring snow, wind & rain couldn't hamper my growing enthusiasm for that fine city. I hope to go back as often as possible, to explore and experience as much as I can, though at a warmer, greener time of year. Eventually moving there when I can save enough and once I'm satisfied with my level of education in NY.

It's cliche and predictable but in my experiences it's true -- Canadians are, by and large, much nicer, calmer and more civilized than Americans. Yeah, there are assholes in every country, but as far as I can see, the asshole ratio is much higher here than up there. Every time and everywhere we go, people were relaxed, open, generous. The subway is clean and efficient, the meals we have are as good if not better than any I've had in New York; Chinatown is like Chinatown in NYC (same smells, sights and sounds -- tiny appliance/gift shops squeezed between fish markets and noodle eateries), the student/artist/bohemian neighborhoods are lived-in, worn, tattered, though not as dangerous as the Lower East Side. There's no sense of menace or fear. Smiles are common. People are polite to a fault.

Now, I'm being a bit romantic here. But not by much. And the difference between Them and Us is amplified the second we re-entered the US. We always have a gruff border guard, looking like he's dressed in SWAT attire, mirror shades, loudly barking, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN CANADA?!" Usually makes a disgusted face and nodded us through. Although I will never forget the time me & Meg were pulled over, had her car searched, scared out of our fuckin minds while being completely innocent of anything they were thinking. And the bastards sent us through at about 3am without an apology for searching us for no good reason. Thanks NY. Love you too.
God Bless America, right?!

Anyhow, I spent most of last night just looking at photos of my favorite city. Most of which came at Winter time via Flickr and Google. Here are some of my favorites:

zing?!

2007-11-27T23:09:00.000-05:00

"This is one of those cases where i should just say nothing.
But ... are you from St. Catharines? Welland? Fonthill?
The Niagara region in general?
Chances are you are Caucasian, come from an alright home,
went to an alright school, maybe even have an alright job.
YOU ARE NOT A GANGSTER. OR A RAPPER.
OR A THUG. OR A "G" or whatever else you have
dreamed up while sitting around listening to really
shitty commercial rap and smoking really shitty chemy
dirt weed that i'm sure you think is "da cream".

The "Garden City" has become INFESTED with
kids that think they are from New York City.
Walking around with weapons, into cocaine and
all types of negative shit. Wearing those WACK hats,
XXXL shirts (yes we wore the same thing 15 years ago but
we were hippie raving skateboarders having fun) and acting
like you are something you are not, nor will you ever be.
And what is a "meng"? And a "soldier"? Most of these kids
are barely old enough to keep a steady job. Most don't even
work because selling coke and dirt weed to their friends
keeps them safe in their little fake gangster world."

oh scap; i love how he lays out shit, and does it with complete integrity and originality. finish strong.

you, on the other hand, go to google, print off a picture of a weapon, add your company logo [which looks more like something you made in microsoft paint] to the bottom of it, put it on a white t-shirt and sell them out of your car to your fake friends thinking that you're "dope".

wow

2007-11-21T01:07:00.000-05:00

spent 200 bucks in a week.
...and it's only tuesday.
saving for california?
um, not so much.
i suck.

this is meghan territory

2007-11-20T11:11:00.000-05:00

usually, i don't care too much about my dreams. it's usually my best friend meghan who likes to get her dreams analyzed for symbols and psychology crap like that; me - it can be fun but i'm not that into it. but last night, i had a pretty funny dream ... well parts were funny, parts were sad.

i was john krasinski's girlfriend [shut up, it's not like i choose these things in my subconscious! but i am well aware of my newfound crush on him. anyhow...] and we were getting coffee when he got a call from someone asking him if he would want to host to MTV Movie Awards. he was sooo thrilled and said yes immediately, it was quite cute. yada yada yada, the night of the show comes and me and meghan [who i basically told john i was dumping him if she couldn't come with] get all dressed up. and we looked so frick'n good. she had on this sparkley red dress that hit just below her knees and i talked her into getting a little heel on her to make her look taller hahaha [i don't remember what i was wearing but john said i looked beautiful]. and we get to the "red carpet" and john starts to get nervous and wants me to walk out there with him. i didn't want to leave meg, but she pushed me anyhow and i stood with him for about 20 minutes having everyone snap our pictures - it was loud and people were annoying, in short: i hated it, and i know he did too but i guess it was all part of his job. he had to put a smile on his face and brave them. so we get through it i go to leave john with the press, quickly kiss and tell him good luck then go back to find meghan at our seats in the auditorium. on my way there, i see joel backstage, and at first he was with that other one that i'm not a big fan of, so i just kept walking. but after benji left, i looked up and saw joel and he was just staring at me. i was somewhat freaked out that he was looking at me like that but i just smiled and waved. and nothing. it was like he was a robot or something; i think he blinked about twice the whole time he saw me. and i can hear the audience start applauding and at this point i know either john is out there, or he will be coming out very shortly, so i pick up my pace and i'm practically running and i slip right before i had to turn the corner to get to my seat and there's joel again and he just looks at me. doesn't help me up, doesn't say "are you ok?" just stands there. but meghan found me and helped me up, dusted me off, and told me to hurry up cuz it was almost starting. so we get to our seats in time and john does his lil monologue and he's funny and charming like he always is and people seemed to enjoy him. so i was happy, then when there was a break before the first musical performance i told meghan that joel was there and his almost robotic like self. and she didn't say much, i just thought she didn't really care. then i get a text message from john just saying: "freaking out." so i replied back: "you're doing fine baby, everyone loves you. stay calm." so i bailed out on the performance because i wanted to surprise him backstage and see if i can calm him down. so again, told meg, i'd be right back. and walked back there and i knock on his dressing room door, and he's pacing. i never saw him so nervous before. so i quietly walk in and go: "you ok, big tuna?" and he starts laughing and gives me this huge hug and i'm telling him how great he's doing and assure him that i'm not just telling him that. so i give him another quick kiss and go out before the next presenter and as i'm walking back into the theater, i see joel again. he's in the row opposite of meghan, and he's just staring at her - once again motionless. so i calmly walk back to my seat and i tell her that she has an admirer apparently. and she takes out her cell dials the number and we see joel look down at his pocket, get out his phone, and briefly looks at it then gets a scared look in his face, shows it to benji. and puts it back. benji rolled his eyes, and joel didn't turn his head the rest of the night. and that was it. we had a fabulous night, and john was nervous for nothing, and we went to a few afterpartys and meg didn't seemed phased by any of it. she just started dancing, had a few drinks, talked to some hot guy i have no idea who he was, and yeah, it was fun. but i could tell that there was something going on; at least between me and meg that we didn't talk about. i think we already knew and that was our way to move on i guess. i was like stuck in a soap opera. i had the loving boyfriend, the ever-supportive best friend, the shady ex with his beady lil eyes everytime he saw john, and the old, close friend that now chose to act like he didn't know who i was / we were.
bittersweet to say the least...
maybe i watch too much of "the office"? [it's on TBS tonight for an hour by the way haha]

rough. week.

2007-11-16T20:15:00.000-05:00

so this past week [november 12th - 16th] has been ludicrously hard on me. started off with an "anniversary" that i was somewhat ok with. i fell in love and was called "a bitch from rochester" haha but that's ok, i'm used to it with him ... but chris, he was the best thing that could have happened to me men-wise. he [without knowing it] helped me get through my eating disorder and restored my faith in myself, not to mention all the great people i have met because of him. but it still made me sad because i can't be where i love, and half of that is near him; but i keep telling myself: soon enough. and there is no rush, i am 21 years old - it's not like i have to marry the man. we got plenty of time.

anyhow, then was the anniversary of another man who helped me without knowing it, who is no longer with us: matt watters. the cutest kid i had ever seen. i can still see him so clearly in my head - piercing blue eyes, always sporting a smile, never had a bad word to say about anybody, charming as anyone you have ever met, and died at the tender age of 18. such a shame. after benj, he was the first guy i had a crush on. and i know that sounds silly but he was the first guy i thought: "well maybe..." about. and now i will never know...which took its toll as well on the 14th.

then i found out via myspace message that in the argument that broke up my ex with his current girlfriend was a screaming match in which he said i was a better fuck ... a little background info here, i have known mike most of my life - our parents are family friends. but dad didn't allow me to date when i was 13, but we did anyhow. and we continued off and on, somewhat not seriously until i was 16/17ish. it was only natural that we did some stuff. but there was never any intercourse ever. and i pride myself on being a virgin like my mother was. now mom held out until her wedding night, i'm unsure if i have the strength to do that but it will definitely be when i'm in a real, serious relationship when it does happen. not to mention, that if my father found out a rumor like that, i would never forgive myself. i realize that dating mike behind his back was wrong but i was 13 gimme a break. plus, mike was gorgeous. even now, not so bad, but especially back in high school when he was more fit haha none of this "upset" me per say but it did piss me off. i am happy to say that he did not receive a nice voicemail from me when i had heard. oh i should also mention that she never knew we dated to begin with - so i was able to be friends with both of them; now i doubt that will happen again.

then the straw that kinda broke my back was yesterday. and this... is so incredibly stupid. i have had this lil thing for a kid in my photo class. and i say kid because he's 19. and normally i don't like younger men but there was something about him... maybe his eyes. he has amazing green eyes; anyhow, he never really had his shit straight. and from the beginning we had good chemistry, and at one point i thought: "i think i might like this guy enough to date him." and, once again, i haven't felt that way about a man from new york since matt. then he misses like three classes since then and his grade really goes into the hole and i thought he withdrew. then last friday, he shows up to lecture. and as soon as he sits down we start talking and there's a huge smile on his face and i'm not gonna lie, it was nice to see him. ok, so this week comes [i have thursday/friday classes so i see him only for about 5 hours a week] and i was pretty sure i wasn't going to see him again. but he showed up. and again a huge smile on his face when he sees me. working in the darkroom, i can see him staring at me out of my peripheries but still i don't say anything. we catch each other going in and out and the most i said was "thank you" when he held the door open for me. well the last time i went out to check on my photos, i see him talking to the professor. the professor tells him he would have to get 100 on everything else we do in class to even get a C in the class and pat said something about his dad not wanting him to withdrawal from the course. so i go back in to do another test strip with the proper aperture this time and when i walk out once again to check my final print, i see him packing up all of his stuff and walking out the door... and then i knew, that was it. and chances are, i will never see him again. so i walk back into my lil quarter of the darkroom to tell my friend kim about it and i just start crying. i think she thought it was because he left but it wasn't well maybe it was part of it. it bothered me that we didn't say anything. and then i compared it to chris... and every time i leave toronto i think i will never see him again. but i can't let that happen between us. yes pat was nice. yes for a moment i thought i could see myself with him. but i never thought of him as chris' competition. to be honest, i don't think anyone ever will. all i know is that i can never, ever, live the rest of my life without chris not knowing who i am. i have to give this a shot. i know if i don't i could lose the most intense feeling of euphoria i have ever experienced. even if it takes 30 years or if we bomb as a couple and have nothing in common or are constantly fighting - it will be better than not having him at all. so that's that. i'm trying to give myself a break from men and that never works.

i've been doing tons of online christmas shopping lately: meg, my mom, dad and myself. i feel i'd probably kill myself if i didn't reward myself every once in awhile because i know no one else will. i also know that me and meg are going to california in june ... i may have mention that a few hundred times haha and dad is even supporting it which is somewhat frightening. so in light of everything, i wanted to make a good purchase for myself this year. it started with shoes [suprise, suprise] then i thought, "these isaac mizrahi ankle boots will be on clearance on dec.26th" ... not to mention a xmas present ;]. then i thought about a new mp3 player, which i really do need. my old one holds only about 100 songs and has two, big cracks in the screen, so i thought iPod. but then i got to thinking about memories. i love my canon rebel, but it's hard to worry about buying film, getting it developed, worrying about prints that i can't make myself. what better way then with a new digital camera. mine still works, but it's pretty ghetto haha i can take pictures, but i can't see them to erase them and i can't zoom in or out so it's pretty much a crap shoot. i am not going to be stuck in california with that piece of shit. so this is what i bought. this is my lil reminder that i have to live life to the fullest. i am in the prime of my life right now. no matter what happens to us after this year, i will always remember all our roadtrips, concerts, men, and now vacations... and this is how i will capture it all:

with everything said and done, it was 92 bucks at best buy. came with free shipping, one year warranty, pouch included. it was 5mp which was better than my old one, had the same zoom as my old one and so much more sleeker and pink! hahah so me. i don't think it was a bad deal for 85 bucks. probably a better investment than those 2 pairs of boots i wanted ... however, you and i both know ... i will have them at some point anyhow. i'm too stubborn not to. if you won't or can't buy it for me, i will do it myself. just how i am. i'm headstrong i know. bottom line, i'm happy as hell now that i got everything off my chest and cannot wait to break my new baby open to start making some goddamn memories!

*note to self: when all other men disappoint you, have cute dreams about you and john krasinski.* [it's strange how lil things like that can make you open your eyes to a smile when the real world seems like it would love to see you cry]

damn, longest post EVERRRRRRRR. sorry.

all that I want

2007-11-12T19:13:00.000-05:00

It's a take-out weekend
It's a fake-out, smile and pretend
If nobody sees you cry
You can say it was raining outside

And all that you want
Is a few days down
All that you need
A little time to drown
It's to be expected
With all the weight you carry around
All that you want is
A few days down

It's a short vacation
To a foreign nation
Oh, nothing familiar here
Just you and your lonesome heart complaining

I'm looking out
Ten stories high
And like a blanket lifted
The quiet night
The city finally waking up
To the morning light

dear california,

2007-11-07T02:42:00.000-05:00

me & meg are coming.
june 2008 baby.
stoaked.

make sure you come see your girls...
we're thinking about staying in glendale - good idea?

----------------
Listening to: 'Lost' ; Avenged Sevenfold.

OBSESSED.

2007-10-30T01:45:00.000-04:00

avenged fucking sevenfold.
get into it.

if you didn't care before, you will now.
and if you cared before, you better get an extra set of knickers ready.

that good.

trouble loves me

2007-10-28T00:30:00.000-04:00

hugelyyyyy into moz right now.

i'm having one of those months where every word of every lyric of every song he sings / writes can be compared to me and/or my life. it's strange when you feel that way... but it's also wonderful.

i'm missing a lot of people right now. that's pretty much the only update i got.

speaking of morrissey and updates, i have recently spoken with dan smith via myspace and he told me he was going to be working in toronto from december 16th to the 27th ... perhaps he will give me and meg our matching tattoos? i'm not sure, but i figure we have about a month to decide. i'm sure once it hits wind that he'll be in town he will get booked pretty quick. so i would like to let him know as soon as possible. maybe that will be the perfect christmas gift? i think it would be nice especially since i know in about a year we will probably be in different states and soon after perhaps different countries so it would be great to look down somewhere and have something that reminds me of the bond my sister and i share no matter where we physically are. i'm a sap i guess.

oh and, i gave myself bangs haha
[and yes, thats quite possibility the lamest update ever. apologies to all.]

fashion is a right.

2007-10-05T23:14:00.000-04:00

so it's october and no body knows my fashion sense better than mr.isaac mizrahi. and these have my name written all over them!

if you are in a jam and don't know what to get me for my birthday in tennnnn days... i would love a pair of those babies.

normally, i like my shoes on the higher end, but you can never go wrong with isaac. whether he creates them for haute couture or casual, the runway or the subway, he does it both with beauty and durability.

my homosexual lover <3 haha

----------------
Listening to: Alexisonfire - This Could Be Anywhere in the World

since i wrote this, does it mean i'm emo?

2007-09-25T11:53:00.000-04:00

there's a new hope in me...
i don't know what it is, or how to describe it;
something just feels right.
everyone's alright.

i'll let down my walls,
but i won't give up on you.
you still have my heart,
but i have so much to do.

and this won't make sense to most of you,
but it does it me.
it's ok to feel what you feel.
i'm learning how to let things be.

♥ [ take this as you will. ]

let it be.

2007-09-21T00:27:00.000-04:00

i'm having one of those days ...

one of those days where you doubt yourself and your goals, ambitions, dreams, and realities. i need to just calm my ass down. i owe no one any answers. and i don't have to make up my mind right now, but i still worry. i think i worry too much. or maybe i think too much?

do i move to toronto by myself or move to a place i've never been to with my best friend?
i don't have to answer now.
i know i worry too much.
but both could kill me.

i guess this is where praying comes in. pray that things will go well, that you get what you want, who you want, that your friends and family are healthy and supportive of you and all that you do... but where do prayers end and ambitions/dreams begin?

hope, thats all we can do. that, and learn for our mistakes... some lessons we learn right off the bat. and others have to slap us in the fucking face --- i'm hoping it's not the latter for me [well, at least not this time.]

i guess this is why he worked in a basement

2007-09-18T16:08:00.000-04:00

so i found this the other day - i copied and pasted it from a from stupid msg. board at the beginning of the year:
scene one, take one.
location: urban outfitters.
date: january, 24th, 2007.

characters:
-chris, cashier.
-jamie, cashier.
-mother (with large kid in a stroller), customer/s.
-girl (at jamie's cash), customer.

mother: (with large kid in stroller) walks up to chris`s cash.
'where is the mens section?'

chris: (hopped up on two liters of soda).
'the second floor and there is an elevator so you can bring up your baby.'

kid in stroller: (shoots chris an awful glare, he is clearly not a baby)

chris: (three seconds later, as mother begins to turn stroller around, still in clear hearing range)
'fuck that baby.'

girl: (in shock at next till, speaking to jamie).
'did he just say that?'

jamie: (says calmly to girl).
'yes'.

HAHAHAHAHAHA<3

then this morning, i wake up to this lovely message:

so the connection isn't really there for these 'separate' topics but hey, both made me smile.

oh and FYI: i am back to my normal self, well minus a few sniffles here and there... thank you to all of those who wished me well!
teehee. atreyu, dinner?, sleepover, breekie? tomorrow!

----------------
Listening to: Atreyu - Blow

everyday feels like Sunday

2007-09-16T13:49:00.000-04:00

i have so much work to do but since my Steelers are on i guess that i'll finish it after the game.
my weekend has been pretty shitty and filled with tea, toilet paper, cough drops, meds and trying to sleep. i got the sniffles late friday night and by saturday morning it turned into a full fledged cold... in fact, it's one of the worst i've had in awhile. i usually don't get sick very often so i'm chalking it up to being stress related [well mostly]. i've had a lot on my plate lately - both good and bad. between my best friend turning 21, starting school, scheduling my driver's test, learning how to parallel park, getting called in for jury duty, getting photo [& lady] supplies, doing laundry, cleaning and cooking, it's a lot to take in. but i love being busy. it keeps me on my toes. even now, i'm still sick but i'm multi-tasking at the same time.
next week is a pretty big week, i have my first photo assignment due and my first business test [not looking forward to that] however, it brightens up during the middle when i get to see atreyu with my best friend on wednesday in buffalo - which i told her i would take her out to dinner after and more than likely i'll end up sleeping over her house, since there are four bands, an hour drive and with dinner, it will probably be about midnight i figure... at least i don't have class until 11 the next morning so i'll be able to sleep in somewhat which i always love. then the next day i will have three hours of photo lab. with this cute new guy. i'm not dropping names, hints or anything here - i'm over it all. i just like looking at him and listening to him sing daughtry; that is all i'm gonna say about that.

i will be 21 in EXACTLY one month; holy shit!
and what am i going to do???? i have no idea.
i suppose i got some time to think about it.

my mom

2007-09-12T20:23:00.000-04:00

always loved elton john.
in fact, her wedding song was "your song" by him and i cry every time i hear it.
but nonetheless, i was named after her favorite tv show character: 'samantha stephens' from bewitched.
the song is "Lady Samantha", written and performed by elton john.
i can not tell you how many times my life has came down to a coincidence like this.
however, i can not express how appropriate these song lyrics are:

When the shrill winds are screaming
And the evening is still
Lady Samantha glides over the hill
In a long satin dress that she wears every day
Her home is the hillside, her bed is the grave
Lady Samantha glides like a tiger
Over the hills with no one beside her
No one comes near
They all live in fear
But Lady Samantha, she sheds only tears
The tales that I told round the fire every night
Are out of proportion and none of them right
She is harmless and empty of anything bad
For she once had something that most of you have

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGHAN!

2007-09-06T21:38:00.000-04:00

YOU BETTER COMMENT MY BEST FRIEND AND TELL HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY CUZ YOU CAN NOT DEAL WITH A SICILIAN N'YAWKER BEATDOWN
ps- and she's pretty much a babe; so dudes feel free to hit on her - she's single.

there are faces i'll remember all my life

2007-08-29T21:17:00.000-04:00

it's a really weird thing to miss faces... it could be very superficial; doesn't mean you know all the people behind them. maybe you just miss a smile, or a frown, their eye color, or a look - or maybe you've gotten close enough to recall their hugs, laugh or smell. it's funny how such small, meaningless things can be associated with their face.
i miss all of their faces. some of them i "know". some of them i've never met. but i have seen all of them in person at least once and i even have reoccurring dreams about some of them. i keep getting that Beatles song stuck in my head when i think about them -- their faces or their names. there must be a reason for that.
or maybe i just want there to be one... sometimes the hardest thing to figure out is your own damn mind; why people are the way they are; and why you can't help yourself but to love them [whether it be for good or bad].
i miss you all.

my private war

2007-08-14T21:21:00.000-04:00

i will be 21 in about two months; my sister will be 21 in about one. there's not much that she doesn't know about me. and she knows all my secrets ... except one. there's one that i kept from everyone for awhile. and i'm probably a coward by making this so only a select few can see, but i still don't want everyone to know this about me. it's private and a little too personal. i mean fuck, if my dad knew, he would probably send me to the hospital right now:

bu·li·mi·a
n.

1. An eating disorder, common especially among young women of normal or nearly normal weight, that is characterized by episodic binge eating and followed by feelings of guilt, depression, and self-condemnation. It is often associated with measures taken to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, the use of laxatives, dieting, or fasting. Also called bulimarexia, bulimia nervosa.
2. Excessive or insatiable appetite.

right after i graduated high school i started to become bulimic. it lasted for about a year and a half until there was this guy that i really liked that ended up dying in a car crash from a drunk driver. it was then that i realized how short this life is that we have. it's not like i fell in love with him or anything but he was the first guy that i really kinda felt something for after benji. he was only 18; and til this day, i can't tell you what his middle name was or where he was from but i still think about his smile and the blue of his eyes when i'm walking those halls.

i was ashamed of myself back then and i suppose that's why i never told anyone. i still don't wanna talk about it. but i got through it. by myself. and i think that that was something i had to do by myself. i'm not weak for not telling anyone. and i am strong for getting past it to begin with. but i'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't because of benji. i am over him. and i think that's why i am able to confess it now. i'm past my addictions on all levels; or at least my unhealthy ones. seeing him with all these little twigs are not easy for a girl with hips, thighs and an ass to see. especially when you're trying to get over him. i'm not blaming it all on him. it's not like he put a gun to my head. it's my fault for being weak to start with. for making myself throw up -- and because why? i want to lose some weight? or to have a fucking boyfriend? nope; not that superficial anymore. for the first time, this is me. samantha alma saeva; in the living, breathing flesh.

then at the tail end, there was a man who really put the needle in the coffin for me. at the time, i looked good but i wasn't happy. but him staring at me like that - it made me feel empowered. and it was one of the starts where i kept my food down that whole night. he broke my habit. then once i was ... clean [i guess that will be the word i use] he saw me again and this time i knew a lil about him. he has been around the world - seen all kinds of woman too; has dated models just like that other asshole did and yet, he still wants me. still stares at me. still as gorgeous as he ever was. it was a test i made for myself. i was MYself. my style was mine. my smiles were genuine. i ate with my best friend. i laughed with my best friend. and, i looked fabulous with my best friend. it was the best night of my life.

so there you go meghan. my only deep dark secret that you didn't know. i know that maybe as soon as a year that we could be living in different states and different countries later on even. but i just want you to know that you made me strong. when the whole world was against me, fuck, even when i was against myself. you were there for me... sometimes without even knowing it. and i want you to realize that no matter where in the world we are i will never forget you. you are irreplaceable. and i value your trust more than anything else - ever. anything that i need to conquer within myself has to do with you also. i hope you don't think any less of me because i kept this to myself. i hope you understand and don't get mad at me for it. i feel better already, like there was a weight lifted from my shoulders. i'm ready to take on the world. at 20 going on 30. nothing is stopping me now. not drama, not borders, not men, not money, and not even love.

bring it bitches<3

meggy megson.

2007-08-01T06:55:00.000-04:00

people go on through life making and losing friends.
friends are the people you always know are there to have fun, and make you feel good.
BESTFRIENDS are the ones you know that can come to no matter what, and know that they will never turn there backs on you no matter the circumstances.
Lily is one of those people who always push themselves aside, and care for others, no matter what. She always has an open heart, and words that can change your life forever.
she is literally like the best thing thats ever happened to me.
i mean, i've had my fair share of friends before, but shes different.
shes not just my best friend, but shes my sister. my other hip. my guardian. everything; pretty much. Shes the one who helps me get through everything. I mean, God has equally put us through some WHACK ASS shit. and its nearly brought us over the edge, a few times.
BUT...thanks to her, shes the one whose kept me grounded, and focused. and shes the one whose put me to sleep knowing that shes there for me, and shes there no matter what goes on in our lives, and for that i can never repay her. She is always giving me words of wisdom, and shes what keeps me breathing, and living, living life to its fullest and having the confidence to believe in myself.
"TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED"
i can seriously say, that i will never be able to live a life, and repay, and thank her for what shes done. We go through things in life wishing that in the end, there will be a lesson learned. i still have yet to figure all the lessons out [like she always says], but i'm so happy that i have a best friend like her to hold her hand, and ride the roller coaster, were about to go through. we've been through a couple loops, but the big plunge is still a head, and i know shell be there, right by my side ...
when you read this, i want you to know that no matter what happens, you're never alone, cuz ill ALWAYS be here. i love you meghan leigh<3

----------------
Listening to: Atreyu - When Two Are One

finish strong - i love this...

2007-06-17T09:27:00.000-04:00

this is for all you people that HAVE to make something out of nothing; those of you that have to label things and ask why why why.
something's don't have answers and some things can't be explained in words.
sometimes, some things just have to be felt.
I love this so much I had to put it as a blog. This is from Matt at Finish Strong:

The best people are right in front of you.

They are not on the road in bands. They work at starbucks. They work at the mall. They sit in front of computers while the sun shines outside. They have done you favors and you have never thanked them. They know you have never thanked them and they still love you. The best people are right in front of you.The best people work for minimum wage. They are not in the spotlight. They dont smile all the time. They cry behind closed doors. They are real people. They are not convenient friends. THEY ARE NOT CONVENIENT FRIENDS. They dont need to hear from you when you find time between reading emails from fans. They are real people that love you for all your faults and weaknesses. And they will be waiting still, when you finally have time for them. The best people are right in front of you. They listen when all you do is talk about yourself. They share a smoothie and just say nothing. They do more for others than they do for themselves, which is why they are not as far ahead as the selfish ego maniacs. The best people dont win awards. The best people arent even up for an award.

They are too busy being the best people. And they dont even know it.

I would like to thank every single one of you for the support you have given us.

And im sorry to have to say this but Finish Strong has NOTHING to do with straight edge or hardcore. AT ALL. So im sorry if people thought that but there is just no way. Way more about peace and love and old country music and jazz and good things in life. NO damn way we are about anything that involves hitting people or beating people up. Strictly non-violence. Strictly non-attitude.

Finish Strong Family .. DEFINITELY NOT TOUGH GUYS.
RESPECT AND SUMMER LOVE.
Scap.

what's sexy?

2007-06-13T00:24:00.000-04:00

trendsetters - you know those guys... they come up with a look, tattoo, hobby, whatever and next thing you know, everyone is doing or has it.
men who use facial moisturizer.
NOT bragging.
goals and ambitions!
Adam's apples.
good custom Nike's... or tees... or hats.
haute couture boxer-breifs... like Louis Vuitton, Dolce & Gabanna, etc. [hmmm, what else ya got under there??]
smiles - don't kid yourself, women love them.
when you see me and your eyes dilate - yeow.
NATURAL SKIN COLOR [i <3 freckles, not orange].
stud earrings [well if your ears are pierced.]
cologne, cologne, cologne.
clean haircuts [well if you have hair.]
cooking for yourself or others.
teaching me something [like how to use chopsticks].
some body fat - i like a lil belly.
reading. [don't ask me why i find that attractive haha]
watching the game with me & not rooting against my team just because it's my team.
your mom - no really, women love that you love mama.
Starbucks - if you don't let *slash* don't like me having coffee, this won't last long.
and lastly, accepting my shoe addiction... seriously, this is not going anywhere if you yell at me about that.

I got this idea from the new Allure I received today in the mail. The whole July issue is about "how to make yourself sexy." I live to make lists. And I bet you guys have a shit load about what makes a woman sexy... and since I'm a pretty straight-forward person, I have no trouble about telling you what's hot to me.

october 16

2007-04-27T18:00:00.000-04:00

all at once it seemed so easy
the way to make this right
just to let myself feel these things
and say what's on my mind
so i let my guard down
and it seems not for the best
i guess i do the right things
at all the wrong times
and stand to pay the price

cause i waited much too long
or just said something wrong
and i miss you

but you're not giving in
i missed it
and better luck is on my wish list
maybe that's why i'm alive
i'm not giving up on this yet
another time it might be different
if anything that's why i'm alive

if i'd just said something sooner
then maybe this could start
but at the time i couldn't see this coming
or how it'd fall apart
you can slow it down
and you can buy more time
but it comes around
and then you change your mind too late

there's nothing left to say about it now

i wish i remembered who did that song ...
did you know the title "october 16th" is my birthday?

l.o.v.e.?

2007-04-06T05:55:00.000-04:00

If I gave you pretty enough words,

Could you paint a picture of us that works?

An emphasis on function rather than design.

Are you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back

And blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while...

Aren't you tired of me being weak?

Such rage that you could scream -

All the stars right out of the sky,

And destroy the prettiest starry night.

It's every evening that I die.

I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold.

After all these images of pain, have cut right through you,

I will kiss every scar, and weep.

You are not alone...

Then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat.

Aren't you tired of being weak?

----------------
Listening to: Atreyu - Ain't Love Grand

Still I Rise

2007-03-29T19:39:00.000-04:00

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise.

I rise
I rise.

---------------

that is one of my favorite things. thank you maya angelou.

about me:

2007-01-24T21:23:00.000-05:00

i'm samantha saeva... but call me sam, please.
since i was 1, my mom has been in a nursing home with multiple sclerosis. which makes me an only child and contrary to popular belief - i don't like it. a little after my mom was admitted permanently, my grandmother died of cancer. so i was raised by my father and grandfather. for most of his life, my grandfather was a farmer and took care of his older brother's horse while i was alive. her name was 'presumed innocent' and she was mainly to race; since my whole family practically are impulsive gamblers but, i loved her to death. my grandpa died when i was 7 and since then, i've basically went from child to adult without much else in the middle. while most girls were playing with barbies, i was watching / playing sports. joe montana was my hero when i was a kid ... not that that means i'm good at any of them. i suck at most of them actually haha but i love to play & the competition anyhow. he chose not to have the open-heart surgery. my grandpa never had much but even back then, i knew that he loved me with all his heart. he just didn't love me more than his wife. love, or maybe its side effects, was always something i had to cope with ironically. my mother went to catholic school and stayed a virgin until she married the love of her life. and my dad was a loud sicilian that never took any shit. and even at that age, i had always thought: 'where did it get everybody?' the only time i've ever rebelled in my life was soon after my papa died. i remember sitting in my mother's closet one day, just crying my eyes out and trying on everything dad kept of hers ... from makeup, shoes, dresses, hats - anything that was in there. and from that day forward: i've been a fashionista. i basically taught myself how to be and act like a woman. ya know, doing my hair and makeup right; i put myself on a clinique skin care regimen at 10 [which later my dad told me that my mom used to do the very same thing]; and got my first pair of heels in grade 5. they were denim wedges, about 4.5 inches high, that i wore with ev-ery-thinggg. until one night i fell flat on my face. i thought i broke my nose, busted my lip, chipped my 2 front teeth - you name it and all i ended up with was a scar on my knee. my pop yelled at me and i obliged him by not wearing them until a week later, when i got right back up on my feet and into those heels again. my summer vacations were spent watching the yankees with my dad, while reading cosmo [good thing pop had no idea what the magazine had in it. and at 11, a girl still blushed at the sex articles of course]. around then, i met my, now current, best friend. i think it was at girl scouts... we bonded over the backstreet boys if i remember correctly. a year later, i had my first trip to toronto that basically changed my life forever. i was able to be independent, but most of all, i was ecstatic. it may be considered another country but it's where i really l i v e my life; where i'm most comfortable in my own skin. i sort of live two lives in most aspects of my life but especially between new york and ontario... and my sister is like the bridge that keeps me from collapsing. meg was right there for the majority of those hogtown trips... and she has turned into the biggest influence in my life. she's not only my best friend; she is my sister, my flesh and blood and my dad loves her like his own. even though i owe her more than i could ever repay, i am so lucky that i have her around to tell me that i can do whatever i want. even if that means moving from this rediciously small town to T.O. [well that is, when my budget allows]. i never had that positive attitude growing up. no one told me that i could do whatever i put my mind to and my heart in. i think she knows that i'm forever in debt to her [and it probably helps that i tell her all the damn time haha]. god has dealt us some equally whack ass shit in our lives and it brought us to the brink of giving up a couple of times but we fought back like motherfucking soldiers. i can safely say that considering the circumstances, we turned into 2 amazing women... i don't want to talk about those poor bastards who broke out hearts when we were 17, but i will say that even though they changed us forever, they never deserved us to begin with and in the end: we ended up on top.
that's all i really know about me & the rest is a still work in progress.

_________________

as for the basics:
--my favorite band is rancid; but i listen to & love pretty much everything like: elvis, jay-z, madball, moz, the rat pack, etc.
--my favorite movie is 'cat on a hot tin roof' starring, my favorites - paul newman & elizabeth taylor [but really, any audrey hepburn and john wayne films need honorable mentions on that list too].
--my favorite book is persuasion by jane austen but i love and i don't want to live this life, written by nancy spungen's mother, just because the reader gets a preview to the soft side of sid vicious.
--the only tv shows i try not to miss are: prison break and rob & big... however i seem to be a fan of sex & the city, everybody loves raymond and frasier re-runs.
--who my heroes are is a pretty easy question to answer: my sister and rob dyer. those two could be the best people i've ever came into contact with. and of course my mother is the strongest person i have ever known. and any thing or trait that may be good within me comes from her.
--i'm currently in college for communications; specifically for public relations.
--i'm a vegetarian.
-- i have one dog: mollie nizzle<3 who i am protective of and spoil rotten.
--i'm pretty much known for my shoes and making good cupcakes, i guess.
--and lastly, i'm single and frik'n hating it.
-- bleedingxdiamond

anything else? just ask - i have no reason to lie; or better yet, just figure it out for yourself ;)

death?

2006-12-13T01:30:00.000-05:00

for fourteen fucking years, i've had the same images stuck in my head.
for fourteen years, i still wake up in the dead of night in the summer and see the horse, the stable, the bright red water pump in the backyard.
everything is so clear to me, it's like i'm 6 again.
then i blink and it's gone.
for fourteen years, i have seen the night he died behind my eyelids.
the lights / shadows, sounds / stillness, the pacing of his feet / the tranquility of him.
for fourteen years, i wished i was a child... that i never experienced death or sorrow or pain until i was at least old enough to understand them.

you have no idea why i am the way that i am - and that's my fault. i think about death everyday. it's not some morbid fascination; it's just reality. i know some people can't talk about it without getting choked up but that's not me. the only way i get to see him again is by those thoughts but they also haunt me.
there's no way to have your cake and eat it too.

ever wonder why i'm so stubborn? or why i just can't let somethings [or some people] go?

he's why. he taught me to never give up on what i believe in. he also broke my heart. but i wouldn't have it any other way.

i'd rather remember my grandfather with beauty and pain than be numbed by some bullshit drugs [legal or illegal]. the scariest fear i have is not experiencing life as i want it, not dying. you never hear the shot that kills you. living without ambitions is the real tear-jerker here.

i don't want your pity. i can't stand fake people.
i just want you to know. trying to get into my head is really all i can offer.

all we have is what we perceive. we decide what is real and what isn't. it's all subjective. that's all i'm saying. and you can't judge what i don't confess, so i don't.