how my heart behaves.

we leave for california in less than a month... well hopefully. and really it is a trip to LA. we are landing in LAX. we are stayin in LA [or very close to it]. but i reallllllllllllly want to take a day out and hit up Huntington Beach. at first i thought it was an excellent possibility with public transportation. now i hear that's it close to an hour drive. i don't give a fuck if its a 4 hour drive, i still want to go. that's really all i want to do. well outside of LA. in LA, i'm sure we will be doing lots of fabulous shopping and dining. and visiting the santa monica pier but i wanna see PCH. i wanna walk the streets that i've heard some of my favorite people talk about for like 5/6 years now. i wanna point and go "oh that's the place where ____". i want to lay around and go for long walks on the beach. i want to smell, taste, touch the pacific ocean. that doesn't happen in LA. but most of all, i just want to be apart of something bigger than me. i want to feel like "this is where i belong." maybe not permanently. maybe not for the rest of my life. but just for a day, just for an hour, i want to feel what it's like to not live in a shit hole. what it's like to walk around a city and see more sand than pavement. and maybe just pretend that there's still hope in the world.

i'm holding no expectations for this trip. hell at this point, i'm not even expecting this trip will happen. i'm hoping, praying and wishing. it would be nice to see joel while we are there. it would be nice to see josh while we are there. it would be nice to see my HB [if] we are there. it would be nice to eat at the Ivy with lindsay fuckin lohan while we are there. but all of that doesn't even matter to me honestly. i want to just go on a plane again. i want to have butterflies in my stomach. i want to have all my things packed. i want to feel independent. i want to get away from this state of pain, anger and disappointment in me. i don't want to be tied down. i don't want to worry about if chris is gonna be somewhere. i don't want to worry about what i say or can't say. i don't want to worry if i have under eye circles or if i look fat. i just want to fucking live and be happy with my best friend.