you're weighed down, you're full of something... you're underneath it all.

[that is dallas green up there, for you that don't know. he has this amazing album coming out that touches me... and this person is one i adore dearly. if you see quotes here... they are his words -- highlighting my thoughts.]



i miss my old friends. i miss sue, rachael, sarah, rachel, danielle, anthony. hell even my ex on occassion. toronto has hit me hard tonight. thinking about the silverstein show with rob also being there... the bats show earlier in the week with gallows that people are posting pictures of. making me miss getting/giving hugs from rob, scotty and liam :/ bumming me out. i haven't seen them since june -- honestly, thats just wrong. thinking a lot about chris too. i haven't seen his face in so long. i hope he's ok. i hope he's happy. i also hope i get to see his smile soon, i miss it.

' no i am not where i belong.'

truth is, i really should be doing other things, papers, quizzes, extra credit papers and quizzes. i know this... yet i don't care. i feel like losing myself in his words because he says such things i can't. or perhaps its all that i won't. i don't know where i'm going with this.

'my nerves will be the death of me i know.'

yes, dal, yes. i don't want to seem lazy, i am not. i'm too ambitious, anxious, too much of a thinker. i want so much for myself and never settle. i have high standards for me but i feel like i don't know what i want anymore. i just don't know how to start. it used to be toronto, after all this college crap. now i don't know. maybe it's doubt. i feel like i'm standing still. and i'm not scared of many things. i embrace change. but i'm scared to death of the fall. now i want to go where they say. just so i'm not alone. 2.5 hours away from my family, not bad. but all i need is a city.

'all the worries occupies the back of my mind... could it be this misery will suffice?'

maybe i'll move to niagara falls instead-still in new york, only hour away from my family. maybe new york city since i love it there but 6.5 hours away. maybe virgina with meghan. maybe los angeles and work for the lakers or the dodgers... i don't know if those are options or dreams. at this point, the latter i think.

'when the wind does blow against the grain, you must follow your heart.'

so many things i want to say. mouth open, nothing coming out. i really miss being in a relationship. if not for anything else, its for talking at 3am when everyone else is sleeping and my insomnia keeps me up. for him relating to me, with ease. that's all i really need: conversation. hearing his voice, the voice that makes me smile. that's all i long for.

'you don't ask for no diamond ring. no delicate string of pearls. that's why i wrote this song to sing, my beautiful girl.'

i think love is overrated. but i think i need it to keep me afloat. i don't ask for much. just a talk over tea will do. fuck, i'll take via webcam. yet, i can name about three men/relationships that if i just spoken up, they could've been "it"... well, potentially. i'm no good at dating. i don't think i'm that good at being subtle either, but maybe to them i am. i try to be more forthright and nothing seems to come of it later on. i want to vomit if i hear another: "but he wasn't the right person." so where might he be? on the other side of the country? or in a different country? is he a canuck? he in london? or new zealand? perhaps the north fucking pole? i love too easily. am hurt too often - that hasn't changed in 21 years.

'there's no need to rush, we're all just waiting...'

my eyes are filling up now. i better stop. i always knew i was my own worst enemy. i don't want to talk about the past, present, or future anymore for right now. what's coming will be bright for me. it has to be; because i can't survive entirely in the dark anymore.

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and thats all i am now. all i've came down to is a simple mix of lyrics and thoughts. too many of both. usually it's morrissey. but for the moment, i am sharing at least a brain cell with mr.green.









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Listening to: City And Colour - Waiting

' oh listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain

- telling me just what a fool i've been. '


my dad used to sing that song when i was growing up. and for some reason whenever i hear the rain fall, i can hear him singing that line. i imagine as time goes on that memory will be getting more precious.

but this is not the time for sob stories. which was definitely not to be expected because i spent most of my morning thinking about how i'm missing my bats in toronto. but i had a fabulous day. i mean technically, the day has ended already but for the moment i'm still stuck in yesterday.

i got a hundred on my latest english quiz.
i got a free GRANDE starbucks bold coffee.
my hair was absolutely perfect in a gisele bundchen, sex pot way, well minus everything that is good about her life.
but most of all, i was cleaning and found my mom's old pictures.

some were from niagara falls, virgina beach, lake george - just little trips her and my dad took by themselves. they turned into each other's best friends. and they were just...perfect. she was perfect. not that she isn't now, but her battle with illness has took a toll on her. but back then she could've been a model. honestly! looking back at them, i thought i was looking at an urban outfitters catalogue. she was exquisite. she is timeless. she is also one to change her hair color [some pictures shes blonde, some shes red, and some shes brunette], wear heels [platforms], and drink coffee [theres one of her chugging a huge cup of it]... all of these are much like her daughter. she had such a magnetism about her. i must've looked at these pictures about 1000 times throughout the day. i hope i get that. i hope someday my children can look at pictures of me and think: "wow, my mother was gorgeous." but i doubt it.

i wish i could see her dance. i wish i could cook with her. i wish i could go shopping with her. i wish i could take her to toronto. i wish she could guide me. i wish lots of things for her and me.

just thinking of her being my age and being pushed by my father on a swing set - like she was in one of the photos - just bring tears to my eyes. i turn into such a baby when it comes to her and my grandfather. those are the only two, just the thought. just saying their names, and i'm choking back tears. exactly like i am now. i can't wait to upload these pictures somehow. i don't have a scanner, so i'm gonna ghetto it and just take a digital picture of the picture. but it will be done, and soon.

and now i'm afraid i have to go to sleep, i have started to cry. kind of ironic when you think about it... i said this wasn't a time for a sob story. and it wasn't when i was first viewing the images, but now i suppose it is.

sam contradicting herself; who knew?!





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Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone