sometimes...

i don't know why i do things. but something told me to view rachael's blog entitled "my friends"... and her 10 people she chose for this survey were none i knew.

fine. awesome. to be expected.

then i decided to look at her older ones, and thats where the real disappointment and anger and frustration took hold. having ones in 05 like "hanging at samies with her and meggy." or seeing comments i left her that ended in "i love you". or blog comments from 05 from meghan like "i hope i get to see you over the summer! <3 Meggy Megson" and kristel even saying that she loved her and to keep her chin up. and now rach has the audacity to ask her if she even knows her?!?! and it just came out and i started crying. even yesterday, a few tears came out when i saw evan's new pix because i thought "he should have an aunt sam." she never had a fuckin clue. it has always been and will always be rachael, rachael, rachael. and i'm fuckin sick of it. i deleted her off my buddy list and made it private. when may comes around we are doing absolutely nothing besides getting my fucking shoes back. fuck it. i'm so sick of convenient friends.

i mean, i have jenna in cali-fuckin-fornia telling me that she wants to meet me because of how much i inspire her and even though i'm 3000 miles away something about me radiates. i have ericka and jenny who i write like pages and pages of feelings and shit to this past week and will get pages and pages back just because they understand and can relate and fuckin share. even though jenna is 25 and jenny/ericka is 17, it doesn't matter because they care enough to be nice to me... hell, even more than nice. jesus fuckin christ, i even commented dave tryin to be funny asking him to teach me how to be metal and he comments back "perhaps when you are out here." the thought of hangin with the dear and departed alone was enough to make me smile/laugh. and yet, all of those messages or feelings don't even begin to compare to my best friend. i can't sleep at night unless we've said 'nite, love ya' s. i do not ask for much. and it doesn't take much to win me over.

i'm such a smart girl, but i'm such a sucker for trying to be nice to her. partially because i blame myself. partially because i think she needs a friend. but she doesn't. she would have noticed wayyyy before now how loyal i am, just like meghan tells me i am like every birthday or thanksgiving or christmas. i'm not a jealous person. i'm not a dramatic person. fuck, i'm not even a sad person anymore. but there's something about rachael that just makes me want to put a baseball bat to her skull.

over it.

4 am. bedtime and making a new layout with meg's ideas in it tomorrow. fuck you. i'm a dork. and i enjoy making shit that requires me lookin at HB dudes for hours on end. at least someone sees it and tells me they appreciate it. at least i don't have a one year old kid, fat ass, bird nose, sagging tits or a deadbeat baby daddy. ohh ok, that was a lil mean. i will retract that previous sentence.

fuck, i'm such an angry person inside. one of these days... just watch the fuck out. i need a good laugh to make me feel like i'm not such a terrible person. to feel light and easy going again. cuz right now, i'm just stressed, >:|