jaded.

it's safe to say, i have a lot on my plate. and i mean on any regular wednesday. not when my stress level is up, not when something's due. every single day. growing up means learning how to deal with every day as it comes in a healthy way. i've been an adult since i was seven. death doesn't really effect me anymore. tears don't really effect me anymore. sometimes i just feel dead inside. or numb. or comatose. dad never used to cry. i can't remember the last time i saw him cry. these past two months, he cries every time my mom has a seizure. every. time. and he can't even learn how to use his bank card without me. and i just don't the patience. today after my mom had the seizure, he started crying. right at the hospital. and my first thought was "jesus christ, get over it". and i was appalled with myself. i had a few tears fall too, but not like crazy sobbing... and i'm a crier [ask meghan].
i just don't know how to deal with things anymore. i feel bad for mom, my first thought is always about her. and it's usually "this poor woman." because there's nothing else i can do for her. but his crying fits as of late, just make me roll my eyes. i'm a horrible person. i must be. i remember when i was a little girl, i used to cry for every one. like he cried. he used to tell me: "you're gonna do this everytime?"
all of his uncles have/had alzheimer's. i think grandpa died before he would have gotten it to. i remember when his Uncle Don used to cry from just seeing his daughter from Jersey. Dad always said the disease makes you: "once a man, twice a boy."

i can't handle Mom's MS getting worse.
i can't handle a boy.
i can't handle me thinking about either of those.

"you do what you have to"
...i don't know what i have to do, so please don't tell me another cliche like that. drinking doesn't help. getting laid isn't going to help. therapy doesn't work. pills don't work.

rubbish.