and i'll do anything to just feel better. any little thing that just feels better.

my resolution this year is to not worry so much about my past or where i'm going. to live and let live. let it be. let go and let god. hell, there's so many i could go on for days. and it hasn't been that hard. but this is only day three. and i'm haunted with some amazing new songs lately... and most of them have to do with my past. and one of my favorite parts of the past is without a doubt - Christopher. maybe i have grown, because normally i'd be crying for these songs but i find myself smiling and singing along. first one is by my favorite artist: dallas green. yup my favorite artist i said it. no one compares right now - but don't get it twisted with my favorite bands. this is a live video of his latest song: waiting from the new album that drops in february. and the second is lenny kravitz's new song: i'll be waiting. i love lenny because he can do it all. whether he's on a track with pharrell and diddy or if he's just on his guitar - i love him either way; rock or rap.




i wish i had lyrics to these two but i just have lenny's. nonetheless, both make me face the issue i have in my heart and that's him. sometimes i feel like i have to let him go like i did benj. but you know what? i don't want to now. and i never wanted to before. i will wait the rest of my life for him. i will go on and love others i'm sure. but he's it for me. i'm 99% sure of it. maybe we will never get our shit together. maybe we will always be leaving. but no matter what, i'm lucky to have been in his presence. i'm lucky that he even glances at me. and he's lucky that i care... and as it's looking right now, that i will always care.

he gets my thoughts and regards, but i'm not focused on him. and that was another part of my resolution. yes, he makes me happy. but there are plenty of other things that make me happy around here. like concerts with my sister and a full-week vacation planned for the first time since i was 10. and ... and this is gonna make me sound whore-y ... but there's other guys that make me happy too. even in the corny innocent ways, there's still a smile on my face when i hit the pillow. so guess what? it does make me feel better. he's not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere yet. live in just today - oh my god there's another one. this life is not so bad when you just take it one day at a time - ok i have to cut this shit out now.