quote of the day:

' Aww, Pariasite has to settle for the fat-TER brother. Double ew. '

hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
[i'm sorry josh, but those comments are funn-eh.]

and now on to more news:
hmmm, i think paris banged him too... no wonder he needs a whole stash!

and to the highlight of my day:

woooooooooooooooooo channing. can't wait to see Stop Loss with my girl... maybe she can bring my new BFF too hahaha [more coming after the pix.]





before i talk about meghan... can we talk about those arms? they're so shiny and gorgeous and bada bing. ya know?

ok, so meghan leigh donohue. my BFF. god i hate those internet terms haha [or should i 'LOL']. anyhow, she is positively glowing. not even kidding you. and because of that. i'm positively glowing. she has a crush on this guy she works with. i've heard about him a few times before this but nothing besides how funny he is. all of a sudden, it's how cute he is and how comfortable sher is around him. so after a few weeks, i got to see this boy. his name is keith. he's 19, going to college for business, and his age has nothing to do with it. which is amazing. he's mature and responsible, gets all of his work done ahead of time, respectful, and helpful. that's all i need to know. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch or anything, but i really hopes this one works out. and then... i'll have another BFF hahaha her fave co-workers and i are thinking about taking a trip to canada [so keither can drink hahaha] which i am obviously stoaked about.

as for me, it's been an amazing year so far. my grades might be the best they've ever been. my family is healthy. theres a free simple plan show this thursday at the mall -- my two things favorite things: shopping and canucks. um, the dear and departed is pretty much the loves of my life now. and josh madden likes my eyebows. and avenged sevenfold in 12 days. life is good.

we all knew this was coming...

i hope i'll see you around... eventually.
this is just fuckin silly.
maybe thats all it was... silly.
i will see you again, and 10 bucks says my heart stops again and my breaths shorten and my cheeks get red any my eyes will meet yours and nothing will become of it...
but i'll feel alive and restored to move on.


i think this is the only thing keeping me afloat:

You need not, to climb mountaintops
You need not, to cross the sea
You need not, to find a cure
for everything that makes you weak.

You need not to reach for the stars,
when life becomes so dark
and when the wind
does blow against the grain
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood

when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

If you feel, you paid the price
and your wounds should cease to heal
and everything you love in life,
spins like a winding wheel
if you should wake, to find you're abandoned.
and the road you travel, leads to a dead end

when death creeps in, to play it's part.
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart


no... i am not where i belong. but theres no telling when this could change.

----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - The Girl

and i'll do anything to just feel better. any little thing that just feels better.

my resolution this year is to not worry so much about my past or where i'm going. to live and let live. let it be. let go and let god. hell, there's so many i could go on for days. and it hasn't been that hard. but this is only day three. and i'm haunted with some amazing new songs lately... and most of them have to do with my past. and one of my favorite parts of the past is without a doubt - Christopher. maybe i have grown, because normally i'd be crying for these songs but i find myself smiling and singing along. first one is by my favorite artist: dallas green. yup my favorite artist i said it. no one compares right now - but don't get it twisted with my favorite bands. this is a live video of his latest song: waiting from the new album that drops in february. and the second is lenny kravitz's new song: i'll be waiting. i love lenny because he can do it all. whether he's on a track with pharrell and diddy or if he's just on his guitar - i love him either way; rock or rap.




i wish i had lyrics to these two but i just have lenny's. nonetheless, both make me face the issue i have in my heart and that's him. sometimes i feel like i have to let him go like i did benj. but you know what? i don't want to now. and i never wanted to before. i will wait the rest of my life for him. i will go on and love others i'm sure. but he's it for me. i'm 99% sure of it. maybe we will never get our shit together. maybe we will always be leaving. but no matter what, i'm lucky to have been in his presence. i'm lucky that he even glances at me. and he's lucky that i care... and as it's looking right now, that i will always care.

he gets my thoughts and regards, but i'm not focused on him. and that was another part of my resolution. yes, he makes me happy. but there are plenty of other things that make me happy around here. like concerts with my sister and a full-week vacation planned for the first time since i was 10. and ... and this is gonna make me sound whore-y ... but there's other guys that make me happy too. even in the corny innocent ways, there's still a smile on my face when i hit the pillow. so guess what? it does make me feel better. he's not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere yet. live in just today - oh my god there's another one. this life is not so bad when you just take it one day at a time - ok i have to cut this shit out now.

merry chris-mas?

that was a portion of my first text of the day from my lovely best friend.

there's been something on my mind. and it just so happens, it has to do with ... well, them.

on one hand, meghan is without a doubt in my mind, the key motivator in my life. maybe that's because i'm in my twenties and everyone says that your friends mean more to you than anyone. could be true. but i've said it before and i'll say it again: she's more than my best friend. she's my sister. she IS my family. and no other person in my family has an impact on me like she does. i've never had the closeness with any other person that i have with her. and i know that when i talk to her about my future, her comments come from the heart and she only has my best intentions in mind.

then, there's the other hand. the striking, blue-eyed, unassuming, inked up hand. the hand that guides my heart. as much as i hate to admit this... i'm kind of straying from that hand. i'm keeping my options open, yes, but that doesn't mean that for one second, that i have let anything slip through my fingers. he is the most addicting thing i have ever encountered. and my life really has changed because of him. everything from music to my friends have evolved around that first time we locked eyes when i was 18. since then, not to many things have made sense - but they all feel aaamazing.

i think i've learned anything throughout this year it's that you have to do what feels good to you because you never know when it will happen again. and for the moment ... he is not what feels good to me. i mean, he is. fuck, when isn't he? his smile is about the only thing that can constantly make me smile the instant i see it. but, i'm keeping my options open. and things are happening that are really attracting me to the opposite sex lately. everything from blushing at j-kras on 'the office', re-reading scap's facebook messages, to giggling at how cute darren's accent is.

maybe it's just because at the moment, i'm more focused on california than toronto. which is where two of the above can be found most of the time. but even still, he lingers in the back. and the common thread there really; yup, even with krasinski. every once and awhile, i cry about him because i feel like i'm losing him up there. but you can't lose something you never had.

if it was suppose to happen, it would have. but yet, maybe the answer is: it will in due time. all good things come in time. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions but TD&D can't stay away forever. shit look at my record with the Cancer Bats, we tried how many times to see those guys? and BOOM we see um like three times in one season. so maybe that will be the day for me and chris. or maybe, just maybe, [and this brings a smile to my face as i'm typing] there will be someone else ... i could say his name ... oh wait, i already did. i don't know how it happened, but oh my god, it hit me like a ton of bricks. the accent, and the eyes, and the freckles, and the smile, holy moses - adorable. i'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket.

there ya go, it is what it is. and yup, guess who is still involved in the middle... but i have to accept the fact that maybe chris is not the final score. maybe he's only the halftime show. there's others who have taken my attention for the moment. i have a feeling that i will always have feelings for him. and perhaps, when i move to where he lives in a few years, this will change. and of course i still have to hit up toronto to see my city<3 and my friends and shopping and amazing shows. but right now, i'm kinda content watching john, watching these blake lewis videos meghan sends me via AIM with chris richardson in them [oh yeah folks, theres chris round three] and checking to see if spook lurked my myspace again hahaha

it's really not so bad ... waiting ... still waiting. hey, it's better than nothing.

two things:

[1]
I don't know if you still think of me, but I always wonder if you do ... I guess either way it wouldn't make a difference since you'll never let go of being the stubborn, close minded human that you are. Sometimes, I wonder if you even know what forgiveness means, the value of it, and will ever realize that if no one forgave you, you wouldn't have a single soul on your side, because you are definitely, for fact, not perfect. It's such a shame to see how you act upon certain situations, and I hope one day you realize how wrong you were. I hope one day you will realize you made a mistake just as much as I did, except the one difference between our errors is that I understand what I did was wrong. You, on the other hand, are convinced that the way you treat me is completely acceptable. In your eyes, you are never, ever wrong, and THAT, is wrong.

[2]
I suppose I should be thinking about the year ahead and trying to establish some sort of "game plan" therein... but to be honest, I know who I am. I know what I love and where I'm going. I'll get there, so it's something I needn't think of anymore. What's on my mind right now... is the unpredictable nature and all around random progression of life. I'm thinking of one person in particular. Perhaps of romance or desire... but of intrigue. To have seen this person only once, some years ago and still find myself intrigued with their perceptions regardless of how they differ from my own. The truth is, they will likely never know of this intrigue as our paths may never cross again, yet it still remains. To this day, I read/see/hear their words and am engaged in ways that I really find myself unable to explain. The plainly evident balance between honesty and portrayal, never straying from one's self... regardless of the cryptic nature of written word at times. These people are few and far between and I must say, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to look away.

So on that note, hold onto those people in whatever form you so choose, sometimes if only from a distance. They are honest and true, they are "reality" in itself. It saved me, once again, from falling in love with a bad idea.

rough. week.

so this past week [november 12th - 16th] has been ludicrously hard on me. started off with an "anniversary" that i was somewhat ok with. i fell in love and was called "a bitch from rochester" haha but that's ok, i'm used to it with him ... but chris, he was the best thing that could have happened to me men-wise. he [without knowing it] helped me get through my eating disorder and restored my faith in myself, not to mention all the great people i have met because of him. but it still made me sad because i can't be where i love, and half of that is near him; but i keep telling myself: soon enough. and there is no rush, i am 21 years old - it's not like i have to marry the man. we got plenty of time.

anyhow, then was the anniversary of another man who helped me without knowing it, who is no longer with us: matt watters. the cutest kid i had ever seen. i can still see him so clearly in my head - piercing blue eyes, always sporting a smile, never had a bad word to say about anybody, charming as anyone you have ever met, and died at the tender age of 18. such a shame. after benj, he was the first guy i had a crush on. and i know that sounds silly but he was the first guy i thought: "well maybe..." about. and now i will never know...which took its toll as well on the 14th.

then i found out via myspace message that in the argument that broke up my ex with his current girlfriend was a screaming match in which he said i was a better fuck ... a little background info here, i have known mike most of my life - our parents are family friends. but dad didn't allow me to date when i was 13, but we did anyhow. and we continued off and on, somewhat not seriously until i was 16/17ish. it was only natural that we did some stuff. but there was never any intercourse ever. and i pride myself on being a virgin like my mother was. now mom held out until her wedding night, i'm unsure if i have the strength to do that but it will definitely be when i'm in a real, serious relationship when it does happen. not to mention, that if my father found out a rumor like that, i would never forgive myself. i realize that dating mike behind his back was wrong but i was 13 gimme a break. plus, mike was gorgeous. even now, not so bad, but especially back in high school when he was more fit haha none of this "upset" me per say but it did piss me off. i am happy to say that he did not receive a nice voicemail from me when i had heard. oh i should also mention that she never knew we dated to begin with - so i was able to be friends with both of them; now i doubt that will happen again.

then the straw that kinda broke my back was yesterday. and this... is so incredibly stupid. i have had this lil thing for a kid in my photo class. and i say kid because he's 19. and normally i don't like younger men but there was something about him... maybe his eyes. he has amazing green eyes; anyhow, he never really had his shit straight. and from the beginning we had good chemistry, and at one point i thought: "i think i might like this guy enough to date him." and, once again, i haven't felt that way about a man from new york since matt. then he misses like three classes since then and his grade really goes into the hole and i thought he withdrew. then last friday, he shows up to lecture. and as soon as he sits down we start talking and there's a huge smile on his face and i'm not gonna lie, it was nice to see him. ok, so this week comes [i have thursday/friday classes so i see him only for about 5 hours a week] and i was pretty sure i wasn't going to see him again. but he showed up. and again a huge smile on his face when he sees me. working in the darkroom, i can see him staring at me out of my peripheries but still i don't say anything. we catch each other going in and out and the most i said was "thank you" when he held the door open for me. well the last time i went out to check on my photos, i see him talking to the professor. the professor tells him he would have to get 100 on everything else we do in class to even get a C in the class and pat said something about his dad not wanting him to withdrawal from the course. so i go back in to do another test strip with the proper aperture this time and when i walk out once again to check my final print, i see him packing up all of his stuff and walking out the door... and then i knew, that was it. and chances are, i will never see him again. so i walk back into my lil quarter of the darkroom to tell my friend kim about it and i just start crying. i think she thought it was because he left but it wasn't well maybe it was part of it. it bothered me that we didn't say anything. and then i compared it to chris... and every time i leave toronto i think i will never see him again. but i can't let that happen between us. yes pat was nice. yes for a moment i thought i could see myself with him. but i never thought of him as chris' competition. to be honest, i don't think anyone ever will. all i know is that i can never, ever, live the rest of my life without chris not knowing who i am. i have to give this a shot. i know if i don't i could lose the most intense feeling of euphoria i have ever experienced. even if it takes 30 years or if we bomb as a couple and have nothing in common or are constantly fighting - it will be better than not having him at all. so that's that. i'm trying to give myself a break from men and that never works.

i've been doing tons of online christmas shopping lately: meg, my mom, dad and myself. i feel i'd probably kill myself if i didn't reward myself every once in awhile because i know no one else will. i also know that me and meg are going to california in june ... i may have mention that a few hundred times haha and dad is even supporting it which is somewhat frightening. so in light of everything, i wanted to make a good purchase for myself this year. it started with shoes [suprise, suprise] then i thought, "these isaac mizrahi ankle boots will be on clearance on dec.26th" ... not to mention a xmas present ;]. then i thought about a new mp3 player, which i really do need. my old one holds only about 100 songs and has two, big cracks in the screen, so i thought iPod. but then i got to thinking about memories. i love my canon rebel, but it's hard to worry about buying film, getting it developed, worrying about prints that i can't make myself. what better way then with a new digital camera. mine still works, but it's pretty ghetto haha i can take pictures, but i can't see them to erase them and i can't zoom in or out so it's pretty much a crap shoot. i am not going to be stuck in california with that piece of shit. so this is what i bought. this is my lil reminder that i have to live life to the fullest. i am in the prime of my life right now. no matter what happens to us after this year, i will always remember all our roadtrips, concerts, men, and now vacations... and this is how i will capture it all:

with everything said and done, it was 92 bucks at best buy. came with free shipping, one year warranty, pouch included. it was 5mp which was better than my old one, had the same zoom as my old one and so much more sleeker and pink! hahah so me. i don't think it was a bad deal for 85 bucks. probably a better investment than those 2 pairs of boots i wanted ... however, you and i both know ... i will have them at some point anyhow. i'm too stubborn not to. if you won't or can't buy it for me, i will do it myself. just how i am. i'm headstrong i know. bottom line, i'm happy as hell now that i got everything off my chest and cannot wait to break my new baby open to start making some goddamn memories!

*note to self: when all other men disappoint you, have cute dreams about you and john krasinski.* [it's strange how lil things like that can make you open your eyes to a smile when the real world seems like it would love to see you cry]

damn, longest post EVERRRRRRRR. sorry.

what's sexy?

trendsetters - you know those guys... they come up with a look, tattoo, hobby, whatever and next thing you know, everyone is doing or has it.
men who use facial moisturizer.
NOT bragging.
goals and ambitions!
Adam's apples.
good custom Nike's... or tees... or hats. 
haute couture boxer-breifs... like Louis Vuitton, Dolce & Gabanna, etc. [hmmm, what else ya got under there??]
smiles - don't kid yourself, women love them.
when you see me and your eyes dilate - yeow.
NATURAL SKIN COLOR [i <3 freckles, not orange].
stud earrings [well if your ears are pierced.]
cologne, cologne, cologne.
clean haircuts [well if you have hair.]
cooking for yourself or others.
teaching me something [like how to use chopsticks].
some body fat - i like a lil belly.
reading. [don't ask me why i find that attractive haha]
watching the game with me & not rooting against my team just because it's my team.
your mom - no really, women love that you love mama. 
Starbucks - if you don't let *slash* don't like me having coffee, this won't last long.
and lastly, accepting my shoe addiction... seriously, this is not going anywhere if you yell at me about that.






I got this idea from the new Allure I received today in the mail. The whole July issue is about "how to make yourself sexy." I live to make lists. And I bet you guys have a shit load about what makes a woman sexy... and since I'm a pretty straight-forward person, I have no trouble about telling you what's hot to me.