quote of the day:

' Aww, Pariasite has to settle for the fat-TER brother. Double ew. '

hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
[i'm sorry josh, but those comments are funn-eh.]

and now on to more news:
hmmm, i think paris banged him too... no wonder he needs a whole stash!

and to the highlight of my day:

woooooooooooooooooo channing. can't wait to see Stop Loss with my girl... maybe she can bring my new BFF too hahaha [more coming after the pix.]





before i talk about meghan... can we talk about those arms? they're so shiny and gorgeous and bada bing. ya know?

ok, so meghan leigh donohue. my BFF. god i hate those internet terms haha [or should i 'LOL']. anyhow, she is positively glowing. not even kidding you. and because of that. i'm positively glowing. she has a crush on this guy she works with. i've heard about him a few times before this but nothing besides how funny he is. all of a sudden, it's how cute he is and how comfortable sher is around him. so after a few weeks, i got to see this boy. his name is keith. he's 19, going to college for business, and his age has nothing to do with it. which is amazing. he's mature and responsible, gets all of his work done ahead of time, respectful, and helpful. that's all i need to know. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch or anything, but i really hopes this one works out. and then... i'll have another BFF hahaha her fave co-workers and i are thinking about taking a trip to canada [so keither can drink hahaha] which i am obviously stoaked about.

as for me, it's been an amazing year so far. my grades might be the best they've ever been. my family is healthy. theres a free simple plan show this thursday at the mall -- my two things favorite things: shopping and canucks. um, the dear and departed is pretty much the loves of my life now. and josh madden likes my eyebows. and avenged sevenfold in 12 days. life is good.

we all knew this was coming...

i hope i'll see you around... eventually.
this is just fuckin silly.
maybe thats all it was... silly.
i will see you again, and 10 bucks says my heart stops again and my breaths shorten and my cheeks get red any my eyes will meet yours and nothing will become of it...
but i'll feel alive and restored to move on.


i think this is the only thing keeping me afloat:

You need not, to climb mountaintops
You need not, to cross the sea
You need not, to find a cure
for everything that makes you weak.

You need not to reach for the stars,
when life becomes so dark
and when the wind
does blow against the grain
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood

when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

If you feel, you paid the price
and your wounds should cease to heal
and everything you love in life,
spins like a winding wheel
if you should wake, to find you're abandoned.
and the road you travel, leads to a dead end

when death creeps in, to play it's part.
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart


no... i am not where i belong. but theres no telling when this could change.

----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - The Girl

i don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours.

for awhile now i've been wanting to do this david hockney-esque idea with my room. but alas not talented enough to do that with a digital camera so i just did it my way. and since i just cleaned it yesterday why not do it now?

first door on the left.














some people have a walk in closet ... i have a sit in closet.





makeup drawer and latest reading materials





i turned meghan's poster into a diptych and if you flip it over, there's the other two norma jean photos


mini-work station





the fragrance section to my lil sephora store








crap i don't want to get dust on / can't fit anywhere else








peace out.

brings new meaning to "my humble abode" no?



[UPDATE]
i just happened to be looking through some old photos of Toronto and "Dear God" came on my playlist and again, no tears, i haven't had a cry in 08... nine days?! that's gotta be some sort of personal record.

merry chris-mas?

that was a portion of my first text of the day from my lovely best friend.

there's been something on my mind. and it just so happens, it has to do with ... well, them.

on one hand, meghan is without a doubt in my mind, the key motivator in my life. maybe that's because i'm in my twenties and everyone says that your friends mean more to you than anyone. could be true. but i've said it before and i'll say it again: she's more than my best friend. she's my sister. she IS my family. and no other person in my family has an impact on me like she does. i've never had the closeness with any other person that i have with her. and i know that when i talk to her about my future, her comments come from the heart and she only has my best intentions in mind.

then, there's the other hand. the striking, blue-eyed, unassuming, inked up hand. the hand that guides my heart. as much as i hate to admit this... i'm kind of straying from that hand. i'm keeping my options open, yes, but that doesn't mean that for one second, that i have let anything slip through my fingers. he is the most addicting thing i have ever encountered. and my life really has changed because of him. everything from music to my friends have evolved around that first time we locked eyes when i was 18. since then, not to many things have made sense - but they all feel aaamazing.

i think i've learned anything throughout this year it's that you have to do what feels good to you because you never know when it will happen again. and for the moment ... he is not what feels good to me. i mean, he is. fuck, when isn't he? his smile is about the only thing that can constantly make me smile the instant i see it. but, i'm keeping my options open. and things are happening that are really attracting me to the opposite sex lately. everything from blushing at j-kras on 'the office', re-reading scap's facebook messages, to giggling at how cute darren's accent is.

maybe it's just because at the moment, i'm more focused on california than toronto. which is where two of the above can be found most of the time. but even still, he lingers in the back. and the common thread there really; yup, even with krasinski. every once and awhile, i cry about him because i feel like i'm losing him up there. but you can't lose something you never had.

if it was suppose to happen, it would have. but yet, maybe the answer is: it will in due time. all good things come in time. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions but TD&D can't stay away forever. shit look at my record with the Cancer Bats, we tried how many times to see those guys? and BOOM we see um like three times in one season. so maybe that will be the day for me and chris. or maybe, just maybe, [and this brings a smile to my face as i'm typing] there will be someone else ... i could say his name ... oh wait, i already did. i don't know how it happened, but oh my god, it hit me like a ton of bricks. the accent, and the eyes, and the freckles, and the smile, holy moses - adorable. i'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket.

there ya go, it is what it is. and yup, guess who is still involved in the middle... but i have to accept the fact that maybe chris is not the final score. maybe he's only the halftime show. there's others who have taken my attention for the moment. i have a feeling that i will always have feelings for him. and perhaps, when i move to where he lives in a few years, this will change. and of course i still have to hit up toronto to see my city<3 and my friends and shopping and amazing shows. but right now, i'm kinda content watching john, watching these blake lewis videos meghan sends me via AIM with chris richardson in them [oh yeah folks, theres chris round three] and checking to see if spook lurked my myspace again hahaha

it's really not so bad ... waiting ... still waiting. hey, it's better than nothing.

two things:

[1]
I don't know if you still think of me, but I always wonder if you do ... I guess either way it wouldn't make a difference since you'll never let go of being the stubborn, close minded human that you are. Sometimes, I wonder if you even know what forgiveness means, the value of it, and will ever realize that if no one forgave you, you wouldn't have a single soul on your side, because you are definitely, for fact, not perfect. It's such a shame to see how you act upon certain situations, and I hope one day you realize how wrong you were. I hope one day you will realize you made a mistake just as much as I did, except the one difference between our errors is that I understand what I did was wrong. You, on the other hand, are convinced that the way you treat me is completely acceptable. In your eyes, you are never, ever wrong, and THAT, is wrong.

[2]
I suppose I should be thinking about the year ahead and trying to establish some sort of "game plan" therein... but to be honest, I know who I am. I know what I love and where I'm going. I'll get there, so it's something I needn't think of anymore. What's on my mind right now... is the unpredictable nature and all around random progression of life. I'm thinking of one person in particular. Perhaps of romance or desire... but of intrigue. To have seen this person only once, some years ago and still find myself intrigued with their perceptions regardless of how they differ from my own. The truth is, they will likely never know of this intrigue as our paths may never cross again, yet it still remains. To this day, I read/see/hear their words and am engaged in ways that I really find myself unable to explain. The plainly evident balance between honesty and portrayal, never straying from one's self... regardless of the cryptic nature of written word at times. These people are few and far between and I must say, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to look away.

So on that note, hold onto those people in whatever form you so choose, sometimes if only from a distance. They are honest and true, they are "reality" in itself. It saved me, once again, from falling in love with a bad idea.

PRO-Canuck:

Is what I am. Toronto is beyond lovely. Even the early-spring snow, wind & rain couldn't hamper my growing enthusiasm for that fine city. I hope to go back as often as possible, to explore and experience as much as I can, though at a warmer, greener time of year. Eventually moving there when I can save enough and once I'm satisfied with my level of education in NY.

It's cliche and predictable but in my experiences it's true -- Canadians are, by and large, much nicer, calmer and more civilized than Americans. Yeah, there are assholes in every country, but as far as I can see, the asshole ratio is much higher here than up there. Every time and everywhere we go, people were relaxed, open, generous. The subway is clean and efficient, the meals we have are as good if not better than any I've had in New York; Chinatown is like Chinatown in NYC (same smells, sights and sounds -- tiny appliance/gift shops squeezed between fish markets and noodle eateries), the student/artist/bohemian neighborhoods are lived-in, worn, tattered, though not as dangerous as the Lower East Side. There's no sense of menace or fear. Smiles are common. People are polite to a fault.

Now, I'm being a bit romantic here. But not by much. And the difference between Them and Us is amplified the second we re-entered the US. We always have a gruff border guard, looking like he's dressed in SWAT attire, mirror shades, loudly barking, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN CANADA?!" Usually makes a disgusted face and nodded us through. Although I will never forget the time me & Meg were pulled over, had her car searched, scared out of our fuckin minds while being completely innocent of anything they were thinking. And the bastards sent us through at about 3am without an apology for searching us for no good reason. Thanks NY. Love you too.
God Bless America, right?!

Anyhow, I spent most of last night just looking at photos of my favorite city. Most of which came at Winter time via Flickr and Google. Here are some of my favorites:

wow

spent 200 bucks in a week.
...and it's only tuesday.
saving for california?
um, not so much.
i suck.

rough. week.

so this past week [november 12th - 16th] has been ludicrously hard on me. started off with an "anniversary" that i was somewhat ok with. i fell in love and was called "a bitch from rochester" haha but that's ok, i'm used to it with him ... but chris, he was the best thing that could have happened to me men-wise. he [without knowing it] helped me get through my eating disorder and restored my faith in myself, not to mention all the great people i have met because of him. but it still made me sad because i can't be where i love, and half of that is near him; but i keep telling myself: soon enough. and there is no rush, i am 21 years old - it's not like i have to marry the man. we got plenty of time.

anyhow, then was the anniversary of another man who helped me without knowing it, who is no longer with us: matt watters. the cutest kid i had ever seen. i can still see him so clearly in my head - piercing blue eyes, always sporting a smile, never had a bad word to say about anybody, charming as anyone you have ever met, and died at the tender age of 18. such a shame. after benj, he was the first guy i had a crush on. and i know that sounds silly but he was the first guy i thought: "well maybe..." about. and now i will never know...which took its toll as well on the 14th.

then i found out via myspace message that in the argument that broke up my ex with his current girlfriend was a screaming match in which he said i was a better fuck ... a little background info here, i have known mike most of my life - our parents are family friends. but dad didn't allow me to date when i was 13, but we did anyhow. and we continued off and on, somewhat not seriously until i was 16/17ish. it was only natural that we did some stuff. but there was never any intercourse ever. and i pride myself on being a virgin like my mother was. now mom held out until her wedding night, i'm unsure if i have the strength to do that but it will definitely be when i'm in a real, serious relationship when it does happen. not to mention, that if my father found out a rumor like that, i would never forgive myself. i realize that dating mike behind his back was wrong but i was 13 gimme a break. plus, mike was gorgeous. even now, not so bad, but especially back in high school when he was more fit haha none of this "upset" me per say but it did piss me off. i am happy to say that he did not receive a nice voicemail from me when i had heard. oh i should also mention that she never knew we dated to begin with - so i was able to be friends with both of them; now i doubt that will happen again.

then the straw that kinda broke my back was yesterday. and this... is so incredibly stupid. i have had this lil thing for a kid in my photo class. and i say kid because he's 19. and normally i don't like younger men but there was something about him... maybe his eyes. he has amazing green eyes; anyhow, he never really had his shit straight. and from the beginning we had good chemistry, and at one point i thought: "i think i might like this guy enough to date him." and, once again, i haven't felt that way about a man from new york since matt. then he misses like three classes since then and his grade really goes into the hole and i thought he withdrew. then last friday, he shows up to lecture. and as soon as he sits down we start talking and there's a huge smile on his face and i'm not gonna lie, it was nice to see him. ok, so this week comes [i have thursday/friday classes so i see him only for about 5 hours a week] and i was pretty sure i wasn't going to see him again. but he showed up. and again a huge smile on his face when he sees me. working in the darkroom, i can see him staring at me out of my peripheries but still i don't say anything. we catch each other going in and out and the most i said was "thank you" when he held the door open for me. well the last time i went out to check on my photos, i see him talking to the professor. the professor tells him he would have to get 100 on everything else we do in class to even get a C in the class and pat said something about his dad not wanting him to withdrawal from the course. so i go back in to do another test strip with the proper aperture this time and when i walk out once again to check my final print, i see him packing up all of his stuff and walking out the door... and then i knew, that was it. and chances are, i will never see him again. so i walk back into my lil quarter of the darkroom to tell my friend kim about it and i just start crying. i think she thought it was because he left but it wasn't well maybe it was part of it. it bothered me that we didn't say anything. and then i compared it to chris... and every time i leave toronto i think i will never see him again. but i can't let that happen between us. yes pat was nice. yes for a moment i thought i could see myself with him. but i never thought of him as chris' competition. to be honest, i don't think anyone ever will. all i know is that i can never, ever, live the rest of my life without chris not knowing who i am. i have to give this a shot. i know if i don't i could lose the most intense feeling of euphoria i have ever experienced. even if it takes 30 years or if we bomb as a couple and have nothing in common or are constantly fighting - it will be better than not having him at all. so that's that. i'm trying to give myself a break from men and that never works.

i've been doing tons of online christmas shopping lately: meg, my mom, dad and myself. i feel i'd probably kill myself if i didn't reward myself every once in awhile because i know no one else will. i also know that me and meg are going to california in june ... i may have mention that a few hundred times haha and dad is even supporting it which is somewhat frightening. so in light of everything, i wanted to make a good purchase for myself this year. it started with shoes [suprise, suprise] then i thought, "these isaac mizrahi ankle boots will be on clearance on dec.26th" ... not to mention a xmas present ;]. then i thought about a new mp3 player, which i really do need. my old one holds only about 100 songs and has two, big cracks in the screen, so i thought iPod. but then i got to thinking about memories. i love my canon rebel, but it's hard to worry about buying film, getting it developed, worrying about prints that i can't make myself. what better way then with a new digital camera. mine still works, but it's pretty ghetto haha i can take pictures, but i can't see them to erase them and i can't zoom in or out so it's pretty much a crap shoot. i am not going to be stuck in california with that piece of shit. so this is what i bought. this is my lil reminder that i have to live life to the fullest. i am in the prime of my life right now. no matter what happens to us after this year, i will always remember all our roadtrips, concerts, men, and now vacations... and this is how i will capture it all:

with everything said and done, it was 92 bucks at best buy. came with free shipping, one year warranty, pouch included. it was 5mp which was better than my old one, had the same zoom as my old one and so much more sleeker and pink! hahah so me. i don't think it was a bad deal for 85 bucks. probably a better investment than those 2 pairs of boots i wanted ... however, you and i both know ... i will have them at some point anyhow. i'm too stubborn not to. if you won't or can't buy it for me, i will do it myself. just how i am. i'm headstrong i know. bottom line, i'm happy as hell now that i got everything off my chest and cannot wait to break my new baby open to start making some goddamn memories!

*note to self: when all other men disappoint you, have cute dreams about you and john krasinski.* [it's strange how lil things like that can make you open your eyes to a smile when the real world seems like it would love to see you cry]

damn, longest post EVERRRRRRRR. sorry.

dear california,

me & meg are coming.
june 2008 baby.
stoaked.

make sure you come see your girls...
we're thinking about staying in glendale - good idea?



----------------
Listening to: 'Lost' ; Avenged Sevenfold.

trouble loves me

hugelyyyyy into moz right now.

i'm having one of those months where every word of every lyric of every song he sings / writes can be compared to me and/or my life. it's strange when you feel that way... but it's also wonderful.

i'm missing a lot of people right now. that's pretty much the only update i got.

speaking of morrissey and updates, i have recently spoken with dan smith via myspace and he told me he was going to be working in toronto from december 16th to the 27th ... perhaps he will give me and meg our matching tattoos? i'm not sure, but i figure we have about a month to decide. i'm sure once it hits wind that he'll be in town he will get booked pretty quick. so i would like to let him know as soon as possible. maybe that will be the perfect christmas gift? i think it would be nice especially since i know in about a year we will probably be in different states and soon after perhaps different countries so it would be great to look down somewhere and have something that reminds me of the bond my sister and i share no matter where we physically are. i'm a sap i guess.

oh and, i gave myself bangs haha
[and yes, thats quite possibility the lamest update ever. apologies to all.]

let it be.

i'm having one of those days ...

one of those days where you doubt yourself and your goals, ambitions, dreams, and realities. i need to just calm my ass down. i owe no one any answers. and i don't have to make up my mind right now, but i still worry. i think i worry too much. or maybe i think too much?

do i move to toronto by myself or move to a place i've never been to with my best friend?
i don't have to answer now.
i know i worry too much.
but both could kill me.

i guess this is where praying comes in. pray that things will go well, that you get what you want, who you want, that your friends and family are healthy and supportive of you and all that you do... but where do prayers end and ambitions/dreams begin?

hope, thats all we can do. that, and learn for our mistakes... some lessons we learn right off the bat. and others have to slap us in the fucking face --- i'm hoping it's not the latter for me [well, at least not this time.]

my private war

i will be 21 in about two months; my sister will be 21 in about one. there's not much that she doesn't know about me. and she knows all my secrets ... except one. there's one that i kept from everyone for awhile. and i'm probably a coward by making this so only a select few can see, but i still don't want everyone to know this about me. it's private and a little too personal. i mean fuck, if my dad knew, he would probably send me to the hospital right now:

bu·li·mi·a
n.  

   1. An eating disorder, common especially among young women of normal or nearly normal weight, that is characterized by episodic binge eating and followed by feelings of guilt, depression, and self-condemnation. It is often associated with measures taken to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, the use of laxatives, dieting, or fasting. Also called bulimarexia, bulimia nervosa.
   2. Excessive or insatiable appetite.

right after i graduated high school i started to become bulimic. it lasted for about a year and a half until there was this guy that i really liked that ended up dying in a car crash from a drunk driver. it was then that i realized how short this life is that we have. it's not like i fell in love with him or anything but he was the first guy that i really kinda felt something for after benji. he was only 18; and til this day, i can't tell you what his middle name was or where he was from but i still think about his smile and the blue of his eyes when i'm walking those halls.

i was ashamed of myself back then and i suppose that's why i never told anyone. i still don't wanna talk about it. but i got through it. by myself. and i think that that was something i had to do by myself. i'm not weak for not telling anyone. and i am strong for getting past it to begin with. but i'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't because of benji. i am over him. and i think that's why i am able to confess it now. i'm past my addictions on all levels; or at least my unhealthy ones. seeing him with all these little twigs are not easy for a girl with hips, thighs and an ass to see. especially when you're trying to get over him. i'm not blaming it all on him. it's not like he put a gun to my head. it's my fault for being weak to start with. for making myself throw up -- and because why? i want to lose some weight? or to have a fucking boyfriend? nope; not that superficial anymore. for the first time, this is me. samantha alma saeva; in the living, breathing flesh.

then at the tail end, there was a man who really put the needle in the coffin for me. at the time, i looked good but i wasn't happy. but him staring at me like that - it made me feel empowered. and it was one of the starts where i kept my food down that whole night. he broke my habit. then once i was ... clean [i guess that will be the word i use] he saw me again and this time i knew a lil about him. he has been around the world - seen all kinds of woman too; has dated models just like that other asshole did and yet, he still wants me. still stares at me. still as gorgeous as he ever was. it was a test i made for myself. i was MYself. my style was mine. my smiles were genuine. i ate with my best friend. i laughed with my best friend. and, i looked fabulous with my best friend. it was the best night of my life.

so there you go meghan. my only deep dark secret that you didn't know. i know that maybe as soon as a year that we could be living in different states and different countries later on even. but i just want you to know that you made me strong. when the whole world was against me, fuck, even when i was against myself. you were there for me... sometimes without even knowing it. and i want you to realize that no matter where in the world we are i will never forget you. you are irreplaceable. and i value your trust more than anything else - ever. anything that i need to conquer within myself has to do with you also. i hope you don't think any less of me because i kept this to myself. i hope you understand and don't get mad at me for it. i feel better already, like there was a weight lifted from my shoulders. i'm ready to take on the world. at 20 going on 30. nothing is stopping me now. not drama, not borders, not men, not money, and not even love.

bring it bitches<3

meggy megson.

people go on through life making and losing friends.
friends are the people you always know are there to have fun, and make you feel good.
BESTFRIENDS are the ones you know that can come to no matter what, and know that they will never turn there backs on you no matter the circumstances.
Lily is one of those people who always push themselves aside, and care for others, no matter what. She always has an open heart, and words that can change your life forever.
she is literally like the best thing thats ever happened to me.
i mean, i've had my fair share of friends before, but shes different.
shes not just my best friend, but shes my sister. my other hip. my guardian. everything; pretty much. Shes the one who helps me get through everything. I mean, God has equally put us through some WHACK ASS shit. and its nearly brought us over the edge, a few times.
BUT...thanks to her, shes the one whose kept me grounded, and focused. and shes the one whose put me to sleep knowing that shes there for me, and shes there no matter what goes on in our lives, and for that i can never repay her. She is always giving me words of wisdom, and shes what keeps me breathing, and living, living life to its fullest and having the confidence to believe in myself.
"TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED"
i can seriously say, that i will never be able to live a life, and repay, and thank her for what shes done. We go through things in life wishing that in the end, there will be a lesson learned. i still have yet to figure all the lessons out [like she always says], but i'm so happy that i have a best friend like her to hold her hand, and ride the roller coaster, were about to go through. we've been through a couple loops, but the big plunge is still a head, and i know shell be there, right by my side ...
when you read this, i want you to know that no matter what happens, you're never alone, cuz ill ALWAYS be here. i love you meghan leigh<3

----------------
Listening to: Atreyu - When Two Are One

finish strong - i love this...

this is for all you people that HAVE to make something out of nothing; those of you that have to label things and ask why why why.
something's don't have answers and some things can't be explained in words.
sometimes, some things just have to be felt.
I love this so much I had to put it as a blog. This is from Matt at Finish Strong:

The best people are right in front of you.

They are not on the road in bands. They work at starbucks. They work at the mall. They sit in front of computers while the sun shines outside. They have done you favors and you have never thanked them. They know you have never thanked them and they still love you. The best people are right in front of you.The best people work for minimum wage. They are not in the spotlight. They dont smile all the time. They cry behind closed doors. They are real people. They are not convenient friends. THEY ARE NOT CONVENIENT FRIENDS. They dont need to hear from you when you find time between reading emails from fans. They are real people that love you for all your faults and weaknesses. And they will be waiting still, when you finally have time for them. The best people are right in front of you. They listen when all you do is talk about yourself. They share a smoothie and just say nothing. They do more for others than they do for themselves, which is why they are not as far ahead as the selfish ego maniacs. The best people dont win awards. The best people arent even up for an award.

They are too busy being the best people. And they dont even know it.

I would like to thank every single one of you for the support you have given us.

And im sorry to have to say this but Finish Strong has NOTHING to do with straight edge or hardcore. AT ALL. So im sorry if people thought that but there is just no way. Way more about peace and love and old country music and jazz and good things in life. NO damn way we are about anything that involves hitting people or beating people up. Strictly non-violence. Strictly non-attitude.

Finish Strong Family .. DEFINITELY NOT TOUGH GUYS.
RESPECT AND SUMMER LOVE.
Scap.

about me:

i'm samantha saeva... but call me sam, please.
since i was 1, my mom has been in a nursing home with multiple sclerosis. which makes me an only child and contrary to popular belief - i don't like it. a little after my mom was admitted permanently, my grandmother died of cancer. so i was raised by my father and grandfather. for most of his life, my grandfather was a farmer and took care of his older brother's horse while i was alive. her name was 'presumed innocent' and she was mainly to race; since my whole family practically are impulsive gamblers but, i loved her to death. my grandpa died when i was 7 and since then, i've basically went from child to adult without much else in the middle. while most girls were playing with barbies, i was watching / playing sports. joe montana was my hero when i was a kid ... not that that means i'm good at any of them. i suck at most of them actually haha but i love to play & the competition anyhow. he chose not to have the open-heart surgery. my grandpa never had much but even back then, i knew that he loved me with all his heart. he just didn't love me more than his wife. love, or maybe its side effects, was always something i had to cope with ironically. my mother went to catholic school and stayed a virgin until she married the love of her life. and my dad was a loud sicilian that never took any shit. and even at that age, i had always thought: 'where did it get everybody?' the only time i've ever rebelled in my life was soon after my papa died. i remember sitting in my mother's closet one day, just crying my eyes out and trying on everything dad kept of hers ... from makeup, shoes, dresses, hats - anything that was in there. and from that day forward: i've been a fashionista. i basically taught myself how to be and act like a woman. ya know, doing my hair and makeup right; i put myself on a clinique skin care regimen at 10 [which later my dad told me that my mom used to do the very same thing]; and got my first pair of heels in grade 5. they were denim wedges, about 4.5 inches high, that i wore with ev-ery-thinggg. until one night i fell flat on my face. i thought i broke my nose, busted my lip, chipped my 2 front teeth - you name it and all i ended up with was a scar on my knee. my pop yelled at me and i obliged him by not wearing them until a week later, when i got right back up on my feet and into those heels again. my summer vacations were spent watching the yankees with my dad, while reading cosmo [good thing pop had no idea what the magazine had in it. and at 11, a girl still blushed at the sex articles of course]. around then, i met my, now current, best friend. i think it was at girl scouts... we bonded over the backstreet boys if i remember correctly. a year later, i had my first trip to toronto that basically changed my life forever. i was able to be independent, but most of all, i was ecstatic. it may be considered another country but it's where i really l i v e my life; where i'm most comfortable in my own skin. i sort of live two lives in most aspects of my life but especially between new york and ontario... and my sister is like the bridge that keeps me from collapsing. meg was right there for the majority of those hogtown trips... and she has turned into the biggest influence in my life. she's not only my best friend; she is my sister, my flesh and blood and my dad loves her like his own. even though i owe her more than i could ever repay, i am so lucky that i have her around to tell me that i can do whatever i want. even if that means moving from this rediciously small town to T.O. [well that is, when my budget allows]. i never had that positive attitude growing up. no one told me that i could do whatever i put my mind to and my heart in. i think she knows that i'm forever in debt to her [and it probably helps that i tell her all the damn time haha]. god has dealt us some equally whack ass shit in our lives and it brought us to the brink of giving up a couple of times but we fought back like motherfucking soldiers. i can safely say that considering the circumstances, we turned into 2 amazing women... i don't want to talk about those poor bastards who broke out hearts when we were 17, but i will say that even though they changed us forever, they never deserved us to begin with and in the end: we ended up on top.
that's all i really know about me & the rest is a still work in progress.

_________________

as for the basics:
--my favorite band is rancid; but i listen to & love pretty much everything like: elvis, jay-z, madball, moz, the rat pack, etc.
--my favorite movie is 'cat on a hot tin roof' starring, my favorites - paul newman & elizabeth taylor [but really, any audrey hepburn and john wayne films need honorable mentions on that list too].
--my favorite book is persuasion by jane austen but i love and i don't want to live this life, written by nancy spungen's mother, just because the reader gets a preview to the soft side of sid vicious.
--the only tv shows i try not to miss are: prison break and rob & big... however i seem to be a fan of sex & the city, everybody loves raymond and frasier re-runs.
--who my heroes are is a pretty easy question to answer: my sister and rob dyer. those two could be the best people i've ever came into contact with. and of course my mother is the strongest person i have ever known. and any thing or trait that may be good within me comes from her.
--i'm currently in college for communications; specifically for public relations.
--i'm a vegetarian.
-- i have one dog: mollie nizzle<3 who i am protective of and spoil rotten.
--i'm pretty much known for my shoes and making good cupcakes, i guess.
--and lastly, i'm single and frik'n hating it.
-- bleedingxdiamond

anything else? just ask - i have no reason to lie; or better yet, just figure it out for yourself ;)

death?

for fourteen fucking years, i've had the same images stuck in my head.
for fourteen years, i still wake up in the dead of night in the summer and see the horse, the stable, the bright red water pump in the backyard.
everything is so clear to me, it's like i'm 6 again.
then i blink and it's gone.
for fourteen years, i have seen the night he died behind my eyelids.
the lights / shadows, sounds / stillness, the pacing of his feet / the tranquility of him.
for fourteen years, i wished i was a child... that i never experienced death or sorrow or pain until i was at least old enough to understand them.

you have no idea why i am the way that i am - and that's my fault. i think about death everyday. it's not some morbid fascination; it's just reality. i know some people can't talk about it without getting choked up but that's not me. the only way i get to see him again is by those thoughts but they also haunt me.
there's no way to have your cake and eat it too.

ever wonder why i'm so stubborn? or why i just can't let somethings [or some people] go?

he's why. he taught me to never give up on what i believe in. he also broke my heart. but i wouldn't have it any other way.

i'd rather remember my grandfather with beauty and pain than be numbed by some bullshit drugs [legal or illegal]. the scariest fear i have is not experiencing life as i want it, not dying. you never hear the shot that kills you. living without ambitions is the real tear-jerker here.

i don't want your pity. i can't stand fake people.
i just want you to know. trying to get into my head is really all i can offer.

all we have is what we perceive. we decide what is real and what isn't. it's all subjective. that's all i'm saying. and you can't judge what i don't confess, so i don't.