i don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours.

for awhile now i've been wanting to do this david hockney-esque idea with my room. but alas not talented enough to do that with a digital camera so i just did it my way. and since i just cleaned it yesterday why not do it now?

first door on the left.














some people have a walk in closet ... i have a sit in closet.





makeup drawer and latest reading materials





i turned meghan's poster into a diptych and if you flip it over, there's the other two norma jean photos


mini-work station





the fragrance section to my lil sephora store








crap i don't want to get dust on / can't fit anywhere else








peace out.

brings new meaning to "my humble abode" no?



[UPDATE]
i just happened to be looking through some old photos of Toronto and "Dear God" came on my playlist and again, no tears, i haven't had a cry in 08... nine days?! that's gotta be some sort of personal record.

and i'll do anything to just feel better. any little thing that just feels better.

my resolution this year is to not worry so much about my past or where i'm going. to live and let live. let it be. let go and let god. hell, there's so many i could go on for days. and it hasn't been that hard. but this is only day three. and i'm haunted with some amazing new songs lately... and most of them have to do with my past. and one of my favorite parts of the past is without a doubt - Christopher. maybe i have grown, because normally i'd be crying for these songs but i find myself smiling and singing along. first one is by my favorite artist: dallas green. yup my favorite artist i said it. no one compares right now - but don't get it twisted with my favorite bands. this is a live video of his latest song: waiting from the new album that drops in february. and the second is lenny kravitz's new song: i'll be waiting. i love lenny because he can do it all. whether he's on a track with pharrell and diddy or if he's just on his guitar - i love him either way; rock or rap.




i wish i had lyrics to these two but i just have lenny's. nonetheless, both make me face the issue i have in my heart and that's him. sometimes i feel like i have to let him go like i did benj. but you know what? i don't want to now. and i never wanted to before. i will wait the rest of my life for him. i will go on and love others i'm sure. but he's it for me. i'm 99% sure of it. maybe we will never get our shit together. maybe we will always be leaving. but no matter what, i'm lucky to have been in his presence. i'm lucky that he even glances at me. and he's lucky that i care... and as it's looking right now, that i will always care.

he gets my thoughts and regards, but i'm not focused on him. and that was another part of my resolution. yes, he makes me happy. but there are plenty of other things that make me happy around here. like concerts with my sister and a full-week vacation planned for the first time since i was 10. and ... and this is gonna make me sound whore-y ... but there's other guys that make me happy too. even in the corny innocent ways, there's still a smile on my face when i hit the pillow. so guess what? it does make me feel better. he's not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere yet. live in just today - oh my god there's another one. this life is not so bad when you just take it one day at a time - ok i have to cut this shit out now.

two things:

[1]
I don't know if you still think of me, but I always wonder if you do ... I guess either way it wouldn't make a difference since you'll never let go of being the stubborn, close minded human that you are. Sometimes, I wonder if you even know what forgiveness means, the value of it, and will ever realize that if no one forgave you, you wouldn't have a single soul on your side, because you are definitely, for fact, not perfect. It's such a shame to see how you act upon certain situations, and I hope one day you realize how wrong you were. I hope one day you will realize you made a mistake just as much as I did, except the one difference between our errors is that I understand what I did was wrong. You, on the other hand, are convinced that the way you treat me is completely acceptable. In your eyes, you are never, ever wrong, and THAT, is wrong.

[2]
I suppose I should be thinking about the year ahead and trying to establish some sort of "game plan" therein... but to be honest, I know who I am. I know what I love and where I'm going. I'll get there, so it's something I needn't think of anymore. What's on my mind right now... is the unpredictable nature and all around random progression of life. I'm thinking of one person in particular. Perhaps of romance or desire... but of intrigue. To have seen this person only once, some years ago and still find myself intrigued with their perceptions regardless of how they differ from my own. The truth is, they will likely never know of this intrigue as our paths may never cross again, yet it still remains. To this day, I read/see/hear their words and am engaged in ways that I really find myself unable to explain. The plainly evident balance between honesty and portrayal, never straying from one's self... regardless of the cryptic nature of written word at times. These people are few and far between and I must say, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to look away.

So on that note, hold onto those people in whatever form you so choose, sometimes if only from a distance. They are honest and true, they are "reality" in itself. It saved me, once again, from falling in love with a bad idea.

PRO-Canuck:

Is what I am. Toronto is beyond lovely. Even the early-spring snow, wind & rain couldn't hamper my growing enthusiasm for that fine city. I hope to go back as often as possible, to explore and experience as much as I can, though at a warmer, greener time of year. Eventually moving there when I can save enough and once I'm satisfied with my level of education in NY.

It's cliche and predictable but in my experiences it's true -- Canadians are, by and large, much nicer, calmer and more civilized than Americans. Yeah, there are assholes in every country, but as far as I can see, the asshole ratio is much higher here than up there. Every time and everywhere we go, people were relaxed, open, generous. The subway is clean and efficient, the meals we have are as good if not better than any I've had in New York; Chinatown is like Chinatown in NYC (same smells, sights and sounds -- tiny appliance/gift shops squeezed between fish markets and noodle eateries), the student/artist/bohemian neighborhoods are lived-in, worn, tattered, though not as dangerous as the Lower East Side. There's no sense of menace or fear. Smiles are common. People are polite to a fault.

Now, I'm being a bit romantic here. But not by much. And the difference between Them and Us is amplified the second we re-entered the US. We always have a gruff border guard, looking like he's dressed in SWAT attire, mirror shades, loudly barking, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN CANADA?!" Usually makes a disgusted face and nodded us through. Although I will never forget the time me & Meg were pulled over, had her car searched, scared out of our fuckin minds while being completely innocent of anything they were thinking. And the bastards sent us through at about 3am without an apology for searching us for no good reason. Thanks NY. Love you too.
God Bless America, right?!

Anyhow, I spent most of last night just looking at photos of my favorite city. Most of which came at Winter time via Flickr and Google. Here are some of my favorites:

rough. week.

so this past week [november 12th - 16th] has been ludicrously hard on me. started off with an "anniversary" that i was somewhat ok with. i fell in love and was called "a bitch from rochester" haha but that's ok, i'm used to it with him ... but chris, he was the best thing that could have happened to me men-wise. he [without knowing it] helped me get through my eating disorder and restored my faith in myself, not to mention all the great people i have met because of him. but it still made me sad because i can't be where i love, and half of that is near him; but i keep telling myself: soon enough. and there is no rush, i am 21 years old - it's not like i have to marry the man. we got plenty of time.

anyhow, then was the anniversary of another man who helped me without knowing it, who is no longer with us: matt watters. the cutest kid i had ever seen. i can still see him so clearly in my head - piercing blue eyes, always sporting a smile, never had a bad word to say about anybody, charming as anyone you have ever met, and died at the tender age of 18. such a shame. after benj, he was the first guy i had a crush on. and i know that sounds silly but he was the first guy i thought: "well maybe..." about. and now i will never know...which took its toll as well on the 14th.

then i found out via myspace message that in the argument that broke up my ex with his current girlfriend was a screaming match in which he said i was a better fuck ... a little background info here, i have known mike most of my life - our parents are family friends. but dad didn't allow me to date when i was 13, but we did anyhow. and we continued off and on, somewhat not seriously until i was 16/17ish. it was only natural that we did some stuff. but there was never any intercourse ever. and i pride myself on being a virgin like my mother was. now mom held out until her wedding night, i'm unsure if i have the strength to do that but it will definitely be when i'm in a real, serious relationship when it does happen. not to mention, that if my father found out a rumor like that, i would never forgive myself. i realize that dating mike behind his back was wrong but i was 13 gimme a break. plus, mike was gorgeous. even now, not so bad, but especially back in high school when he was more fit haha none of this "upset" me per say but it did piss me off. i am happy to say that he did not receive a nice voicemail from me when i had heard. oh i should also mention that she never knew we dated to begin with - so i was able to be friends with both of them; now i doubt that will happen again.

then the straw that kinda broke my back was yesterday. and this... is so incredibly stupid. i have had this lil thing for a kid in my photo class. and i say kid because he's 19. and normally i don't like younger men but there was something about him... maybe his eyes. he has amazing green eyes; anyhow, he never really had his shit straight. and from the beginning we had good chemistry, and at one point i thought: "i think i might like this guy enough to date him." and, once again, i haven't felt that way about a man from new york since matt. then he misses like three classes since then and his grade really goes into the hole and i thought he withdrew. then last friday, he shows up to lecture. and as soon as he sits down we start talking and there's a huge smile on his face and i'm not gonna lie, it was nice to see him. ok, so this week comes [i have thursday/friday classes so i see him only for about 5 hours a week] and i was pretty sure i wasn't going to see him again. but he showed up. and again a huge smile on his face when he sees me. working in the darkroom, i can see him staring at me out of my peripheries but still i don't say anything. we catch each other going in and out and the most i said was "thank you" when he held the door open for me. well the last time i went out to check on my photos, i see him talking to the professor. the professor tells him he would have to get 100 on everything else we do in class to even get a C in the class and pat said something about his dad not wanting him to withdrawal from the course. so i go back in to do another test strip with the proper aperture this time and when i walk out once again to check my final print, i see him packing up all of his stuff and walking out the door... and then i knew, that was it. and chances are, i will never see him again. so i walk back into my lil quarter of the darkroom to tell my friend kim about it and i just start crying. i think she thought it was because he left but it wasn't well maybe it was part of it. it bothered me that we didn't say anything. and then i compared it to chris... and every time i leave toronto i think i will never see him again. but i can't let that happen between us. yes pat was nice. yes for a moment i thought i could see myself with him. but i never thought of him as chris' competition. to be honest, i don't think anyone ever will. all i know is that i can never, ever, live the rest of my life without chris not knowing who i am. i have to give this a shot. i know if i don't i could lose the most intense feeling of euphoria i have ever experienced. even if it takes 30 years or if we bomb as a couple and have nothing in common or are constantly fighting - it will be better than not having him at all. so that's that. i'm trying to give myself a break from men and that never works.

i've been doing tons of online christmas shopping lately: meg, my mom, dad and myself. i feel i'd probably kill myself if i didn't reward myself every once in awhile because i know no one else will. i also know that me and meg are going to california in june ... i may have mention that a few hundred times haha and dad is even supporting it which is somewhat frightening. so in light of everything, i wanted to make a good purchase for myself this year. it started with shoes [suprise, suprise] then i thought, "these isaac mizrahi ankle boots will be on clearance on dec.26th" ... not to mention a xmas present ;]. then i thought about a new mp3 player, which i really do need. my old one holds only about 100 songs and has two, big cracks in the screen, so i thought iPod. but then i got to thinking about memories. i love my canon rebel, but it's hard to worry about buying film, getting it developed, worrying about prints that i can't make myself. what better way then with a new digital camera. mine still works, but it's pretty ghetto haha i can take pictures, but i can't see them to erase them and i can't zoom in or out so it's pretty much a crap shoot. i am not going to be stuck in california with that piece of shit. so this is what i bought. this is my lil reminder that i have to live life to the fullest. i am in the prime of my life right now. no matter what happens to us after this year, i will always remember all our roadtrips, concerts, men, and now vacations... and this is how i will capture it all:

with everything said and done, it was 92 bucks at best buy. came with free shipping, one year warranty, pouch included. it was 5mp which was better than my old one, had the same zoom as my old one and so much more sleeker and pink! hahah so me. i don't think it was a bad deal for 85 bucks. probably a better investment than those 2 pairs of boots i wanted ... however, you and i both know ... i will have them at some point anyhow. i'm too stubborn not to. if you won't or can't buy it for me, i will do it myself. just how i am. i'm headstrong i know. bottom line, i'm happy as hell now that i got everything off my chest and cannot wait to break my new baby open to start making some goddamn memories!

*note to self: when all other men disappoint you, have cute dreams about you and john krasinski.* [it's strange how lil things like that can make you open your eyes to a smile when the real world seems like it would love to see you cry]

damn, longest post EVERRRRRRRR. sorry.

let it be.

i'm having one of those days ...

one of those days where you doubt yourself and your goals, ambitions, dreams, and realities. i need to just calm my ass down. i owe no one any answers. and i don't have to make up my mind right now, but i still worry. i think i worry too much. or maybe i think too much?

do i move to toronto by myself or move to a place i've never been to with my best friend?
i don't have to answer now.
i know i worry too much.
but both could kill me.

i guess this is where praying comes in. pray that things will go well, that you get what you want, who you want, that your friends and family are healthy and supportive of you and all that you do... but where do prayers end and ambitions/dreams begin?

hope, thats all we can do. that, and learn for our mistakes... some lessons we learn right off the bat. and others have to slap us in the fucking face --- i'm hoping it's not the latter for me [well, at least not this time.]

my mom

always loved elton john.
in fact, her wedding song was "your song" by him and i cry every time i hear it.
but nonetheless, i was named after her favorite tv show character: 'samantha stephens' from bewitched.
the song is "Lady Samantha", written and performed by elton john.
i can not tell you how many times my life has came down to a coincidence like this.
however, i can not express how appropriate these song lyrics are:

When the shrill winds are screaming
And the evening is still
Lady Samantha glides over the hill
In a long satin dress that she wears every day
Her home is the hillside, her bed is the grave
Lady Samantha glides like a tiger
Over the hills with no one beside her
No one comes near
They all live in fear
But Lady Samantha, she sheds only tears
The tales that I told round the fire every night
Are out of proportion and none of them right
She is harmless and empty of anything bad
For she once had something that most of you have

my private war

i will be 21 in about two months; my sister will be 21 in about one. there's not much that she doesn't know about me. and she knows all my secrets ... except one. there's one that i kept from everyone for awhile. and i'm probably a coward by making this so only a select few can see, but i still don't want everyone to know this about me. it's private and a little too personal. i mean fuck, if my dad knew, he would probably send me to the hospital right now:

bu·li·mi·a
n.  

   1. An eating disorder, common especially among young women of normal or nearly normal weight, that is characterized by episodic binge eating and followed by feelings of guilt, depression, and self-condemnation. It is often associated with measures taken to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, the use of laxatives, dieting, or fasting. Also called bulimarexia, bulimia nervosa.
   2. Excessive or insatiable appetite.

right after i graduated high school i started to become bulimic. it lasted for about a year and a half until there was this guy that i really liked that ended up dying in a car crash from a drunk driver. it was then that i realized how short this life is that we have. it's not like i fell in love with him or anything but he was the first guy that i really kinda felt something for after benji. he was only 18; and til this day, i can't tell you what his middle name was or where he was from but i still think about his smile and the blue of his eyes when i'm walking those halls.

i was ashamed of myself back then and i suppose that's why i never told anyone. i still don't wanna talk about it. but i got through it. by myself. and i think that that was something i had to do by myself. i'm not weak for not telling anyone. and i am strong for getting past it to begin with. but i'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't because of benji. i am over him. and i think that's why i am able to confess it now. i'm past my addictions on all levels; or at least my unhealthy ones. seeing him with all these little twigs are not easy for a girl with hips, thighs and an ass to see. especially when you're trying to get over him. i'm not blaming it all on him. it's not like he put a gun to my head. it's my fault for being weak to start with. for making myself throw up -- and because why? i want to lose some weight? or to have a fucking boyfriend? nope; not that superficial anymore. for the first time, this is me. samantha alma saeva; in the living, breathing flesh.

then at the tail end, there was a man who really put the needle in the coffin for me. at the time, i looked good but i wasn't happy. but him staring at me like that - it made me feel empowered. and it was one of the starts where i kept my food down that whole night. he broke my habit. then once i was ... clean [i guess that will be the word i use] he saw me again and this time i knew a lil about him. he has been around the world - seen all kinds of woman too; has dated models just like that other asshole did and yet, he still wants me. still stares at me. still as gorgeous as he ever was. it was a test i made for myself. i was MYself. my style was mine. my smiles were genuine. i ate with my best friend. i laughed with my best friend. and, i looked fabulous with my best friend. it was the best night of my life.

so there you go meghan. my only deep dark secret that you didn't know. i know that maybe as soon as a year that we could be living in different states and different countries later on even. but i just want you to know that you made me strong. when the whole world was against me, fuck, even when i was against myself. you were there for me... sometimes without even knowing it. and i want you to realize that no matter where in the world we are i will never forget you. you are irreplaceable. and i value your trust more than anything else - ever. anything that i need to conquer within myself has to do with you also. i hope you don't think any less of me because i kept this to myself. i hope you understand and don't get mad at me for it. i feel better already, like there was a weight lifted from my shoulders. i'm ready to take on the world. at 20 going on 30. nothing is stopping me now. not drama, not borders, not men, not money, and not even love.

bring it bitches<3

about me:

i'm samantha saeva... but call me sam, please.
since i was 1, my mom has been in a nursing home with multiple sclerosis. which makes me an only child and contrary to popular belief - i don't like it. a little after my mom was admitted permanently, my grandmother died of cancer. so i was raised by my father and grandfather. for most of his life, my grandfather was a farmer and took care of his older brother's horse while i was alive. her name was 'presumed innocent' and she was mainly to race; since my whole family practically are impulsive gamblers but, i loved her to death. my grandpa died when i was 7 and since then, i've basically went from child to adult without much else in the middle. while most girls were playing with barbies, i was watching / playing sports. joe montana was my hero when i was a kid ... not that that means i'm good at any of them. i suck at most of them actually haha but i love to play & the competition anyhow. he chose not to have the open-heart surgery. my grandpa never had much but even back then, i knew that he loved me with all his heart. he just didn't love me more than his wife. love, or maybe its side effects, was always something i had to cope with ironically. my mother went to catholic school and stayed a virgin until she married the love of her life. and my dad was a loud sicilian that never took any shit. and even at that age, i had always thought: 'where did it get everybody?' the only time i've ever rebelled in my life was soon after my papa died. i remember sitting in my mother's closet one day, just crying my eyes out and trying on everything dad kept of hers ... from makeup, shoes, dresses, hats - anything that was in there. and from that day forward: i've been a fashionista. i basically taught myself how to be and act like a woman. ya know, doing my hair and makeup right; i put myself on a clinique skin care regimen at 10 [which later my dad told me that my mom used to do the very same thing]; and got my first pair of heels in grade 5. they were denim wedges, about 4.5 inches high, that i wore with ev-ery-thinggg. until one night i fell flat on my face. i thought i broke my nose, busted my lip, chipped my 2 front teeth - you name it and all i ended up with was a scar on my knee. my pop yelled at me and i obliged him by not wearing them until a week later, when i got right back up on my feet and into those heels again. my summer vacations were spent watching the yankees with my dad, while reading cosmo [good thing pop had no idea what the magazine had in it. and at 11, a girl still blushed at the sex articles of course]. around then, i met my, now current, best friend. i think it was at girl scouts... we bonded over the backstreet boys if i remember correctly. a year later, i had my first trip to toronto that basically changed my life forever. i was able to be independent, but most of all, i was ecstatic. it may be considered another country but it's where i really l i v e my life; where i'm most comfortable in my own skin. i sort of live two lives in most aspects of my life but especially between new york and ontario... and my sister is like the bridge that keeps me from collapsing. meg was right there for the majority of those hogtown trips... and she has turned into the biggest influence in my life. she's not only my best friend; she is my sister, my flesh and blood and my dad loves her like his own. even though i owe her more than i could ever repay, i am so lucky that i have her around to tell me that i can do whatever i want. even if that means moving from this rediciously small town to T.O. [well that is, when my budget allows]. i never had that positive attitude growing up. no one told me that i could do whatever i put my mind to and my heart in. i think she knows that i'm forever in debt to her [and it probably helps that i tell her all the damn time haha]. god has dealt us some equally whack ass shit in our lives and it brought us to the brink of giving up a couple of times but we fought back like motherfucking soldiers. i can safely say that considering the circumstances, we turned into 2 amazing women... i don't want to talk about those poor bastards who broke out hearts when we were 17, but i will say that even though they changed us forever, they never deserved us to begin with and in the end: we ended up on top.
that's all i really know about me & the rest is a still work in progress.

_________________

as for the basics:
--my favorite band is rancid; but i listen to & love pretty much everything like: elvis, jay-z, madball, moz, the rat pack, etc.
--my favorite movie is 'cat on a hot tin roof' starring, my favorites - paul newman & elizabeth taylor [but really, any audrey hepburn and john wayne films need honorable mentions on that list too].
--my favorite book is persuasion by jane austen but i love and i don't want to live this life, written by nancy spungen's mother, just because the reader gets a preview to the soft side of sid vicious.
--the only tv shows i try not to miss are: prison break and rob & big... however i seem to be a fan of sex & the city, everybody loves raymond and frasier re-runs.
--who my heroes are is a pretty easy question to answer: my sister and rob dyer. those two could be the best people i've ever came into contact with. and of course my mother is the strongest person i have ever known. and any thing or trait that may be good within me comes from her.
--i'm currently in college for communications; specifically for public relations.
--i'm a vegetarian.
-- i have one dog: mollie nizzle<3 who i am protective of and spoil rotten.
--i'm pretty much known for my shoes and making good cupcakes, i guess.
--and lastly, i'm single and frik'n hating it.
-- bleedingxdiamond

anything else? just ask - i have no reason to lie; or better yet, just figure it out for yourself ;)