merry chris-mas?

that was a portion of my first text of the day from my lovely best friend.

there's been something on my mind. and it just so happens, it has to do with ... well, them.

on one hand, meghan is without a doubt in my mind, the key motivator in my life. maybe that's because i'm in my twenties and everyone says that your friends mean more to you than anyone. could be true. but i've said it before and i'll say it again: she's more than my best friend. she's my sister. she IS my family. and no other person in my family has an impact on me like she does. i've never had the closeness with any other person that i have with her. and i know that when i talk to her about my future, her comments come from the heart and she only has my best intentions in mind.

then, there's the other hand. the striking, blue-eyed, unassuming, inked up hand. the hand that guides my heart. as much as i hate to admit this... i'm kind of straying from that hand. i'm keeping my options open, yes, but that doesn't mean that for one second, that i have let anything slip through my fingers. he is the most addicting thing i have ever encountered. and my life really has changed because of him. everything from music to my friends have evolved around that first time we locked eyes when i was 18. since then, not to many things have made sense - but they all feel aaamazing.

i think i've learned anything throughout this year it's that you have to do what feels good to you because you never know when it will happen again. and for the moment ... he is not what feels good to me. i mean, he is. fuck, when isn't he? his smile is about the only thing that can constantly make me smile the instant i see it. but, i'm keeping my options open. and things are happening that are really attracting me to the opposite sex lately. everything from blushing at j-kras on 'the office', re-reading scap's facebook messages, to giggling at how cute darren's accent is.

maybe it's just because at the moment, i'm more focused on california than toronto. which is where two of the above can be found most of the time. but even still, he lingers in the back. and the common thread there really; yup, even with krasinski. every once and awhile, i cry about him because i feel like i'm losing him up there. but you can't lose something you never had.

if it was suppose to happen, it would have. but yet, maybe the answer is: it will in due time. all good things come in time. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions but TD&D can't stay away forever. shit look at my record with the Cancer Bats, we tried how many times to see those guys? and BOOM we see um like three times in one season. so maybe that will be the day for me and chris. or maybe, just maybe, [and this brings a smile to my face as i'm typing] there will be someone else ... i could say his name ... oh wait, i already did. i don't know how it happened, but oh my god, it hit me like a ton of bricks. the accent, and the eyes, and the freckles, and the smile, holy moses - adorable. i'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket.

there ya go, it is what it is. and yup, guess who is still involved in the middle... but i have to accept the fact that maybe chris is not the final score. maybe he's only the halftime show. there's others who have taken my attention for the moment. i have a feeling that i will always have feelings for him. and perhaps, when i move to where he lives in a few years, this will change. and of course i still have to hit up toronto to see my city<3 and my friends and shopping and amazing shows. but right now, i'm kinda content watching john, watching these blake lewis videos meghan sends me via AIM with chris richardson in them [oh yeah folks, theres chris round three] and checking to see if spook lurked my myspace again hahaha

it's really not so bad ... waiting ... still waiting. hey, it's better than nothing.

buh-bye.

peace out 07 - you kinda sucked.


*stolen from Scoeby*
[these are just my opinions. don't like it? i don't care.] :)


Top 5 Bands of 2007:
1. The Dear & Departed [so proud of these guys!]
2. Avenged Sevenfold [amazing album.]
3. Atreyu
4. Black Audio
5. Tiger Army

Top 5 Singers/Rappers of 2007:
1. Jay-Z
2. Kayne
3. Blake Lewis [blame meghan haha]
4. Sara Bareilles
5. Mandy Moore [i really loved her album this year.]

Top 5 Albums of 2007:
1. The Dear & Departed - Something Quite Peculiar
2. Avenged Sevenfold [s/t]
3. Silverstein - Arrivals & Departures
4. Kayne West - Graduation
5. Atreyu - Lead Sails; Paper Anchor

Top 5 Songs of 2007:
1. I Will Love Again - The Dear & Departed
2. 1234 - Feist
3. Back In Your Head - Tegan and Sara
4. A Little Piece of Heaven - Avenged Sevenfold
5. Turn Me On - The Shins

Top 5 Shows of 2007:
1. Taste Of Chaos - Toronto
2. Bleeding Through / Cancer Bats - Toronto
3. Atreyu - Buffalo
4. Silverstein - Rochester
5. Good ... hahahahaha oh, who am I kidding.

Top 5 Movies of 2007:
1. We Own The Night
2. Alpha Dog
3. Primeval
4. Chuck and Larry
5. License to Wed [hahaha shut up]

Top 5 TV Shows of 2007:
1. The Office
2. Prison Break
3. Rob & Big
4. -
5. -

Top 5 Memories of 2007:
1. Toronto/Niagara Falls with Sam & Meg in March
2. Seeing my Hogtown girls again<3 & meeting Alicia in June
3. Our NY Border drug search after the S4C party in April [hahaha horrifying]
4. Painting my room this summer with Megson
5. Seeing Joel again; it was brief but it meant more to me than I'd like to admit.

Top 5 Things that were awesome in 2007:
1. my relationship with pop improving
2. replacements!
3. being legal for the first time in my life.
4. hearing that people admire me - didn't know strangers gave a crap about me haha
5. my cancer bats taking over the world; i'm so happy for them & their success.

Top 5 Things that were bad in 2007:
1. dad almost dying
2. mum's seizures landing her in the ER
3. car getting totaled
4. failing my driver's test - fuck parallel parking
5. american borders

Best purchase in 2007:
- new hard drive

Top 5 New People of 2007:
1. Robbie Dyer
2. Samantha Mooney
3. Scap
4. Kim Van Dam
5. Anthony - :( i miss this one.

Top 5 Things you wish for / look forward to in 2008:
1. CALIFORNIA! with my bestie<3
2. avenged fucking sevenfold - haven't seen them since the summer before city of evil was released
3. seeing the dear and departed; please please please someone let this happen!
4. transferring to RIT
5. a boyfriend ... wow that sounds pathetic, but i'm being honest.

Top 5 Albums you're stoked on for in 2008:
1. city & colour!
2. RANCID
3. the bats
4. h2o
5. chris rich - who knew?!


Overall Rating of 2007 (1-10):
- 5/10 [ horrible year for me. lots of hard times, that outweighed the good :/ only decent part was that there weren't many funerals i had to attend.]

two things:

[1]
I don't know if you still think of me, but I always wonder if you do ... I guess either way it wouldn't make a difference since you'll never let go of being the stubborn, close minded human that you are. Sometimes, I wonder if you even know what forgiveness means, the value of it, and will ever realize that if no one forgave you, you wouldn't have a single soul on your side, because you are definitely, for fact, not perfect. It's such a shame to see how you act upon certain situations, and I hope one day you realize how wrong you were. I hope one day you will realize you made a mistake just as much as I did, except the one difference between our errors is that I understand what I did was wrong. You, on the other hand, are convinced that the way you treat me is completely acceptable. In your eyes, you are never, ever wrong, and THAT, is wrong.

[2]
I suppose I should be thinking about the year ahead and trying to establish some sort of "game plan" therein... but to be honest, I know who I am. I know what I love and where I'm going. I'll get there, so it's something I needn't think of anymore. What's on my mind right now... is the unpredictable nature and all around random progression of life. I'm thinking of one person in particular. Perhaps of romance or desire... but of intrigue. To have seen this person only once, some years ago and still find myself intrigued with their perceptions regardless of how they differ from my own. The truth is, they will likely never know of this intrigue as our paths may never cross again, yet it still remains. To this day, I read/see/hear their words and am engaged in ways that I really find myself unable to explain. The plainly evident balance between honesty and portrayal, never straying from one's self... regardless of the cryptic nature of written word at times. These people are few and far between and I must say, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to look away.

So on that note, hold onto those people in whatever form you so choose, sometimes if only from a distance. They are honest and true, they are "reality" in itself. It saved me, once again, from falling in love with a bad idea.

rough. week.

so this past week [november 12th - 16th] has been ludicrously hard on me. started off with an "anniversary" that i was somewhat ok with. i fell in love and was called "a bitch from rochester" haha but that's ok, i'm used to it with him ... but chris, he was the best thing that could have happened to me men-wise. he [without knowing it] helped me get through my eating disorder and restored my faith in myself, not to mention all the great people i have met because of him. but it still made me sad because i can't be where i love, and half of that is near him; but i keep telling myself: soon enough. and there is no rush, i am 21 years old - it's not like i have to marry the man. we got plenty of time.

anyhow, then was the anniversary of another man who helped me without knowing it, who is no longer with us: matt watters. the cutest kid i had ever seen. i can still see him so clearly in my head - piercing blue eyes, always sporting a smile, never had a bad word to say about anybody, charming as anyone you have ever met, and died at the tender age of 18. such a shame. after benj, he was the first guy i had a crush on. and i know that sounds silly but he was the first guy i thought: "well maybe..." about. and now i will never know...which took its toll as well on the 14th.

then i found out via myspace message that in the argument that broke up my ex with his current girlfriend was a screaming match in which he said i was a better fuck ... a little background info here, i have known mike most of my life - our parents are family friends. but dad didn't allow me to date when i was 13, but we did anyhow. and we continued off and on, somewhat not seriously until i was 16/17ish. it was only natural that we did some stuff. but there was never any intercourse ever. and i pride myself on being a virgin like my mother was. now mom held out until her wedding night, i'm unsure if i have the strength to do that but it will definitely be when i'm in a real, serious relationship when it does happen. not to mention, that if my father found out a rumor like that, i would never forgive myself. i realize that dating mike behind his back was wrong but i was 13 gimme a break. plus, mike was gorgeous. even now, not so bad, but especially back in high school when he was more fit haha none of this "upset" me per say but it did piss me off. i am happy to say that he did not receive a nice voicemail from me when i had heard. oh i should also mention that she never knew we dated to begin with - so i was able to be friends with both of them; now i doubt that will happen again.

then the straw that kinda broke my back was yesterday. and this... is so incredibly stupid. i have had this lil thing for a kid in my photo class. and i say kid because he's 19. and normally i don't like younger men but there was something about him... maybe his eyes. he has amazing green eyes; anyhow, he never really had his shit straight. and from the beginning we had good chemistry, and at one point i thought: "i think i might like this guy enough to date him." and, once again, i haven't felt that way about a man from new york since matt. then he misses like three classes since then and his grade really goes into the hole and i thought he withdrew. then last friday, he shows up to lecture. and as soon as he sits down we start talking and there's a huge smile on his face and i'm not gonna lie, it was nice to see him. ok, so this week comes [i have thursday/friday classes so i see him only for about 5 hours a week] and i was pretty sure i wasn't going to see him again. but he showed up. and again a huge smile on his face when he sees me. working in the darkroom, i can see him staring at me out of my peripheries but still i don't say anything. we catch each other going in and out and the most i said was "thank you" when he held the door open for me. well the last time i went out to check on my photos, i see him talking to the professor. the professor tells him he would have to get 100 on everything else we do in class to even get a C in the class and pat said something about his dad not wanting him to withdrawal from the course. so i go back in to do another test strip with the proper aperture this time and when i walk out once again to check my final print, i see him packing up all of his stuff and walking out the door... and then i knew, that was it. and chances are, i will never see him again. so i walk back into my lil quarter of the darkroom to tell my friend kim about it and i just start crying. i think she thought it was because he left but it wasn't well maybe it was part of it. it bothered me that we didn't say anything. and then i compared it to chris... and every time i leave toronto i think i will never see him again. but i can't let that happen between us. yes pat was nice. yes for a moment i thought i could see myself with him. but i never thought of him as chris' competition. to be honest, i don't think anyone ever will. all i know is that i can never, ever, live the rest of my life without chris not knowing who i am. i have to give this a shot. i know if i don't i could lose the most intense feeling of euphoria i have ever experienced. even if it takes 30 years or if we bomb as a couple and have nothing in common or are constantly fighting - it will be better than not having him at all. so that's that. i'm trying to give myself a break from men and that never works.

i've been doing tons of online christmas shopping lately: meg, my mom, dad and myself. i feel i'd probably kill myself if i didn't reward myself every once in awhile because i know no one else will. i also know that me and meg are going to california in june ... i may have mention that a few hundred times haha and dad is even supporting it which is somewhat frightening. so in light of everything, i wanted to make a good purchase for myself this year. it started with shoes [suprise, suprise] then i thought, "these isaac mizrahi ankle boots will be on clearance on dec.26th" ... not to mention a xmas present ;]. then i thought about a new mp3 player, which i really do need. my old one holds only about 100 songs and has two, big cracks in the screen, so i thought iPod. but then i got to thinking about memories. i love my canon rebel, but it's hard to worry about buying film, getting it developed, worrying about prints that i can't make myself. what better way then with a new digital camera. mine still works, but it's pretty ghetto haha i can take pictures, but i can't see them to erase them and i can't zoom in or out so it's pretty much a crap shoot. i am not going to be stuck in california with that piece of shit. so this is what i bought. this is my lil reminder that i have to live life to the fullest. i am in the prime of my life right now. no matter what happens to us after this year, i will always remember all our roadtrips, concerts, men, and now vacations... and this is how i will capture it all:

with everything said and done, it was 92 bucks at best buy. came with free shipping, one year warranty, pouch included. it was 5mp which was better than my old one, had the same zoom as my old one and so much more sleeker and pink! hahah so me. i don't think it was a bad deal for 85 bucks. probably a better investment than those 2 pairs of boots i wanted ... however, you and i both know ... i will have them at some point anyhow. i'm too stubborn not to. if you won't or can't buy it for me, i will do it myself. just how i am. i'm headstrong i know. bottom line, i'm happy as hell now that i got everything off my chest and cannot wait to break my new baby open to start making some goddamn memories!

*note to self: when all other men disappoint you, have cute dreams about you and john krasinski.* [it's strange how lil things like that can make you open your eyes to a smile when the real world seems like it would love to see you cry]

damn, longest post EVERRRRRRRR. sorry.

dear california,

me & meg are coming.
june 2008 baby.
stoaked.

make sure you come see your girls...
we're thinking about staying in glendale - good idea?



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Listening to: 'Lost' ; Avenged Sevenfold.

let it be.

i'm having one of those days ...

one of those days where you doubt yourself and your goals, ambitions, dreams, and realities. i need to just calm my ass down. i owe no one any answers. and i don't have to make up my mind right now, but i still worry. i think i worry too much. or maybe i think too much?

do i move to toronto by myself or move to a place i've never been to with my best friend?
i don't have to answer now.
i know i worry too much.
but both could kill me.

i guess this is where praying comes in. pray that things will go well, that you get what you want, who you want, that your friends and family are healthy and supportive of you and all that you do... but where do prayers end and ambitions/dreams begin?

hope, thats all we can do. that, and learn for our mistakes... some lessons we learn right off the bat. and others have to slap us in the fucking face --- i'm hoping it's not the latter for me [well, at least not this time.]

everyday feels like Sunday

i have so much work to do but since my Steelers are on i guess that i'll finish it after the game.
my weekend has been pretty shitty and filled with tea, toilet paper, cough drops, meds and trying to sleep. i got the sniffles late friday night and by saturday morning it turned into a full fledged cold... in fact, it's one of the worst i've had in awhile. i usually don't get sick very often so i'm chalking it up to being stress related [well mostly]. i've had a lot on my plate lately - both good and bad. between my best friend turning 21, starting school, scheduling my driver's test, learning how to parallel park, getting called in for jury duty, getting photo [& lady] supplies, doing laundry, cleaning and cooking, it's a lot to take in. but i love being busy. it keeps me on my toes. even now, i'm still sick but i'm multi-tasking at the same time.
next week is a pretty big week, i have my first photo assignment due and my first business test [not looking forward to that] however, it brightens up during the middle when i get to see atreyu with my best friend on wednesday in buffalo - which i told her i would take her out to dinner after and more than likely i'll end up sleeping over her house, since there are four bands, an hour drive and with dinner, it will probably be about midnight i figure... at least i don't have class until 11 the next morning so i'll be able to sleep in somewhat which i always love. then the next day i will have three hours of photo lab. with this cute new guy. i'm not dropping names, hints or anything here - i'm over it all. i just like looking at him and listening to him sing daughtry; that is all i'm gonna say about that.

i will be 21 in EXACTLY one month; holy shit!
and what am i going to do???? i have no idea.
i suppose i got some time to think about it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGHAN!

YOU BETTER COMMENT MY BEST FRIEND AND TELL HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY CUZ YOU CAN NOT DEAL WITH A SICILIAN N'YAWKER BEATDOWN
ps- and she's pretty much a babe; so dudes feel free to hit on her - she's single.

there are faces i'll remember all my life

it's a really weird thing to miss faces... it could be very superficial; doesn't mean you know all the people behind them. maybe you just miss a smile, or a frown, their eye color, or a look - or maybe you've gotten close enough to recall their hugs, laugh or smell. it's funny how such small, meaningless things can be associated with their face.
i miss all of their faces. some of them i "know". some of them i've never met. but i have seen all of them in person at least once and i even have reoccurring dreams about some of them. i keep getting that Beatles song stuck in my head when i think about them -- their faces or their names. there must be a reason for that.
or maybe i just want there to be one... sometimes the hardest thing to figure out is your own damn mind; why people are the way they are; and why you can't help yourself but to love them [whether it be for good or bad].
i miss you all.

meggy megson.

people go on through life making and losing friends.
friends are the people you always know are there to have fun, and make you feel good.
BESTFRIENDS are the ones you know that can come to no matter what, and know that they will never turn there backs on you no matter the circumstances.
Lily is one of those people who always push themselves aside, and care for others, no matter what. She always has an open heart, and words that can change your life forever.
she is literally like the best thing thats ever happened to me.
i mean, i've had my fair share of friends before, but shes different.
shes not just my best friend, but shes my sister. my other hip. my guardian. everything; pretty much. Shes the one who helps me get through everything. I mean, God has equally put us through some WHACK ASS shit. and its nearly brought us over the edge, a few times.
BUT...thanks to her, shes the one whose kept me grounded, and focused. and shes the one whose put me to sleep knowing that shes there for me, and shes there no matter what goes on in our lives, and for that i can never repay her. She is always giving me words of wisdom, and shes what keeps me breathing, and living, living life to its fullest and having the confidence to believe in myself.
"TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED"
i can seriously say, that i will never be able to live a life, and repay, and thank her for what shes done. We go through things in life wishing that in the end, there will be a lesson learned. i still have yet to figure all the lessons out [like she always says], but i'm so happy that i have a best friend like her to hold her hand, and ride the roller coaster, were about to go through. we've been through a couple loops, but the big plunge is still a head, and i know shell be there, right by my side ...
when you read this, i want you to know that no matter what happens, you're never alone, cuz ill ALWAYS be here. i love you meghan leigh<3

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Listening to: Atreyu - When Two Are One