quote of the day:

' Aww, Pariasite has to settle for the fat-TER brother. Double ew. '

hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
[i'm sorry josh, but those comments are funn-eh.]

and now on to more news:
hmmm, i think paris banged him too... no wonder he needs a whole stash!

and to the highlight of my day:

woooooooooooooooooo channing. can't wait to see Stop Loss with my girl... maybe she can bring my new BFF too hahaha [more coming after the pix.]





before i talk about meghan... can we talk about those arms? they're so shiny and gorgeous and bada bing. ya know?

ok, so meghan leigh donohue. my BFF. god i hate those internet terms haha [or should i 'LOL']. anyhow, she is positively glowing. not even kidding you. and because of that. i'm positively glowing. she has a crush on this guy she works with. i've heard about him a few times before this but nothing besides how funny he is. all of a sudden, it's how cute he is and how comfortable sher is around him. so after a few weeks, i got to see this boy. his name is keith. he's 19, going to college for business, and his age has nothing to do with it. which is amazing. he's mature and responsible, gets all of his work done ahead of time, respectful, and helpful. that's all i need to know. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch or anything, but i really hopes this one works out. and then... i'll have another BFF hahaha her fave co-workers and i are thinking about taking a trip to canada [so keither can drink hahaha] which i am obviously stoaked about.

as for me, it's been an amazing year so far. my grades might be the best they've ever been. my family is healthy. theres a free simple plan show this thursday at the mall -- my two things favorite things: shopping and canucks. um, the dear and departed is pretty much the loves of my life now. and josh madden likes my eyebows. and avenged sevenfold in 12 days. life is good.

we all knew this was coming...

i hope i'll see you around... eventually.
this is just fuckin silly.
maybe thats all it was... silly.
i will see you again, and 10 bucks says my heart stops again and my breaths shorten and my cheeks get red any my eyes will meet yours and nothing will become of it...
but i'll feel alive and restored to move on.


i think this is the only thing keeping me afloat:

You need not, to climb mountaintops
You need not, to cross the sea
You need not, to find a cure
for everything that makes you weak.

You need not to reach for the stars,
when life becomes so dark
and when the wind
does blow against the grain
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood

when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

If you feel, you paid the price
and your wounds should cease to heal
and everything you love in life,
spins like a winding wheel
if you should wake, to find you're abandoned.
and the road you travel, leads to a dead end

when death creeps in, to play it's part.
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart


no... i am not where i belong. but theres no telling when this could change.

----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - The Girl

and i'll do anything to just feel better. any little thing that just feels better.

my resolution this year is to not worry so much about my past or where i'm going. to live and let live. let it be. let go and let god. hell, there's so many i could go on for days. and it hasn't been that hard. but this is only day three. and i'm haunted with some amazing new songs lately... and most of them have to do with my past. and one of my favorite parts of the past is without a doubt - Christopher. maybe i have grown, because normally i'd be crying for these songs but i find myself smiling and singing along. first one is by my favorite artist: dallas green. yup my favorite artist i said it. no one compares right now - but don't get it twisted with my favorite bands. this is a live video of his latest song: waiting from the new album that drops in february. and the second is lenny kravitz's new song: i'll be waiting. i love lenny because he can do it all. whether he's on a track with pharrell and diddy or if he's just on his guitar - i love him either way; rock or rap.




i wish i had lyrics to these two but i just have lenny's. nonetheless, both make me face the issue i have in my heart and that's him. sometimes i feel like i have to let him go like i did benj. but you know what? i don't want to now. and i never wanted to before. i will wait the rest of my life for him. i will go on and love others i'm sure. but he's it for me. i'm 99% sure of it. maybe we will never get our shit together. maybe we will always be leaving. but no matter what, i'm lucky to have been in his presence. i'm lucky that he even glances at me. and he's lucky that i care... and as it's looking right now, that i will always care.

he gets my thoughts and regards, but i'm not focused on him. and that was another part of my resolution. yes, he makes me happy. but there are plenty of other things that make me happy around here. like concerts with my sister and a full-week vacation planned for the first time since i was 10. and ... and this is gonna make me sound whore-y ... but there's other guys that make me happy too. even in the corny innocent ways, there's still a smile on my face when i hit the pillow. so guess what? it does make me feel better. he's not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere yet. live in just today - oh my god there's another one. this life is not so bad when you just take it one day at a time - ok i have to cut this shit out now.

two things:

[1]
I don't know if you still think of me, but I always wonder if you do ... I guess either way it wouldn't make a difference since you'll never let go of being the stubborn, close minded human that you are. Sometimes, I wonder if you even know what forgiveness means, the value of it, and will ever realize that if no one forgave you, you wouldn't have a single soul on your side, because you are definitely, for fact, not perfect. It's such a shame to see how you act upon certain situations, and I hope one day you realize how wrong you were. I hope one day you will realize you made a mistake just as much as I did, except the one difference between our errors is that I understand what I did was wrong. You, on the other hand, are convinced that the way you treat me is completely acceptable. In your eyes, you are never, ever wrong, and THAT, is wrong.

[2]
I suppose I should be thinking about the year ahead and trying to establish some sort of "game plan" therein... but to be honest, I know who I am. I know what I love and where I'm going. I'll get there, so it's something I needn't think of anymore. What's on my mind right now... is the unpredictable nature and all around random progression of life. I'm thinking of one person in particular. Perhaps of romance or desire... but of intrigue. To have seen this person only once, some years ago and still find myself intrigued with their perceptions regardless of how they differ from my own. The truth is, they will likely never know of this intrigue as our paths may never cross again, yet it still remains. To this day, I read/see/hear their words and am engaged in ways that I really find myself unable to explain. The plainly evident balance between honesty and portrayal, never straying from one's self... regardless of the cryptic nature of written word at times. These people are few and far between and I must say, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to look away.

So on that note, hold onto those people in whatever form you so choose, sometimes if only from a distance. They are honest and true, they are "reality" in itself. It saved me, once again, from falling in love with a bad idea.

and with you, this is my life.

I'm losing sight
Don't count on me
I chase the sun
It chases me

You know my name
You know my face
You'd know my heart
If you knew my place
I'll walk straight down
As far as I can go

I'll follow you if you follow me
I don't know why you lie so clean
I'll break right through the irony

Enlighten me
Reveal my fate
Just cut these strings
That hold me safe

You know my heart
You know my gaze
You'd know my heart
If you knew your place
I'll walk straight down
As far as I can go

Cure this wait
I hate this wait

PRO-Canuck:

Is what I am. Toronto is beyond lovely. Even the early-spring snow, wind & rain couldn't hamper my growing enthusiasm for that fine city. I hope to go back as often as possible, to explore and experience as much as I can, though at a warmer, greener time of year. Eventually moving there when I can save enough and once I'm satisfied with my level of education in NY.

It's cliche and predictable but in my experiences it's true -- Canadians are, by and large, much nicer, calmer and more civilized than Americans. Yeah, there are assholes in every country, but as far as I can see, the asshole ratio is much higher here than up there. Every time and everywhere we go, people were relaxed, open, generous. The subway is clean and efficient, the meals we have are as good if not better than any I've had in New York; Chinatown is like Chinatown in NYC (same smells, sights and sounds -- tiny appliance/gift shops squeezed between fish markets and noodle eateries), the student/artist/bohemian neighborhoods are lived-in, worn, tattered, though not as dangerous as the Lower East Side. There's no sense of menace or fear. Smiles are common. People are polite to a fault.

Now, I'm being a bit romantic here. But not by much. And the difference between Them and Us is amplified the second we re-entered the US. We always have a gruff border guard, looking like he's dressed in SWAT attire, mirror shades, loudly barking, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN CANADA?!" Usually makes a disgusted face and nodded us through. Although I will never forget the time me & Meg were pulled over, had her car searched, scared out of our fuckin minds while being completely innocent of anything they were thinking. And the bastards sent us through at about 3am without an apology for searching us for no good reason. Thanks NY. Love you too.
God Bless America, right?!

Anyhow, I spent most of last night just looking at photos of my favorite city. Most of which came at Winter time via Flickr and Google. Here are some of my favorites:

rough. week.

so this past week [november 12th - 16th] has been ludicrously hard on me. started off with an "anniversary" that i was somewhat ok with. i fell in love and was called "a bitch from rochester" haha but that's ok, i'm used to it with him ... but chris, he was the best thing that could have happened to me men-wise. he [without knowing it] helped me get through my eating disorder and restored my faith in myself, not to mention all the great people i have met because of him. but it still made me sad because i can't be where i love, and half of that is near him; but i keep telling myself: soon enough. and there is no rush, i am 21 years old - it's not like i have to marry the man. we got plenty of time.

anyhow, then was the anniversary of another man who helped me without knowing it, who is no longer with us: matt watters. the cutest kid i had ever seen. i can still see him so clearly in my head - piercing blue eyes, always sporting a smile, never had a bad word to say about anybody, charming as anyone you have ever met, and died at the tender age of 18. such a shame. after benj, he was the first guy i had a crush on. and i know that sounds silly but he was the first guy i thought: "well maybe..." about. and now i will never know...which took its toll as well on the 14th.

then i found out via myspace message that in the argument that broke up my ex with his current girlfriend was a screaming match in which he said i was a better fuck ... a little background info here, i have known mike most of my life - our parents are family friends. but dad didn't allow me to date when i was 13, but we did anyhow. and we continued off and on, somewhat not seriously until i was 16/17ish. it was only natural that we did some stuff. but there was never any intercourse ever. and i pride myself on being a virgin like my mother was. now mom held out until her wedding night, i'm unsure if i have the strength to do that but it will definitely be when i'm in a real, serious relationship when it does happen. not to mention, that if my father found out a rumor like that, i would never forgive myself. i realize that dating mike behind his back was wrong but i was 13 gimme a break. plus, mike was gorgeous. even now, not so bad, but especially back in high school when he was more fit haha none of this "upset" me per say but it did piss me off. i am happy to say that he did not receive a nice voicemail from me when i had heard. oh i should also mention that she never knew we dated to begin with - so i was able to be friends with both of them; now i doubt that will happen again.

then the straw that kinda broke my back was yesterday. and this... is so incredibly stupid. i have had this lil thing for a kid in my photo class. and i say kid because he's 19. and normally i don't like younger men but there was something about him... maybe his eyes. he has amazing green eyes; anyhow, he never really had his shit straight. and from the beginning we had good chemistry, and at one point i thought: "i think i might like this guy enough to date him." and, once again, i haven't felt that way about a man from new york since matt. then he misses like three classes since then and his grade really goes into the hole and i thought he withdrew. then last friday, he shows up to lecture. and as soon as he sits down we start talking and there's a huge smile on his face and i'm not gonna lie, it was nice to see him. ok, so this week comes [i have thursday/friday classes so i see him only for about 5 hours a week] and i was pretty sure i wasn't going to see him again. but he showed up. and again a huge smile on his face when he sees me. working in the darkroom, i can see him staring at me out of my peripheries but still i don't say anything. we catch each other going in and out and the most i said was "thank you" when he held the door open for me. well the last time i went out to check on my photos, i see him talking to the professor. the professor tells him he would have to get 100 on everything else we do in class to even get a C in the class and pat said something about his dad not wanting him to withdrawal from the course. so i go back in to do another test strip with the proper aperture this time and when i walk out once again to check my final print, i see him packing up all of his stuff and walking out the door... and then i knew, that was it. and chances are, i will never see him again. so i walk back into my lil quarter of the darkroom to tell my friend kim about it and i just start crying. i think she thought it was because he left but it wasn't well maybe it was part of it. it bothered me that we didn't say anything. and then i compared it to chris... and every time i leave toronto i think i will never see him again. but i can't let that happen between us. yes pat was nice. yes for a moment i thought i could see myself with him. but i never thought of him as chris' competition. to be honest, i don't think anyone ever will. all i know is that i can never, ever, live the rest of my life without chris not knowing who i am. i have to give this a shot. i know if i don't i could lose the most intense feeling of euphoria i have ever experienced. even if it takes 30 years or if we bomb as a couple and have nothing in common or are constantly fighting - it will be better than not having him at all. so that's that. i'm trying to give myself a break from men and that never works.

i've been doing tons of online christmas shopping lately: meg, my mom, dad and myself. i feel i'd probably kill myself if i didn't reward myself every once in awhile because i know no one else will. i also know that me and meg are going to california in june ... i may have mention that a few hundred times haha and dad is even supporting it which is somewhat frightening. so in light of everything, i wanted to make a good purchase for myself this year. it started with shoes [suprise, suprise] then i thought, "these isaac mizrahi ankle boots will be on clearance on dec.26th" ... not to mention a xmas present ;]. then i thought about a new mp3 player, which i really do need. my old one holds only about 100 songs and has two, big cracks in the screen, so i thought iPod. but then i got to thinking about memories. i love my canon rebel, but it's hard to worry about buying film, getting it developed, worrying about prints that i can't make myself. what better way then with a new digital camera. mine still works, but it's pretty ghetto haha i can take pictures, but i can't see them to erase them and i can't zoom in or out so it's pretty much a crap shoot. i am not going to be stuck in california with that piece of shit. so this is what i bought. this is my lil reminder that i have to live life to the fullest. i am in the prime of my life right now. no matter what happens to us after this year, i will always remember all our roadtrips, concerts, men, and now vacations... and this is how i will capture it all:

with everything said and done, it was 92 bucks at best buy. came with free shipping, one year warranty, pouch included. it was 5mp which was better than my old one, had the same zoom as my old one and so much more sleeker and pink! hahah so me. i don't think it was a bad deal for 85 bucks. probably a better investment than those 2 pairs of boots i wanted ... however, you and i both know ... i will have them at some point anyhow. i'm too stubborn not to. if you won't or can't buy it for me, i will do it myself. just how i am. i'm headstrong i know. bottom line, i'm happy as hell now that i got everything off my chest and cannot wait to break my new baby open to start making some goddamn memories!

*note to self: when all other men disappoint you, have cute dreams about you and john krasinski.* [it's strange how lil things like that can make you open your eyes to a smile when the real world seems like it would love to see you cry]

damn, longest post EVERRRRRRRR. sorry.

dear california,

me & meg are coming.
june 2008 baby.
stoaked.

make sure you come see your girls...
we're thinking about staying in glendale - good idea?



----------------
Listening to: 'Lost' ; Avenged Sevenfold.

let it be.

i'm having one of those days ...

one of those days where you doubt yourself and your goals, ambitions, dreams, and realities. i need to just calm my ass down. i owe no one any answers. and i don't have to make up my mind right now, but i still worry. i think i worry too much. or maybe i think too much?

do i move to toronto by myself or move to a place i've never been to with my best friend?
i don't have to answer now.
i know i worry too much.
but both could kill me.

i guess this is where praying comes in. pray that things will go well, that you get what you want, who you want, that your friends and family are healthy and supportive of you and all that you do... but where do prayers end and ambitions/dreams begin?

hope, thats all we can do. that, and learn for our mistakes... some lessons we learn right off the bat. and others have to slap us in the fucking face --- i'm hoping it's not the latter for me [well, at least not this time.]

there are faces i'll remember all my life

it's a really weird thing to miss faces... it could be very superficial; doesn't mean you know all the people behind them. maybe you just miss a smile, or a frown, their eye color, or a look - or maybe you've gotten close enough to recall their hugs, laugh or smell. it's funny how such small, meaningless things can be associated with their face.
i miss all of their faces. some of them i "know". some of them i've never met. but i have seen all of them in person at least once and i even have reoccurring dreams about some of them. i keep getting that Beatles song stuck in my head when i think about them -- their faces or their names. there must be a reason for that.
or maybe i just want there to be one... sometimes the hardest thing to figure out is your own damn mind; why people are the way they are; and why you can't help yourself but to love them [whether it be for good or bad].
i miss you all.

finish strong - i love this...

this is for all you people that HAVE to make something out of nothing; those of you that have to label things and ask why why why.
something's don't have answers and some things can't be explained in words.
sometimes, some things just have to be felt.
I love this so much I had to put it as a blog. This is from Matt at Finish Strong:

The best people are right in front of you.

They are not on the road in bands. They work at starbucks. They work at the mall. They sit in front of computers while the sun shines outside. They have done you favors and you have never thanked them. They know you have never thanked them and they still love you. The best people are right in front of you.The best people work for minimum wage. They are not in the spotlight. They dont smile all the time. They cry behind closed doors. They are real people. They are not convenient friends. THEY ARE NOT CONVENIENT FRIENDS. They dont need to hear from you when you find time between reading emails from fans. They are real people that love you for all your faults and weaknesses. And they will be waiting still, when you finally have time for them. The best people are right in front of you. They listen when all you do is talk about yourself. They share a smoothie and just say nothing. They do more for others than they do for themselves, which is why they are not as far ahead as the selfish ego maniacs. The best people dont win awards. The best people arent even up for an award.

They are too busy being the best people. And they dont even know it.

I would like to thank every single one of you for the support you have given us.

And im sorry to have to say this but Finish Strong has NOTHING to do with straight edge or hardcore. AT ALL. So im sorry if people thought that but there is just no way. Way more about peace and love and old country music and jazz and good things in life. NO damn way we are about anything that involves hitting people or beating people up. Strictly non-violence. Strictly non-attitude.

Finish Strong Family .. DEFINITELY NOT TOUGH GUYS.
RESPECT AND SUMMER LOVE.
Scap.

l.o.v.e.?

If I gave you pretty enough words,

Could you paint a picture of us that works?

An emphasis on function rather than design.

Are you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back

And blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while...

Aren't you tired of me being weak?

Such rage that you could scream -

All the stars right out of the sky,

And destroy the prettiest starry night.

It's every evening that I die.

I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold.

After all these images of pain, have cut right through you,

I will kiss every scar, and weep.

You are not alone...

Then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat.

Aren't you tired of being weak?

----------------
Listening to: Atreyu - Ain't Love Grand

death?

for fourteen fucking years, i've had the same images stuck in my head.
for fourteen years, i still wake up in the dead of night in the summer and see the horse, the stable, the bright red water pump in the backyard.
everything is so clear to me, it's like i'm 6 again.
then i blink and it's gone.
for fourteen years, i have seen the night he died behind my eyelids.
the lights / shadows, sounds / stillness, the pacing of his feet / the tranquility of him.
for fourteen years, i wished i was a child... that i never experienced death or sorrow or pain until i was at least old enough to understand them.

you have no idea why i am the way that i am - and that's my fault. i think about death everyday. it's not some morbid fascination; it's just reality. i know some people can't talk about it without getting choked up but that's not me. the only way i get to see him again is by those thoughts but they also haunt me.
there's no way to have your cake and eat it too.

ever wonder why i'm so stubborn? or why i just can't let somethings [or some people] go?

he's why. he taught me to never give up on what i believe in. he also broke my heart. but i wouldn't have it any other way.

i'd rather remember my grandfather with beauty and pain than be numbed by some bullshit drugs [legal or illegal]. the scariest fear i have is not experiencing life as i want it, not dying. you never hear the shot that kills you. living without ambitions is the real tear-jerker here.

i don't want your pity. i can't stand fake people.
i just want you to know. trying to get into my head is really all i can offer.

all we have is what we perceive. we decide what is real and what isn't. it's all subjective. that's all i'm saying. and you can't judge what i don't confess, so i don't.