how my heart behaves.

we leave for california in less than a month... well hopefully. and really it is a trip to LA. we are landing in LAX. we are stayin in LA [or very close to it]. but i reallllllllllllly want to take a day out and hit up Huntington Beach. at first i thought it was an excellent possibility with public transportation. now i hear that's it close to an hour drive. i don't give a fuck if its a 4 hour drive, i still want to go. that's really all i want to do. well outside of LA. in LA, i'm sure we will be doing lots of fabulous shopping and dining. and visiting the santa monica pier but i wanna see PCH. i wanna walk the streets that i've heard some of my favorite people talk about for like 5/6 years now. i wanna point and go "oh that's the place where ____". i want to lay around and go for long walks on the beach. i want to smell, taste, touch the pacific ocean. that doesn't happen in LA. but most of all, i just want to be apart of something bigger than me. i want to feel like "this is where i belong." maybe not permanently. maybe not for the rest of my life. but just for a day, just for an hour, i want to feel what it's like to not live in a shit hole. what it's like to walk around a city and see more sand than pavement. and maybe just pretend that there's still hope in the world.

i'm holding no expectations for this trip. hell at this point, i'm not even expecting this trip will happen. i'm hoping, praying and wishing. it would be nice to see joel while we are there. it would be nice to see josh while we are there. it would be nice to see my HB [if] we are there. it would be nice to eat at the Ivy with lindsay fuckin lohan while we are there. but all of that doesn't even matter to me honestly. i want to just go on a plane again. i want to have butterflies in my stomach. i want to have all my things packed. i want to feel independent. i want to get away from this state of pain, anger and disappointment in me. i don't want to be tied down. i don't want to worry about if chris is gonna be somewhere. i don't want to worry about what i say or can't say. i don't want to worry if i have under eye circles or if i look fat. i just want to fucking live and be happy with my best friend.

because my bulletins don't work.

Are you slowl​y drift​ing away from someo​ne close​?​
yeah, a few. some i hate it. and some i have to let it happen for my own good.



Who is someo​ne you'​d like to fix thing​s with?​
Benj and Chris... but ironically enough, i'd be more comfortable seeing Benji right about now. just too much stuff there with Chris.




Has anyon​e ever told you you have prett​y eyes?​
all the time... but does it count if they are hittin on you? haha



What have you learn​ed latel​y?​
to livee​ee.​ and to love myself.





Do you trust​ peopl​e too easil​y or not enoug​h?​
i don'​t trust​ at all.





What'​s the color​ of the soap in your showe​r?​
dove white.

​



Do you ever bite your lip?
when i'm turned on.





When was the last time you cried​ reall​y,​ reall​y hard?​
oh shit i dunno. which is a really good feeling.

​


Are you tickl​ish?​
super​.

​


Do you ever keep argui​ng even when you know you'​re wrong​?​
yeahh​hh,​ I alway​s win someh​ow too. i'm too stubborn.





What are you liste​ning to?
i was listening to Linsday Lohan hahaha now it's Simple Plan.





Is there​ someo​ne you want to fight​?​
no, not really. wouldn't mind slappin around some people though. It's more Ericka's fight than mine but I can't stand the bitch either.




Are you missi​ng anyon​e?​
defin​itely​ missin some familiar faces.

​


Where​ do you wish you were right​ now?
Huntington Beach, California.

​


Ever found​ lyric​s to a song that almos​t exact​ly descr​ibes you?
all the time. usually it's City & Colour or Morrissey/The Smiths.




Who were the last peopl​e you ate lunch​ with?​
last Friday, with my bestest Meghan Leigh.

​


Was yeste​rday a good day?
eh. Smackdown could've been better.





What are you looki​ng forwa​rd too?
motherfucking June. Dad in the car today was like "so you are leaving in a month?" and my heart stopped for a second haha


Somet​hing you need to do?
homework.




How was this weeke​nd?​
it's ok.





Have any plans​ for the weeke​nd?​
avenged on MTV2 tonight then working out. and papers all afternoon tomorrow.

​
​


Where​ is the perso​n you like right​ now?
that should be 'people' haha and they are both in HB... well that I know of, they are leaving pretty soon though.





Last time you consu​med alcoh​ol?​
last night.

​


Do you like your life as of now?
yeah. i don't have too many complaints.

​



How'​s your heart​ latel​y?​
​pretty damn good. its clearing up some space.





Ever kisse​d someo​ne who smoke​s?​
yes.





How old are you right​ now?
21.





Did you have a good birth​day this year?​
my birthday is October 16th.





Have you ever been calle​d a tease​?​
hahaha allllllll the time. and i am a cock tease, i've embraced it. you aint gettin in between these thighs.





Where​ are you going​ on vacat​ion next?​
CALIFORNIAAAAAAAAAAA [knows how to party.]



Three​ days from now will you be in a relat​ionsh​ip?​
ummmm, why am i thinkin no? haha someone flyin to me Australia in the next three days?



Is there​ anyon​e who doesn​'​t like you becau​se of somet​hing you didn'​t even do?
I don'​t know, I don'​t care.

​



Do you like your first​ name?​
I love it.




Do you like to cuddl​e?​
oh yeah. i'm a spooner.





Do you have any sibli​ngs?​
meghan. but ryan and kate get honorable mention too. close enough. katy calls me her 'god sissy' haha i don't even know what that means but it's cute.





Close​ in age?
megson is my age. kate is 11. and ryan is...17? i dunno he's graduating this year and we are both libras, so i think so haha


Where​ will you live when you'​re older​?​
definitely to be determined. was toronto. now who the fuck knows. someone find me a PR job with the Lakers hahaha oh god, my dream job.

​



Who was last to comme​nt you?
Meg and Ericka... i approve my comments so it was at the same time haha​



Three​ words​ to expla​in why you last threw​ up?
just one: sick.





Where​ did your last hug take place​?​
i don'​t remem​ber.​ i think​ in Meg's car?



Has someo​ne of the oppos​ite sex ever told you they loved​ you, and meant​ it?
nope.

​



Do you plan on movin​g out withi​n the next year?​
nahhh.​ I still got RIT to get through.





Where​ is your fathe​r right​ now?
living room, on the computer.





Do you love anyon​e?​
oh, many. many don't even know.

​



Does a kiss make you feel bette​r?​
if it's from a hot dude sure.





Do you start​ the water​ befor​e you get in the showe​r or when you get in?
when i get in.





Who was last perso​n to call you?
i dunno, someone i didn't know. that's why its a missed call haha



Where​ is your cell phone​?​
sitting beside me on the nightstand.





What can you do with $71?
keep Matt busy................ at first i didn't mean that to sound sexy but yeah, that too ;]



Are you smiling?
after that last question, yes haha



Are you drinking anything?
coffee.





What was the last thing you purchased?
Syn Gates camo hat last night.





What are you wearing right now?
Chanel V neck and my comfy jeans.





Look down, what do you see?
cleavage hahaha



Something on your mind?
if MAC makes a mineral powder foundation?



Happy this shit is over?
whatever, i'm still bored haha

i'm such a fuckin nerd sometimes

i mean honestly, it's kind of freaking me out that i like two brothers haha no less twin brothers. i HATEEEEEEEE whenever girls who "want" them speak of them and it's always in pairs like "i love the berrys" or "Matt and Jason" this. then i realize I'M ONE OF THOSE GIRLS!

i am well aware that they are separate people. granted for me, it's more because i don't care which one i get i suppose hahaha maybe i'll let them choose. yeah, maybe that's what my brain is thinking... or maybe it just likes the option of both at different times. it's really a win win. jason i think is more outgoing and loud and funny as fuck... good for a party or hanging out. but matt is more like the guy i can bring home to dad and won't embarrass me in front of meghan. too bad my subconscious doesn't like the option of threesomes with brothers hahaha

ewww - honest to god, yes it freaks me out. you wouldn't think so with the mind i have but, yes definitely does. and if its gonna be a threesome, you know one of them is gonna be matt sanders hahaha i'm not a fangirl, i don't hate val, i don't google his phone number, i don't know his favorite color. but whatever, the dude is hot. and if i'm having thoughts about wild sex, shadows is in there. i'm not a bad person... honestly! haha

but to sum up my point...


and jason's face is like that becauseeeeeeee:

AUTOGRAPHS?! all of a sudden i feel like less of a freak hahaha pictures with sexy, funny men... maybe. AUTOGRAPHS OF ROADIES? ummm no. if i'm going home from an A7X show with sharpie stains on my arms its gonna be phone numbers; mmmm k?

ohhh PS - Matt has the Misfits' Vans Slip Ons, but Jason has Famous Stars and Straps hats; NOT EVEN PERSONAL STYLE IS GONNA HELP ME DECIDE! jesus christ, i feel like i'm having an election of my own in November.

ya know i make ya wanna...

soooo many sweaty biceps, so little time...
even zack, whut up stud?!

oh and who is this creature?

mmm hmmmmmm.
*& for meghan's future reference* - that's jason hahaha
oh my god, i am such a whore. i have these thoughts about him and his brother. at least it's not at the same time... yet. then we might really be in trouble.

things.

-safari makes everything look so much more prettier haha thank you apple/mac
-the lakers swept those bastards in colorado [meghan knows how i feel about that state hahaha]
-the first half of this day was just horrible. a lot of crying. a lot of being antisocial. a lot of just plain discontent. but the second half was so much better. maybe because i had things to do to keep my mind off of it. like the yankees [who also won btw], then How I Met Your Mother which is always entertaining, then RAW [which most of that was spent talking to Ericka via MySpace about it at the same time shit was happening], then the lakers winning... then
-i got lurked by jason hahahahaha thank good for my boobies. well this weekend, i commented him and was like "mmm hmm; look at those sexy biceps!" [hahaha i'm incapable of lying] and he hasn't been on since around 9. and i noticed that my page views went up. but i didn't get my hopes up cuz it was the same time i was talkin with Ericka. and i got so distracted that i forgot about it... untilllllll i noticed he was online again. 2x in a few hours for JB is pretty astounding haha i've been on the same time as him before and it's very quick on and offs. but this time, he didn't add anyone, or apparently read his messages [this was what i learned from a comment - i don't know his email no less guess a password to hack him haha]. so yeah... does nothing on myspace... except lurk me and others. i love it hahaha oh and i know this because of my "tracker" HB views, same time he was on and my myspace page views changed too at the same time.

usually something doesn't work but it did tonight, which i guess was a real blessing because... i so needed it today. i'm such a nerd and i let lil things make me happy. but it doesn't take much to put a smile on my face. not at all. and thinking about this man:

thinking about me? [to the left] it makes me smile. yes yes it does. shut up hahaha

oh and just to be super kinda whorish...


first one, JB and... fan?
second one, Matt and... fan?

and what does that equal for Sam?
seeing how similar they are, being unable to choose one flat out for personality/humor/traits, and thinking both are god damn adorable... even with people that they don't know haha

something tells me i'm gonna sleep very well.

love lost.

Luke: Anybody here? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute? It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow... killed people in the war and got drunk... and chewed up municipal property and the like. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right.
[Gets on knees, closes eyes and begins to pray]
Luke: On my knees, asking.
[Peeks up with one eye, waits. Then opens eyes and crosses arms]
Luke: Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case.
[Clicks tongue]
Luke: Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way.

my favorite movie is cool hand luke, the hustler, or cat on a hot tin roof. i can't pick one because they are all equally amazing. but cool hand luke has been on a lot lately... and i like to think there's a reason for it.




Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far
I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

my favorite band right now is avenged sevenfold. non stop. and when i got to urge to cry i said to myself "just put on A7X". the first song windows media chose was 'afterlife'. i'd like to think there's a reason for it.


right now it's april 27th. the time span between now and tomorrow, april 28th, i will be a motherfucking mess. excuse my language, but it really is how to best describe it. on thursday, april 28th, 1994, my grandfather died. i was 7 years old. i'm 21 now. and it feels like it happened yesterday. even to this day. as strong as i think i am, i'm breaking down. i always do. he was not only my grandfather, he was my best friend, he was my mentor, he was my father, he was my babysitter, he was my teacher, he was my little league batting coach, he was my horse trainer, he was my provider, he was my everything. he was my hero. and to this very minute as i lay in bed, in my room, with my dog sleeping soundly next to me, i haven't been home since he left. i miss him more than any other person i have ever encountered. i miss his laugh and his smile and his broken nose and wise green eyes and his hugs more than i could ever say and more than i could ever have words to say.

i want sooo much to be saved. or maybe i just want so much to have someone who wishes they could save me. i've become so fucking numb the past few years of my life in terms of love and relationships. and i don't know how that happened. my father says he married his soulmate. my grandfather used to write my grandma love letters even after she died... what happens if i get none of that - ever. i can't handle being my aunt marie. with all her anger and jealously at everyone else except herself. and i won't.

i always turn to men. my first instinct was to watch cool hand luke on AMC today because Paul Newman [even now] looked so much like my grandfather. and his character is my grandpa to a tee. never back down, never surrender. you can never tell him to stay down even if you could beat him, you could never defeat him. and that was my papa. the first man i ever put on a pedestal. the first man that loved me without any judgment. the first man that i cried the whole night for. the first man to shatter my heart completely. some people just never learn.

that transcript up there was the last scene of the movie. luke is in a church when he's speaking to "the big guy". that was where he died in the end.

the lyrics are from sevenfold's song 'afterlife'. which stuck me on just as many cords as my favorite movie. my grandfather was my place of peace and light and i hope that i get to see him again when i leave this place. that is really the only thing we live for isn't it? that our afterlives are better than the ones we live now. i don't care at all about what happens to me, i just want to see my papa again. please God, just let me see my papa again.

that picture above the lyrics of matt sanders..... that's my hero and image of strength now. hard to believe, right? i can talk more freely about this and him now that meghan knows. i remember the first time i saw him, even in all his gorgeousness i thought "oh my god, he has amazing eyes." he has the same color eyes as my grandpa. bright green with a light yellow encircling them. sometimes i just wonder where would i be if i didn't have the feeling of empowerment that him and his best friends have given/gave me. the only way i keep from not being on meds or the feeling that i want to kill someone or hurt myself, is by music. only his music as of late. not only avenged but bleeding through as well. i still can't talk to scheppati either. but to be honest, Brandan reminds me more of my father. the typical italian look ya know? dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin. i love my dad, but he really has no idea what i do in my free time or in my social life. i told him "dad you wouldn't even recognize your daughter at an avenged sevenfold show." and it was like he already knew, he just smiled and said "i'm sure." they are such a blessing to me. the only reason i'm starting to calm down now is because i'm singing 'a little piece of heaven'.

i started with grandpa covering my eyes when i was a little girl whenever The Undertaker came on and did the eye thing. i didn't want to look. it scared me to look. now i try to do it myself. figuring out how he does it. even this friday during smackdown, i tried haha the past and the present really isn't that far apart for some things.

it's alright to feel the way i feel, it's better than not feeling anything at all.

RIP papa, i love you more and more everyday. i hope you are with grandma and uncle noko, watching the horses or finally seeing frank sinatra in concert. i'll be up there eventually and you can teach your little dolly all the things i need to learn most. you are my only hope in humanity. everyone else is just human. i might have my favorites but you will forever be alone on my pedestal.

----------------
Listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Afterlife

this is the

coolest fuckin thing i've ever created.

so proud of myself.
all together, i'd say it took about 4/5 hours to make? like coming up with the coding was the hardest part haha i love the leopard print behind the headers - gives it an extra sexiness to it. i don't know if the background makes sense but whatever. i like it. ericka said she liked it - granted she was the first one to see it and is featured in it hahaha but still. i know her well enough already that if she didn't like it she would have told me. she's honest and bold like that.

i don't know how long the top is lasting though.
honestly... it scares me a lil hahahaha

come closer...

i have a secret to tell you...

i love this website!
hulu.com - FREE, FULL episodes, EVERY show i love or loved, can be added to ANY website, and with few or NO commercials. and it's completely legit so no one can try and delete it from under you like youtube does.

and they just added "How I Met Your Mother" - i'm in heaven.

i mean seriously... look at this list: http://www.hulu.com/browse/network/tv

prison break, the office, HIMYM, the bad girls club!, dirt, back to you... even wrestling! urghhh all my guilty pleasures... wentworth, john, jason and bitches hahaha

ok bedtime, more viewing tomorrow.

sometimes...

i don't know why i do things. but something told me to view rachael's blog entitled "my friends"... and her 10 people she chose for this survey were none i knew.

fine. awesome. to be expected.

then i decided to look at her older ones, and thats where the real disappointment and anger and frustration took hold. having ones in 05 like "hanging at samies with her and meggy." or seeing comments i left her that ended in "i love you". or blog comments from 05 from meghan like "i hope i get to see you over the summer! <3 Meggy Megson" and kristel even saying that she loved her and to keep her chin up. and now rach has the audacity to ask her if she even knows her?!?! and it just came out and i started crying. even yesterday, a few tears came out when i saw evan's new pix because i thought "he should have an aunt sam." she never had a fuckin clue. it has always been and will always be rachael, rachael, rachael. and i'm fuckin sick of it. i deleted her off my buddy list and made it private. when may comes around we are doing absolutely nothing besides getting my fucking shoes back. fuck it. i'm so sick of convenient friends.

i mean, i have jenna in cali-fuckin-fornia telling me that she wants to meet me because of how much i inspire her and even though i'm 3000 miles away something about me radiates. i have ericka and jenny who i write like pages and pages of feelings and shit to this past week and will get pages and pages back just because they understand and can relate and fuckin share. even though jenna is 25 and jenny/ericka is 17, it doesn't matter because they care enough to be nice to me... hell, even more than nice. jesus fuckin christ, i even commented dave tryin to be funny asking him to teach me how to be metal and he comments back "perhaps when you are out here." the thought of hangin with the dear and departed alone was enough to make me smile/laugh. and yet, all of those messages or feelings don't even begin to compare to my best friend. i can't sleep at night unless we've said 'nite, love ya' s. i do not ask for much. and it doesn't take much to win me over.

i'm such a smart girl, but i'm such a sucker for trying to be nice to her. partially because i blame myself. partially because i think she needs a friend. but she doesn't. she would have noticed wayyyy before now how loyal i am, just like meghan tells me i am like every birthday or thanksgiving or christmas. i'm not a jealous person. i'm not a dramatic person. fuck, i'm not even a sad person anymore. but there's something about rachael that just makes me want to put a baseball bat to her skull.

over it.

4 am. bedtime and making a new layout with meg's ideas in it tomorrow. fuck you. i'm a dork. and i enjoy making shit that requires me lookin at HB dudes for hours on end. at least someone sees it and tells me they appreciate it. at least i don't have a one year old kid, fat ass, bird nose, sagging tits or a deadbeat baby daddy. ohh ok, that was a lil mean. i will retract that previous sentence.

fuck, i'm such an angry person inside. one of these days... just watch the fuck out. i need a good laugh to make me feel like i'm not such a terrible person. to feel light and easy going again. cuz right now, i'm just stressed, >:|

better...

than before.
than most.


off.
<3

i had a waterloo view today... and i had to feel nothing.

80 Things You Might Not Know About Me


Whats your middle name?
Alma, after Grandma

How big is your bed?
Big enough ;]

How is the weather right now?
chilly.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
dad?

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
I think their clothing and eyes.

Favorite type of Food?
italian. or chinese!

Do you want children?
In the future, maybe.

Do you drink?
only when i need to.

Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
nah. portions - yes lol

Hair color?
natural? light brown. right now - red/brownish.

Eye color?
greenish brown.

Do you wear contacts/glasses?
no, I want colored contacts though.

Favorite holiday?
i'm too old to have a favorite.

Favorite Season?
Probably Spring thru Fall.

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
hahahaha no never *eye roll*

Last Movie you Watched?
No Country for Old Men -- wtf?!

What books are you reading?
Glamour. Vogue. Nylon.

Piercings?
2x ears...if i wear them.

Favorite Movies?
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof...and really any other with Paul Newman.

Favorite college football team?
Oh, I don't care about college sports.

What were you doing before filling this out?
Checking in with my Styled myspace

Any pets?
Bubbies<3

Dogs or cats?
both please; and horses; and pandas; and dolphins.

favorite flowers?
lilies!

Who would you like to see right now?
...i don't even want to say. [refer to plane question]

Have you ever fired a gun?
Yup.

Do you like to travel by plane?
YESSSSSSS - woot June will be the next trip

Right-handed or Left-handed?
Righty.

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
...i don't even want to say this either. [refer to plane question]



and i definitely counted and theres 26 questions listed, not even close to 80.
stupid myspace.

you know who you are.

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.

I opened up my life to you
I've told you everything I knew
You listened so close
You listened so close when love was just a way out

But you're going deaf now
Yeah you've turned your head around

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

You blew up the world I built for us
Destroyed our secret universe
Threw out the trust I put in you
Making me feel like I'd been used

And now I'm reminded
That I was just blinded.

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

I'm doing fine, you'll be alright
Maybe you'll think of me tonight...
You're doing fine, I'll be alright
Just give me time, yeah...

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
I don't want to hear you're doing fine
Don't wanna hear I'm without you now.

I'm without you now


We are both without you now. It is better this way. Not like you give a shit. I'm trying not to notice things. Things that used to make me smile or giggle, things that now make me roll my eyes or scrunch my eyebrows. I'm learning to change even thinking about them. These relationships that I never even had... maybe because there weren't any chances. Or maybe because those chances ran out. It's ok; it's ok; it's ok. Nothing ever comes easy for me, but that's fine. That's how I learn. See all the men I seem to be tied to have one thing in common -- the road. For some reason, that's who I'm attracted to, since I was what 15? They are always leaving, or I am always leaving. That may be the problem, but I don't care. They aren't the problems with my heart/brain/gut, it's me. And I need space. I can handle long times apart, girls, drunks, trouble, what have you. I'm not jealous, or needy, or dramatic. What I can't handle is being lied to. What I can't handle is putting him a pedestal. No matter how gorgeous, no matter how sweet, no matter how strong - they are all human. They are going to make mistakes, and I can respect that because I make mistakes too... we all do. But I feel I need something now. And I always make something out of nothing, so I think I'm ready for makin another round of this shit haha

jaded.

it's safe to say, i have a lot on my plate. and i mean on any regular wednesday. not when my stress level is up, not when something's due. every single day. growing up means learning how to deal with every day as it comes in a healthy way. i've been an adult since i was seven. death doesn't really effect me anymore. tears don't really effect me anymore. sometimes i just feel dead inside. or numb. or comatose. dad never used to cry. i can't remember the last time i saw him cry. these past two months, he cries every time my mom has a seizure. every. time. and he can't even learn how to use his bank card without me. and i just don't the patience. today after my mom had the seizure, he started crying. right at the hospital. and my first thought was "jesus christ, get over it". and i was appalled with myself. i had a few tears fall too, but not like crazy sobbing... and i'm a crier [ask meghan].
i just don't know how to deal with things anymore. i feel bad for mom, my first thought is always about her. and it's usually "this poor woman." because there's nothing else i can do for her. but his crying fits as of late, just make me roll my eyes. i'm a horrible person. i must be. i remember when i was a little girl, i used to cry for every one. like he cried. he used to tell me: "you're gonna do this everytime?"
all of his uncles have/had alzheimer's. i think grandpa died before he would have gotten it to. i remember when his Uncle Don used to cry from just seeing his daughter from Jersey. Dad always said the disease makes you: "once a man, twice a boy."

i can't handle Mom's MS getting worse.
i can't handle a boy.
i can't handle me thinking about either of those.

"you do what you have to"
...i don't know what i have to do, so please don't tell me another cliche like that. drinking doesn't help. getting laid isn't going to help. therapy doesn't work. pills don't work.

rubbish.

hahahaha oh horoscope

"A lover's attentions make you feel like you're walking on air. They will do anything to make you happy."

haha lover? wow astrology you were wayyyy off on this one. although, i did make a new layout and people like it, so that makes me feel good. but lover? no. not in the least. i forgot how to fuckin spell the word 'boyfriend'.

tell the promoter

we need Morrisseys, we just sold out all the floor seats.
lovin Estelle's song "American Boy" ft. Kanye. she's been around awhile and am really surprised that she hasn't hit it big in the US before now, but that's ok. we all get out 15 minutes eventually. or so they say.

i think i'm getting sick and getting my period. double dose of misery. but i'm in a good mood. lot of things on my mind lately however: my one american boy, english boy, old canadian boy; TD&D telling me they appreciate my site; making banners for that site; what else i should be doing; due dates; how i'm eating; considering bikini waxes; wearing swimsuits in the most superficial state in the country; having three zits on my face; being in desperate need of a dye job; needing desperate need of a haircut but it not being long enough; working my abs more; not working my abs enough; seeing the used - or not seeing them if its sold out; my dog needing a bath; my bed being made only on weekends; needing new curtains; wanting new shoes and to see a shitload of movies that are out on video, at the theater or coming out; and thinking about when spring break is.

just a lot of thoughts... not necessarily worries yet. oh well, such as a woman's life right?

until further notice...

matt is the winner.

he's just so fuckin cute. with those big, brown eyes and that shy smile. i can't help it anymore. not to mention the tanned body that's under that hoodie... now there's somethin to think about. plus i know some pretty god damn annoying 14-year-olds who ask to hug him and get pictures with him every chance they get and yet, they all still say he's the sweetest guy ever. and, i keep dreaming about him. which is weird but, hey, maybe there's a reason for it. still ain't weirder than askin for a hug from a dude you don't know. fuck. some chick actually said that jason was the favorite of the band and he was the favorite with the ladies hahaha i doubt the guys sit there and rank em but he certainly got this lady's attention.

yup, in summary, keeper...
or at least, keeper of my thoughts when i'm not busy worrying about my life.

[boredom causes these stupid posts, forgive me. maybe if i get bored enough i'll post some pix. not so much for your benefit, but more to satisfy my eyes haha (or subconscious perhaps?)]

i get so

[...distracted
by some peoples reactions
that i don't see my own faults
for what they are

at times so self destructive
with no intent on molding
but behind this emotion,
there lies a sensible heart

i hope to learn as time goes by
that i should trust what's deep inside
burning bright, oh burning bright
my sensible heart]


i'm in love with good ideas. which i guess is a good start. hopefully, they will lead into good plans and good actions. but if my life could tell you anything, it's that that isn't true. i always have good intentions, but they never seem to turn out the way i want them to. a lot of the time, its of no one's fault... and other's its of no ones fault but my own.

a lot of people mean more to me than they should. those are the reactions that distract me most. but at least i know, they are good people. people who would give you the shirt off their back. people with good hearts and good intentions, just like me.

even in 08, there have been more people, more opinions/judgments than i would have thought that i would care about. some of them i don't know [them as people and/or their judgments], but i want to. even if those judgments are about me. people like harlow and her uncle josh and dallas and dan and darren and david and zacky and matt and jason and danny and jenna and scotty and sam and keith... and so on and so forth. i could go on forever. but because they don't know that they impact me, doesn't mean i forget about the usual suspects. maybe they impact me through other people, like meghan or joel or avenged or the bats, but what ever it is, i have no reason to deny i think about them. hell, i dream about 90% of the people i just listed for christ's sake. sometimes i want to punch some of them in the face. sometimes i want to hug some of them silly.

coffee tastes better strong and bold. maybe i'll taste better too. as a child, i hated coffee. i thought it tasted bitter, but i just needed to add more sugar than dad would allow me to have. as we grow, our tastes change. doesn't mean we have abandoned them completely, just different now. sometimes i like my coffee black, sometimes i like it with lots of hazelnut creamer and sugar until it gets to a soft beige color. some days are black, some days are beige. but they are all worth living and learning and loving. there's more out there for me than i think i realize. i think there's more out there for you than we all realize.


----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - Sensible Heart

does this make me a bad person?

he would say, 'yes'. but then again, he would say yes even if i didn't laugh... which i did... a few times.

-------

on to a much more serious [but not exactly unrelated] note:
i had an epiphany / breakdown yesterday. things changed. i changed. it's more than just "keeping my options open." and it's more than just "figuring it out." this is my life we are talking about here, and i don't take that lightly. however, it's ok. and i'll be fine. i've learned to put me first. i've learned that i am a good person. i've learned that i'm human. i've learned that i am as pretty as people say i am - and accepting that compliment doesn't mean i'm cocky. i regret lots of things, and the goal here is not to let that happen again. it's the end of an era for me. i'm a big girl now, and big girls have to let go and face reality.

goodbye chris, meg and i will probably see you around. but in the mean time, keep your head up gorgeous.

the only constant.

So I'll cross my heart
And hope to die
Before I have a chance to lie
To you my dear
Who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray
Before too long
So please forgive me...

i stray because i keep looking. looking for possibilities. what you won't give me. or at least what you don't have the balls to tell me you can give me. the need, want, desire to be cuddled and kissed on the forehead. in my daydreams, in my real dreams. i hate it. i am not your typical girl. i don't get consumed with this shit... but i want it. and that's me being honest. i just want love. i don't want a husband. i don't want babies. i want late night talks with that voice that makes my bottom lip quiver. i want blushing and giggling more than 4x a year. fuck, what is wrong with me. i never wished anyone harm. not you and not me. this is the hardest feeling i think i've ever had to deal with on a daily basis, so i don't deal with it. god i hate this shit. i ignore it and push and push and push it back until i realize how much i fuckin miss it and it brings me to the brink of becoming a mess. but i never let it get that far. because if i breakdown, everything else around me breaks down. and i can't let that happen. i'm a boiling kettle with the lid on... i let a little seep out then the lid goes back on again and everything is fine for awhile... we will see how long.

change of pace

1% milk instead of whole
sun chips instead of sour cream & onion
tuna on rye instead of bean and cheese burrito


moderation.


we will see how long this lasts. i'm sick of looking like the Pillsbury dough girl when i poke my stomach. i finally got rid of those muffins above your jeans, you know? all i eat is tuna lately, and cereal, thats the given. i mean, i'm a vegetarian how much more healthy crap can i eat? but i want to look good. i think i look alright, but i want to look good, not m.shadows with tits - just a lil somethin somethin extra. so this is the next step i believe: http://www.benderball.com/whatyouget.asp. but i think i'm gonna ebay first haha 10 bucks is cheap already but you never know with my favorite site in the world.

ok. back to work. that's all for now.