my private war

i will be 21 in about two months; my sister will be 21 in about one. there's not much that she doesn't know about me. and she knows all my secrets ... except one. there's one that i kept from everyone for awhile. and i'm probably a coward by making this so only a select few can see, but i still don't want everyone to know this about me. it's private and a little too personal. i mean fuck, if my dad knew, he would probably send me to the hospital right now:

bu·li·mi·a
n.  

   1. An eating disorder, common especially among young women of normal or nearly normal weight, that is characterized by episodic binge eating and followed by feelings of guilt, depression, and self-condemnation. It is often associated with measures taken to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, the use of laxatives, dieting, or fasting. Also called bulimarexia, bulimia nervosa.
   2. Excessive or insatiable appetite.

right after i graduated high school i started to become bulimic. it lasted for about a year and a half until there was this guy that i really liked that ended up dying in a car crash from a drunk driver. it was then that i realized how short this life is that we have. it's not like i fell in love with him or anything but he was the first guy that i really kinda felt something for after benji. he was only 18; and til this day, i can't tell you what his middle name was or where he was from but i still think about his smile and the blue of his eyes when i'm walking those halls.

i was ashamed of myself back then and i suppose that's why i never told anyone. i still don't wanna talk about it. but i got through it. by myself. and i think that that was something i had to do by myself. i'm not weak for not telling anyone. and i am strong for getting past it to begin with. but i'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't because of benji. i am over him. and i think that's why i am able to confess it now. i'm past my addictions on all levels; or at least my unhealthy ones. seeing him with all these little twigs are not easy for a girl with hips, thighs and an ass to see. especially when you're trying to get over him. i'm not blaming it all on him. it's not like he put a gun to my head. it's my fault for being weak to start with. for making myself throw up -- and because why? i want to lose some weight? or to have a fucking boyfriend? nope; not that superficial anymore. for the first time, this is me. samantha alma saeva; in the living, breathing flesh.

then at the tail end, there was a man who really put the needle in the coffin for me. at the time, i looked good but i wasn't happy. but him staring at me like that - it made me feel empowered. and it was one of the starts where i kept my food down that whole night. he broke my habit. then once i was ... clean [i guess that will be the word i use] he saw me again and this time i knew a lil about him. he has been around the world - seen all kinds of woman too; has dated models just like that other asshole did and yet, he still wants me. still stares at me. still as gorgeous as he ever was. it was a test i made for myself. i was MYself. my style was mine. my smiles were genuine. i ate with my best friend. i laughed with my best friend. and, i looked fabulous with my best friend. it was the best night of my life.

so there you go meghan. my only deep dark secret that you didn't know. i know that maybe as soon as a year that we could be living in different states and different countries later on even. but i just want you to know that you made me strong. when the whole world was against me, fuck, even when i was against myself. you were there for me... sometimes without even knowing it. and i want you to realize that no matter where in the world we are i will never forget you. you are irreplaceable. and i value your trust more than anything else - ever. anything that i need to conquer within myself has to do with you also. i hope you don't think any less of me because i kept this to myself. i hope you understand and don't get mad at me for it. i feel better already, like there was a weight lifted from my shoulders. i'm ready to take on the world. at 20 going on 30. nothing is stopping me now. not drama, not borders, not men, not money, and not even love.

bring it bitches<3