until further notice...

matt is the winner.

he's just so fuckin cute. with those big, brown eyes and that shy smile. i can't help it anymore. not to mention the tanned body that's under that hoodie... now there's somethin to think about. plus i know some pretty god damn annoying 14-year-olds who ask to hug him and get pictures with him every chance they get and yet, they all still say he's the sweetest guy ever. and, i keep dreaming about him. which is weird but, hey, maybe there's a reason for it. still ain't weirder than askin for a hug from a dude you don't know. fuck. some chick actually said that jason was the favorite of the band and he was the favorite with the ladies hahaha i doubt the guys sit there and rank em but he certainly got this lady's attention.

yup, in summary, keeper...
or at least, keeper of my thoughts when i'm not busy worrying about my life.

[boredom causes these stupid posts, forgive me. maybe if i get bored enough i'll post some pix. not so much for your benefit, but more to satisfy my eyes haha (or subconscious perhaps?)]

i get so

[...distracted
by some peoples reactions
that i don't see my own faults
for what they are

at times so self destructive
with no intent on molding
but behind this emotion,
there lies a sensible heart

i hope to learn as time goes by
that i should trust what's deep inside
burning bright, oh burning bright
my sensible heart]


i'm in love with good ideas. which i guess is a good start. hopefully, they will lead into good plans and good actions. but if my life could tell you anything, it's that that isn't true. i always have good intentions, but they never seem to turn out the way i want them to. a lot of the time, its of no one's fault... and other's its of no ones fault but my own.

a lot of people mean more to me than they should. those are the reactions that distract me most. but at least i know, they are good people. people who would give you the shirt off their back. people with good hearts and good intentions, just like me.

even in 08, there have been more people, more opinions/judgments than i would have thought that i would care about. some of them i don't know [them as people and/or their judgments], but i want to. even if those judgments are about me. people like harlow and her uncle josh and dallas and dan and darren and david and zacky and matt and jason and danny and jenna and scotty and sam and keith... and so on and so forth. i could go on forever. but because they don't know that they impact me, doesn't mean i forget about the usual suspects. maybe they impact me through other people, like meghan or joel or avenged or the bats, but what ever it is, i have no reason to deny i think about them. hell, i dream about 90% of the people i just listed for christ's sake. sometimes i want to punch some of them in the face. sometimes i want to hug some of them silly.

coffee tastes better strong and bold. maybe i'll taste better too. as a child, i hated coffee. i thought it tasted bitter, but i just needed to add more sugar than dad would allow me to have. as we grow, our tastes change. doesn't mean we have abandoned them completely, just different now. sometimes i like my coffee black, sometimes i like it with lots of hazelnut creamer and sugar until it gets to a soft beige color. some days are black, some days are beige. but they are all worth living and learning and loving. there's more out there for me than i think i realize. i think there's more out there for you than we all realize.


----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - Sensible Heart

does this make me a bad person?

he would say, 'yes'. but then again, he would say yes even if i didn't laugh... which i did... a few times.

-------

on to a much more serious [but not exactly unrelated] note:
i had an epiphany / breakdown yesterday. things changed. i changed. it's more than just "keeping my options open." and it's more than just "figuring it out." this is my life we are talking about here, and i don't take that lightly. however, it's ok. and i'll be fine. i've learned to put me first. i've learned that i am a good person. i've learned that i'm human. i've learned that i am as pretty as people say i am - and accepting that compliment doesn't mean i'm cocky. i regret lots of things, and the goal here is not to let that happen again. it's the end of an era for me. i'm a big girl now, and big girls have to let go and face reality.

goodbye chris, meg and i will probably see you around. but in the mean time, keep your head up gorgeous.

the only constant.

So I'll cross my heart
And hope to die
Before I have a chance to lie
To you my dear
Who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray
Before too long
So please forgive me...

i stray because i keep looking. looking for possibilities. what you won't give me. or at least what you don't have the balls to tell me you can give me. the need, want, desire to be cuddled and kissed on the forehead. in my daydreams, in my real dreams. i hate it. i am not your typical girl. i don't get consumed with this shit... but i want it. and that's me being honest. i just want love. i don't want a husband. i don't want babies. i want late night talks with that voice that makes my bottom lip quiver. i want blushing and giggling more than 4x a year. fuck, what is wrong with me. i never wished anyone harm. not you and not me. this is the hardest feeling i think i've ever had to deal with on a daily basis, so i don't deal with it. god i hate this shit. i ignore it and push and push and push it back until i realize how much i fuckin miss it and it brings me to the brink of becoming a mess. but i never let it get that far. because if i breakdown, everything else around me breaks down. and i can't let that happen. i'm a boiling kettle with the lid on... i let a little seep out then the lid goes back on again and everything is fine for awhile... we will see how long.

change of pace

1% milk instead of whole
sun chips instead of sour cream & onion
tuna on rye instead of bean and cheese burrito


moderation.


we will see how long this lasts. i'm sick of looking like the Pillsbury dough girl when i poke my stomach. i finally got rid of those muffins above your jeans, you know? all i eat is tuna lately, and cereal, thats the given. i mean, i'm a vegetarian how much more healthy crap can i eat? but i want to look good. i think i look alright, but i want to look good, not m.shadows with tits - just a lil somethin somethin extra. so this is the next step i believe: http://www.benderball.com/whatyouget.asp. but i think i'm gonna ebay first haha 10 bucks is cheap already but you never know with my favorite site in the world.

ok. back to work. that's all for now.