sleep is death's cousin...

so i might regret this since i dunno who reads this thinger but this is really just for meghan haha but never the less, i'll continue...

it's about my dream i had last night. some really scary stuff - which is ironic cuz i thought due to joel's babygirl being born it would be about him/them... but nope.

i don't remember the specifics because it occurred about, um, 20 hours ago but this is what i do remember:

jay [villians' owner] was kinda like my landlord and i rented a room out of his mom's house. he was the one that i always gave my rent to. [now i've never met jay, we talked online a few times but thats about it. so how he had a real voice and a real body in my subconscious is somethin else - but i digress] and he had invited me over to dinner, and he made it sound like it would be a few of his friends there so i say "sure". i get there......and it's set up like a romantic dinner, with candles and chocolate covered strawberries and all of it. and in my dream, his house was kinda like rob dyrdek's house where the top of the stairs led to the dining room / kitchen, so as soon as i walked up there i thought to myself "oh my god"... cuz i knew it was going to be awkward as hell. and this is where i don't remember the fine details but i recall me as politely as humanly possible trying to say "jay, listen, i know you went through a lot of trouble here but i don't think i can stay." and at first, he was fine and tried to talk me out of it. but i kept trying to leave and he kept grabbing my arm and stopping me, this happened about three times. that last time, he flipped the fuck out. he screamed at me about how long he's wanted me and that the only reason he even let me rent the place was because he thought i would fall in love with him. he scared me so i started walking the other way and he followed me, then i went the other direction and he continued to follow me... the whole time, muttering on about how much he loves me. and when i wouldn't stop walking away from him, he threw a plate of pasta at me and i was wearing a white halter top dress. at this point, i was not only scared but i was pissed. so i told him to fuck off and i went down the first few stairs. he more forcefully grabbed my arm again and this time i shook him off, but in doing so, i fell down a few stairs, head first. at this point, my dress had ridden up and my underwear was exposed. instead of apologizing or trying to help me up, jay just hovered over me and i could feel his eyes roaming up and down my body and i felt violated on top of all my other emotions. i really, truly thought and felt like he was going to attack/rape me. and as soon as he began to take a step toward me, darren came in the door. [and again, i've never met darren or anyone else in the dear & departed, fuck i've never even been in the same room as darren before, so for him to have his accent that i've heard like twice before in some youtube interview baffles me, no less how amazing his blue eyes were... but that's later on.] and he nudged jay out of the way and helped me up and even tried to fix my hair for me. and he talked to jay about something, but it was like jay was expecting him to pop in for something [again, my memory is shady here] but as darren began to leave he said: "sorry to interrupt you two." and i quickly said: "oh no, please stay." and jay was like: "no sam, he has things to do... and i think we have somethings we need to finish." and i looked him in the eyes and it was like they were black, they were so dark and i said: "no. we are done here." and darren didn't know what to think, and asked about the stain on my dress. for some reason, maybe fear, i covered for jay and said that i was foolish and dropped my plate during dinner. and he laughed while my expression stood the same. he noticed and said, "are you ok?" and i just looked in his eyes and they were so bright, and so clear, and so blue. my mind said 'no' but nothing came out of my mouth, yet i think darren heard something - in fact i swear it. and he continued, "do you want me to take you home?" and i nodded frantically. and jay replies, "oh no darren that's fine, i picked her up, i can take her home." and again, i don't know why i didn't say anything, but darren turned to me and i just looked in his eyes and it was like he knew. so he said, "no really, it's no problem. c'mon sam. you have everything?" and opened the door for me because my hands were shaking and i couldn't even turn the knob. he walked beside me on the way to his car and i grabbed his hand and held on to his arm for dear life. he opened my door for me and was just a real gentleman about it all. and he sat down and i said: "is he looking out the window?" and i pretended like i was fumbling through my purse. and at first he was like "why would he be look--yes...yes he is." and i felt tears develop in my eyes and said, "can we just go please?" and he says "of course, i have a few errands to run, do you mind if we do them first before i drop you off?" and i replied quietly, "that's fine". a few silent minutes later, we pulled into a parking lot and he turned off the engine. he continued to just look at me and said, "do you want to tell me what happened?" and i just start sobbing, no words, just me crying. and he pulls me into a hug and starts telling me 'it's alright' and begun gently rocking me back and forth. and once i calmed down i stood on his lap and told him what happened. and as calmly and i have ever heard someone talk he said, "i'm gonna fucking kill him." and i don't know what happened to me but i grabbed his face and kissed him. maybe it was just what i needed to hear - just to have someone stick up for me and care about me...but he didn't pull away either so i'd say the feeling was mutual. and when we stopped, he kissed my forehead and i guess that's what sealed the deal for me, cuz the whole time we were in the supermarket i was holding his hand. and he gave me his hoodie off his back so i could cover up the stain. and i don't remember this middle part but my dream went on and i ended up staying at his place that night - no sex or anything but it was in his bed hahaha and even continued to flash forward to us in a relationship and it was ... pretty adorable to say the least.

yeah all and all bizarre dream, shitty beginning but good ending :)

and meg will probably tell me to look up all the dream symbols - but i forgot the website hahaha [if you don't know her, she's all about that kind of stuff and the our dreams have hidden meanings or they try to give us answers to questions we have in life.]

i don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours.

for awhile now i've been wanting to do this david hockney-esque idea with my room. but alas not talented enough to do that with a digital camera so i just did it my way. and since i just cleaned it yesterday why not do it now?

first door on the left.














some people have a walk in closet ... i have a sit in closet.





makeup drawer and latest reading materials





i turned meghan's poster into a diptych and if you flip it over, there's the other two norma jean photos


mini-work station





the fragrance section to my lil sephora store








crap i don't want to get dust on / can't fit anywhere else








peace out.

brings new meaning to "my humble abode" no?



[UPDATE]
i just happened to be looking through some old photos of Toronto and "Dear God" came on my playlist and again, no tears, i haven't had a cry in 08... nine days?! that's gotta be some sort of personal record.

things i've learned in 08

- putting something in the back of your mind doesn't mean it's going anywhere. looking ahead is not a bad thing and doesn't change a thing either.
- good stress really does improve your self-esteem when the bad stress hits.
- it is possible to hit 65 degrees in Rochester, NY on January 7th.
- hearing your ex got dumped really isn't as humorous as you thought it'd be ... yet a smile still came to my face at the very least.
- if she has a fake tan, lives in california and makes out with her best friend on a regular basis ... tony has fucked her.
- there's two kinds of cake; and both are just as delicious.
- dallas green is a lyrical genius. i don't care what you listen to, just google some of his lyrics. i dare you not to relate to at least one of them.
- david letterman, conan obrien and now john krasinski all have beards since the writer's strike ... not going anywhere else with that, jus sayin.
- television is gonna suck this year because those top 5 rich bitches are too cheap to pay people what they deserve. thanks for no new episodes of The Office douchebags. i'm not even that excited about Prison Break coming back next Monday. wtf is going on?! i realize the title should clue me into what to look for, but come on! how many times can michael get into a new cell? and don't even get me started on them killing off sarah.
- juno is my favorite movie of the year ... but then again, its the only new movie i've seen this year. i have a feeling it's gonna be a great year in the cinema. so many i want to see now and coming up!
- jessica alba is gorgeous. but, my god, she needs a dictionary.
- babies seem to be the theme again this year between nicole richie about ready to pop, jamie lynn and lily allen announcing their knocked-up, and j.lo and halle b both giving birth later in the year.
- dressing like david bowie circa 1977 is apparently the latest trend that i will be completely dismissing.
- my best friend is hotter than all of last year's female american idol contestants combined. i mean i know i'm partial but i'm under no obligation to admit it.
- there's 144 days until june 1st... :)<3