every once and awhile -

- you will have something or someone in your life that you ever planned. somethings that help you without ever them ever knowing... this may not make any sense to anyone else. and its hard to even connect this to my point. connections you never understood and things i don't know how to say... things i didn't even know i felt. and this made me cry.

anyone who knows me knows how involved i am with my family. i was raised by my father and grandfather until he died when i was seven. they had to raise me because my mother has been in the hospital since i was one. after you read this, you will see how close to home it hits for me and why it brought tears to my eyes:

The Dear & Departed: "Myself And My Grandparents"

Sometimes growing up as a child who feels completely isolated and alone can be the hardest thing in the world. It just feels like you have nowhere or no one to turn to. Most of the time you are not completely alone, it is important to not give up and keep searching and allow others close enough to help – you just might find that person who really understands you.

Truth.Explosion.Magazine: I guess we should start at the beginning and set this story up for everyone... So where does it begin?

David Williams: When I was around five.

TEM: Why were you raised by your Grandmother?

DW: My parents divorced when I was five, my mother and I lived together for about two months and she then decided I would be better off with my grandparents on my dads side.

TEM: Where did you mother go?

DW: My mother moved to another city and took my younger sister Sam with her.

TEM: That must have been hard. What about your dad?

DW: My dad had lost his long time job and was struggling to support my sister, myself and my grandparents. He was working all hours of the day in the house that my parents had both lived in. My grandparents house was within walking distance of my dads house and he would come up often.

TEM: Well at least he was close by. Did you still manage to have a fairly normal childhood then?

DW: Before and after my parents divorce I spent the majority of my time in hospital. I felt very isolated.

TEM: Do you mind talking about spending all that time in the hospital? Why were you there so much?

DW: I don’t mind, my sister and I are both chronic asthmatic. She actually just spent new years eve and the following day in hospital because of it.

TEM: That's horrible. It must have been really hard spending so much time in a hospital while all the other children were out playing. Were you at least able to be with your sister?

DW: Sometimes my sister and I would be in the children’s ward together. To be honest it was really no comfort at all knowing my sister was as sick or sicker than me. I never understood people my age and hated them for the most part.

TEM: Did you hate them because you felt so much different then them?

DW: I just hated how average and predictable most people are. It was just way more intensified as a child. I hung solely around adults my whole childhood, the majority of them snobbish or doctors.

TEM: I see. Besides feeling really isolated what else was the effect of spending so much of your formative years in a hospital?

DW: I didn’t attend school often and fell behind so much that I was too afraid of the embarrassment of not knowing some of the things that the other children did. I felt really disconnected from my classmates and developed a strong dislike for the average person.

TEM: I can see how that would happen. How did you manage to stay caught up wit your schooling?

DW: The only thing I ever really enjoyed was reading and my Grandmother is responsible for that . She taught me how to read and more importantly gave me a passion for reading. The first book I ever read was the huge family bible that she would sit at with me.

TEM: Your grandmother sounds like such an amazing woman and such an important person in your life. Is she still there for you?

DW: She died in 2000 when I was about fifteen. She really shaped me into the person I am and had me give up on a lot of the animosity I had for other people. She introduced me to the church and music which have remained central aspects in my life.

TEM: She sounds like a very positive force. How was home life after she passed?

DW: I really didn’t handle the grieving process well. I was a socially inept teenager who was prepared for life by his socially inept snobbish and old world grandparents.

TEM: How did you feel?

DW: I felt robbed of the only person who knew me without wanting to change me. I felt upset and a bit betrayed by her for leaving me. I also had a really hard time with a lot of the beliefs that I had. I started emptying the wine cellar and really losing my mind. I spent all my time alone in the house.

TEM: Can you describe your day-to-day life in that house all alone?

DW: I would wake up with no one there, listen to my records on repeat and lock myself away in my room. Salt lines marked at every entrance to the room. I also used to practice various church services and prayers.

TEM: Did you keep living in your grandparents house?

DW: The house is very old and haunted. A lot of really bad things have happened there and I really think it has just absorbed that. I suppose I had a nervous brake down when I continued living there. I could see things as real as day chasing me around and tormenting me.

TEM: You mentioned you were constantly drunk and completely afraid – how did you overcome this? Have you?

DW: I just got away from that environment. I didn’t drink because I liked it it was to block out the things going on around me and in my head. Now I’m not afraid of anything.

TEM: Where was your father during this time?

DW: My dad was still living down the street, when he could see what was going on with me I moved back in with him.

TEM: What is the “truth” about David Williams?

DW: I’m not really nuts and I think I am fair. I have always given people what I think they deserve and not cared about the consequences. I think I have been the same all my life...scary.

and i'll do anything to just feel better. any little thing that just feels better.

my resolution this year is to not worry so much about my past or where i'm going. to live and let live. let it be. let go and let god. hell, there's so many i could go on for days. and it hasn't been that hard. but this is only day three. and i'm haunted with some amazing new songs lately... and most of them have to do with my past. and one of my favorite parts of the past is without a doubt - Christopher. maybe i have grown, because normally i'd be crying for these songs but i find myself smiling and singing along. first one is by my favorite artist: dallas green. yup my favorite artist i said it. no one compares right now - but don't get it twisted with my favorite bands. this is a live video of his latest song: waiting from the new album that drops in february. and the second is lenny kravitz's new song: i'll be waiting. i love lenny because he can do it all. whether he's on a track with pharrell and diddy or if he's just on his guitar - i love him either way; rock or rap.




i wish i had lyrics to these two but i just have lenny's. nonetheless, both make me face the issue i have in my heart and that's him. sometimes i feel like i have to let him go like i did benj. but you know what? i don't want to now. and i never wanted to before. i will wait the rest of my life for him. i will go on and love others i'm sure. but he's it for me. i'm 99% sure of it. maybe we will never get our shit together. maybe we will always be leaving. but no matter what, i'm lucky to have been in his presence. i'm lucky that he even glances at me. and he's lucky that i care... and as it's looking right now, that i will always care.

he gets my thoughts and regards, but i'm not focused on him. and that was another part of my resolution. yes, he makes me happy. but there are plenty of other things that make me happy around here. like concerts with my sister and a full-week vacation planned for the first time since i was 10. and ... and this is gonna make me sound whore-y ... but there's other guys that make me happy too. even in the corny innocent ways, there's still a smile on my face when i hit the pillow. so guess what? it does make me feel better. he's not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere yet. live in just today - oh my god there's another one. this life is not so bad when you just take it one day at a time - ok i have to cut this shit out now.

2008 is now in full effect.

so day 1 - i was sick. not too bad. but i was not happy about it... but day 2 has included a new dallas green song, edy's mint chocolate chip ice cream and the most favorite part of my day: i brought home avenged sevenfold. thank god. all of which i am slighty in love with. still have a cold, but it's much easier to deal with when you're so excited about future.

and this is the year i see alexisonfire / city & colour live. i saw them do two songs at warped and then passed out so that doesnt count. i've seen dal, george, and wade at a bats show, but again, doesn't count. i love them dearly. more than previously even. so i'm gonna try my best to make it happen.

08 has to be better. it just has to. because i don't think i can make it if it isn't.