how my heart behaves.

we leave for california in less than a month... well hopefully. and really it is a trip to LA. we are landing in LAX. we are stayin in LA [or very close to it]. but i reallllllllllllly want to take a day out and hit up Huntington Beach. at first i thought it was an excellent possibility with public transportation. now i hear that's it close to an hour drive. i don't give a fuck if its a 4 hour drive, i still want to go. that's really all i want to do. well outside of LA. in LA, i'm sure we will be doing lots of fabulous shopping and dining. and visiting the santa monica pier but i wanna see PCH. i wanna walk the streets that i've heard some of my favorite people talk about for like 5/6 years now. i wanna point and go "oh that's the place where ____". i want to lay around and go for long walks on the beach. i want to smell, taste, touch the pacific ocean. that doesn't happen in LA. but most of all, i just want to be apart of something bigger than me. i want to feel like "this is where i belong." maybe not permanently. maybe not for the rest of my life. but just for a day, just for an hour, i want to feel what it's like to not live in a shit hole. what it's like to walk around a city and see more sand than pavement. and maybe just pretend that there's still hope in the world.

i'm holding no expectations for this trip. hell at this point, i'm not even expecting this trip will happen. i'm hoping, praying and wishing. it would be nice to see joel while we are there. it would be nice to see josh while we are there. it would be nice to see my HB [if] we are there. it would be nice to eat at the Ivy with lindsay fuckin lohan while we are there. but all of that doesn't even matter to me honestly. i want to just go on a plane again. i want to have butterflies in my stomach. i want to have all my things packed. i want to feel independent. i want to get away from this state of pain, anger and disappointment in me. i don't want to be tied down. i don't want to worry about if chris is gonna be somewhere. i don't want to worry about what i say or can't say. i don't want to worry if i have under eye circles or if i look fat. i just want to fucking live and be happy with my best friend.

because my bulletins don't work.

Are you slowl​y drift​ing away from someo​ne close​?​
yeah, a few. some i hate it. and some i have to let it happen for my own good.



Who is someo​ne you'​d like to fix thing​s with?​
Benj and Chris... but ironically enough, i'd be more comfortable seeing Benji right about now. just too much stuff there with Chris.




Has anyon​e ever told you you have prett​y eyes?​
all the time... but does it count if they are hittin on you? haha



What have you learn​ed latel​y?​
to livee​ee.​ and to love myself.





Do you trust​ peopl​e too easil​y or not enoug​h?​
i don'​t trust​ at all.





What'​s the color​ of the soap in your showe​r?​
dove white.

​



Do you ever bite your lip?
when i'm turned on.





When was the last time you cried​ reall​y,​ reall​y hard?​
oh shit i dunno. which is a really good feeling.

​


Are you tickl​ish?​
super​.

​


Do you ever keep argui​ng even when you know you'​re wrong​?​
yeahh​hh,​ I alway​s win someh​ow too. i'm too stubborn.





What are you liste​ning to?
i was listening to Linsday Lohan hahaha now it's Simple Plan.





Is there​ someo​ne you want to fight​?​
no, not really. wouldn't mind slappin around some people though. It's more Ericka's fight than mine but I can't stand the bitch either.




Are you missi​ng anyon​e?​
defin​itely​ missin some familiar faces.

​


Where​ do you wish you were right​ now?
Huntington Beach, California.

​


Ever found​ lyric​s to a song that almos​t exact​ly descr​ibes you?
all the time. usually it's City & Colour or Morrissey/The Smiths.




Who were the last peopl​e you ate lunch​ with?​
last Friday, with my bestest Meghan Leigh.

​


Was yeste​rday a good day?
eh. Smackdown could've been better.





What are you looki​ng forwa​rd too?
motherfucking June. Dad in the car today was like "so you are leaving in a month?" and my heart stopped for a second haha


Somet​hing you need to do?
homework.




How was this weeke​nd?​
it's ok.





Have any plans​ for the weeke​nd?​
avenged on MTV2 tonight then working out. and papers all afternoon tomorrow.

​
​


Where​ is the perso​n you like right​ now?
that should be 'people' haha and they are both in HB... well that I know of, they are leaving pretty soon though.





Last time you consu​med alcoh​ol?​
last night.

​


Do you like your life as of now?
yeah. i don't have too many complaints.

​



How'​s your heart​ latel​y?​
​pretty damn good. its clearing up some space.





Ever kisse​d someo​ne who smoke​s?​
yes.





How old are you right​ now?
21.





Did you have a good birth​day this year?​
my birthday is October 16th.





Have you ever been calle​d a tease​?​
hahaha allllllll the time. and i am a cock tease, i've embraced it. you aint gettin in between these thighs.





Where​ are you going​ on vacat​ion next?​
CALIFORNIAAAAAAAAAAA [knows how to party.]



Three​ days from now will you be in a relat​ionsh​ip?​
ummmm, why am i thinkin no? haha someone flyin to me Australia in the next three days?



Is there​ anyon​e who doesn​'​t like you becau​se of somet​hing you didn'​t even do?
I don'​t know, I don'​t care.

​



Do you like your first​ name?​
I love it.




Do you like to cuddl​e?​
oh yeah. i'm a spooner.





Do you have any sibli​ngs?​
meghan. but ryan and kate get honorable mention too. close enough. katy calls me her 'god sissy' haha i don't even know what that means but it's cute.





Close​ in age?
megson is my age. kate is 11. and ryan is...17? i dunno he's graduating this year and we are both libras, so i think so haha


Where​ will you live when you'​re older​?​
definitely to be determined. was toronto. now who the fuck knows. someone find me a PR job with the Lakers hahaha oh god, my dream job.

​



Who was last to comme​nt you?
Meg and Ericka... i approve my comments so it was at the same time haha​



Three​ words​ to expla​in why you last threw​ up?
just one: sick.





Where​ did your last hug take place​?​
i don'​t remem​ber.​ i think​ in Meg's car?



Has someo​ne of the oppos​ite sex ever told you they loved​ you, and meant​ it?
nope.

​



Do you plan on movin​g out withi​n the next year?​
nahhh.​ I still got RIT to get through.





Where​ is your fathe​r right​ now?
living room, on the computer.





Do you love anyon​e?​
oh, many. many don't even know.

​



Does a kiss make you feel bette​r?​
if it's from a hot dude sure.





Do you start​ the water​ befor​e you get in the showe​r or when you get in?
when i get in.





Who was last perso​n to call you?
i dunno, someone i didn't know. that's why its a missed call haha



Where​ is your cell phone​?​
sitting beside me on the nightstand.





What can you do with $71?
keep Matt busy................ at first i didn't mean that to sound sexy but yeah, that too ;]



Are you smiling?
after that last question, yes haha



Are you drinking anything?
coffee.





What was the last thing you purchased?
Syn Gates camo hat last night.





What are you wearing right now?
Chanel V neck and my comfy jeans.





Look down, what do you see?
cleavage hahaha



Something on your mind?
if MAC makes a mineral powder foundation?



Happy this shit is over?
whatever, i'm still bored haha

i'm such a fuckin nerd sometimes

i mean honestly, it's kind of freaking me out that i like two brothers haha no less twin brothers. i HATEEEEEEEE whenever girls who "want" them speak of them and it's always in pairs like "i love the berrys" or "Matt and Jason" this. then i realize I'M ONE OF THOSE GIRLS!

i am well aware that they are separate people. granted for me, it's more because i don't care which one i get i suppose hahaha maybe i'll let them choose. yeah, maybe that's what my brain is thinking... or maybe it just likes the option of both at different times. it's really a win win. jason i think is more outgoing and loud and funny as fuck... good for a party or hanging out. but matt is more like the guy i can bring home to dad and won't embarrass me in front of meghan. too bad my subconscious doesn't like the option of threesomes with brothers hahaha

ewww - honest to god, yes it freaks me out. you wouldn't think so with the mind i have but, yes definitely does. and if its gonna be a threesome, you know one of them is gonna be matt sanders hahaha i'm not a fangirl, i don't hate val, i don't google his phone number, i don't know his favorite color. but whatever, the dude is hot. and if i'm having thoughts about wild sex, shadows is in there. i'm not a bad person... honestly! haha

but to sum up my point...


and jason's face is like that becauseeeeeeee:

AUTOGRAPHS?! all of a sudden i feel like less of a freak hahaha pictures with sexy, funny men... maybe. AUTOGRAPHS OF ROADIES? ummm no. if i'm going home from an A7X show with sharpie stains on my arms its gonna be phone numbers; mmmm k?

ohhh PS - Matt has the Misfits' Vans Slip Ons, but Jason has Famous Stars and Straps hats; NOT EVEN PERSONAL STYLE IS GONNA HELP ME DECIDE! jesus christ, i feel like i'm having an election of my own in November.

ya know i make ya wanna...

soooo many sweaty biceps, so little time...
even zack, whut up stud?!

oh and who is this creature?

mmm hmmmmmm.
*& for meghan's future reference* - that's jason hahaha
oh my god, i am such a whore. i have these thoughts about him and his brother. at least it's not at the same time... yet. then we might really be in trouble.

things.

-safari makes everything look so much more prettier haha thank you apple/mac
-the lakers swept those bastards in colorado [meghan knows how i feel about that state hahaha]
-the first half of this day was just horrible. a lot of crying. a lot of being antisocial. a lot of just plain discontent. but the second half was so much better. maybe because i had things to do to keep my mind off of it. like the yankees [who also won btw], then How I Met Your Mother which is always entertaining, then RAW [which most of that was spent talking to Ericka via MySpace about it at the same time shit was happening], then the lakers winning... then
-i got lurked by jason hahahahaha thank good for my boobies. well this weekend, i commented him and was like "mmm hmm; look at those sexy biceps!" [hahaha i'm incapable of lying] and he hasn't been on since around 9. and i noticed that my page views went up. but i didn't get my hopes up cuz it was the same time i was talkin with Ericka. and i got so distracted that i forgot about it... untilllllll i noticed he was online again. 2x in a few hours for JB is pretty astounding haha i've been on the same time as him before and it's very quick on and offs. but this time, he didn't add anyone, or apparently read his messages [this was what i learned from a comment - i don't know his email no less guess a password to hack him haha]. so yeah... does nothing on myspace... except lurk me and others. i love it hahaha oh and i know this because of my "tracker" HB views, same time he was on and my myspace page views changed too at the same time.

usually something doesn't work but it did tonight, which i guess was a real blessing because... i so needed it today. i'm such a nerd and i let lil things make me happy. but it doesn't take much to put a smile on my face. not at all. and thinking about this man:

thinking about me? [to the left] it makes me smile. yes yes it does. shut up hahaha

oh and just to be super kinda whorish...


first one, JB and... fan?
second one, Matt and... fan?

and what does that equal for Sam?
seeing how similar they are, being unable to choose one flat out for personality/humor/traits, and thinking both are god damn adorable... even with people that they don't know haha

something tells me i'm gonna sleep very well.

love lost.

Luke: Anybody here? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute? It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow... killed people in the war and got drunk... and chewed up municipal property and the like. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right.
[Gets on knees, closes eyes and begins to pray]
Luke: On my knees, asking.
[Peeks up with one eye, waits. Then opens eyes and crosses arms]
Luke: Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case.
[Clicks tongue]
Luke: Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way.

my favorite movie is cool hand luke, the hustler, or cat on a hot tin roof. i can't pick one because they are all equally amazing. but cool hand luke has been on a lot lately... and i like to think there's a reason for it.




Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far
I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

my favorite band right now is avenged sevenfold. non stop. and when i got to urge to cry i said to myself "just put on A7X". the first song windows media chose was 'afterlife'. i'd like to think there's a reason for it.


right now it's april 27th. the time span between now and tomorrow, april 28th, i will be a motherfucking mess. excuse my language, but it really is how to best describe it. on thursday, april 28th, 1994, my grandfather died. i was 7 years old. i'm 21 now. and it feels like it happened yesterday. even to this day. as strong as i think i am, i'm breaking down. i always do. he was not only my grandfather, he was my best friend, he was my mentor, he was my father, he was my babysitter, he was my teacher, he was my little league batting coach, he was my horse trainer, he was my provider, he was my everything. he was my hero. and to this very minute as i lay in bed, in my room, with my dog sleeping soundly next to me, i haven't been home since he left. i miss him more than any other person i have ever encountered. i miss his laugh and his smile and his broken nose and wise green eyes and his hugs more than i could ever say and more than i could ever have words to say.

i want sooo much to be saved. or maybe i just want so much to have someone who wishes they could save me. i've become so fucking numb the past few years of my life in terms of love and relationships. and i don't know how that happened. my father says he married his soulmate. my grandfather used to write my grandma love letters even after she died... what happens if i get none of that - ever. i can't handle being my aunt marie. with all her anger and jealously at everyone else except herself. and i won't.

i always turn to men. my first instinct was to watch cool hand luke on AMC today because Paul Newman [even now] looked so much like my grandfather. and his character is my grandpa to a tee. never back down, never surrender. you can never tell him to stay down even if you could beat him, you could never defeat him. and that was my papa. the first man i ever put on a pedestal. the first man that loved me without any judgment. the first man that i cried the whole night for. the first man to shatter my heart completely. some people just never learn.

that transcript up there was the last scene of the movie. luke is in a church when he's speaking to "the big guy". that was where he died in the end.

the lyrics are from sevenfold's song 'afterlife'. which stuck me on just as many cords as my favorite movie. my grandfather was my place of peace and light and i hope that i get to see him again when i leave this place. that is really the only thing we live for isn't it? that our afterlives are better than the ones we live now. i don't care at all about what happens to me, i just want to see my papa again. please God, just let me see my papa again.

that picture above the lyrics of matt sanders..... that's my hero and image of strength now. hard to believe, right? i can talk more freely about this and him now that meghan knows. i remember the first time i saw him, even in all his gorgeousness i thought "oh my god, he has amazing eyes." he has the same color eyes as my grandpa. bright green with a light yellow encircling them. sometimes i just wonder where would i be if i didn't have the feeling of empowerment that him and his best friends have given/gave me. the only way i keep from not being on meds or the feeling that i want to kill someone or hurt myself, is by music. only his music as of late. not only avenged but bleeding through as well. i still can't talk to scheppati either. but to be honest, Brandan reminds me more of my father. the typical italian look ya know? dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin. i love my dad, but he really has no idea what i do in my free time or in my social life. i told him "dad you wouldn't even recognize your daughter at an avenged sevenfold show." and it was like he already knew, he just smiled and said "i'm sure." they are such a blessing to me. the only reason i'm starting to calm down now is because i'm singing 'a little piece of heaven'.

i started with grandpa covering my eyes when i was a little girl whenever The Undertaker came on and did the eye thing. i didn't want to look. it scared me to look. now i try to do it myself. figuring out how he does it. even this friday during smackdown, i tried haha the past and the present really isn't that far apart for some things.

it's alright to feel the way i feel, it's better than not feeling anything at all.

RIP papa, i love you more and more everyday. i hope you are with grandma and uncle noko, watching the horses or finally seeing frank sinatra in concert. i'll be up there eventually and you can teach your little dolly all the things i need to learn most. you are my only hope in humanity. everyone else is just human. i might have my favorites but you will forever be alone on my pedestal.

----------------
Listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Afterlife

this is the

coolest fuckin thing i've ever created.

so proud of myself.
all together, i'd say it took about 4/5 hours to make? like coming up with the coding was the hardest part haha i love the leopard print behind the headers - gives it an extra sexiness to it. i don't know if the background makes sense but whatever. i like it. ericka said she liked it - granted she was the first one to see it and is featured in it hahaha but still. i know her well enough already that if she didn't like it she would have told me. she's honest and bold like that.

i don't know how long the top is lasting though.
honestly... it scares me a lil hahahaha

come closer...

i have a secret to tell you...

i love this website!
hulu.com - FREE, FULL episodes, EVERY show i love or loved, can be added to ANY website, and with few or NO commercials. and it's completely legit so no one can try and delete it from under you like youtube does.

and they just added "How I Met Your Mother" - i'm in heaven.

i mean seriously... look at this list: http://www.hulu.com/browse/network/tv

prison break, the office, HIMYM, the bad girls club!, dirt, back to you... even wrestling! urghhh all my guilty pleasures... wentworth, john, jason and bitches hahaha

ok bedtime, more viewing tomorrow.

sometimes...

i don't know why i do things. but something told me to view rachael's blog entitled "my friends"... and her 10 people she chose for this survey were none i knew.

fine. awesome. to be expected.

then i decided to look at her older ones, and thats where the real disappointment and anger and frustration took hold. having ones in 05 like "hanging at samies with her and meggy." or seeing comments i left her that ended in "i love you". or blog comments from 05 from meghan like "i hope i get to see you over the summer! <3 Meggy Megson" and kristel even saying that she loved her and to keep her chin up. and now rach has the audacity to ask her if she even knows her?!?! and it just came out and i started crying. even yesterday, a few tears came out when i saw evan's new pix because i thought "he should have an aunt sam." she never had a fuckin clue. it has always been and will always be rachael, rachael, rachael. and i'm fuckin sick of it. i deleted her off my buddy list and made it private. when may comes around we are doing absolutely nothing besides getting my fucking shoes back. fuck it. i'm so sick of convenient friends.

i mean, i have jenna in cali-fuckin-fornia telling me that she wants to meet me because of how much i inspire her and even though i'm 3000 miles away something about me radiates. i have ericka and jenny who i write like pages and pages of feelings and shit to this past week and will get pages and pages back just because they understand and can relate and fuckin share. even though jenna is 25 and jenny/ericka is 17, it doesn't matter because they care enough to be nice to me... hell, even more than nice. jesus fuckin christ, i even commented dave tryin to be funny asking him to teach me how to be metal and he comments back "perhaps when you are out here." the thought of hangin with the dear and departed alone was enough to make me smile/laugh. and yet, all of those messages or feelings don't even begin to compare to my best friend. i can't sleep at night unless we've said 'nite, love ya' s. i do not ask for much. and it doesn't take much to win me over.

i'm such a smart girl, but i'm such a sucker for trying to be nice to her. partially because i blame myself. partially because i think she needs a friend. but she doesn't. she would have noticed wayyyy before now how loyal i am, just like meghan tells me i am like every birthday or thanksgiving or christmas. i'm not a jealous person. i'm not a dramatic person. fuck, i'm not even a sad person anymore. but there's something about rachael that just makes me want to put a baseball bat to her skull.

over it.

4 am. bedtime and making a new layout with meg's ideas in it tomorrow. fuck you. i'm a dork. and i enjoy making shit that requires me lookin at HB dudes for hours on end. at least someone sees it and tells me they appreciate it. at least i don't have a one year old kid, fat ass, bird nose, sagging tits or a deadbeat baby daddy. ohh ok, that was a lil mean. i will retract that previous sentence.

fuck, i'm such an angry person inside. one of these days... just watch the fuck out. i need a good laugh to make me feel like i'm not such a terrible person. to feel light and easy going again. cuz right now, i'm just stressed, >:|

better...

than before.
than most.


off.
<3

i had a waterloo view today... and i had to feel nothing.

80 Things You Might Not Know About Me


Whats your middle name?
Alma, after Grandma

How big is your bed?
Big enough ;]

How is the weather right now?
chilly.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
dad?

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
I think their clothing and eyes.

Favorite type of Food?
italian. or chinese!

Do you want children?
In the future, maybe.

Do you drink?
only when i need to.

Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
nah. portions - yes lol

Hair color?
natural? light brown. right now - red/brownish.

Eye color?
greenish brown.

Do you wear contacts/glasses?
no, I want colored contacts though.

Favorite holiday?
i'm too old to have a favorite.

Favorite Season?
Probably Spring thru Fall.

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
hahahaha no never *eye roll*

Last Movie you Watched?
No Country for Old Men -- wtf?!

What books are you reading?
Glamour. Vogue. Nylon.

Piercings?
2x ears...if i wear them.

Favorite Movies?
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof...and really any other with Paul Newman.

Favorite college football team?
Oh, I don't care about college sports.

What were you doing before filling this out?
Checking in with my Styled myspace

Any pets?
Bubbies<3

Dogs or cats?
both please; and horses; and pandas; and dolphins.

favorite flowers?
lilies!

Who would you like to see right now?
...i don't even want to say. [refer to plane question]

Have you ever fired a gun?
Yup.

Do you like to travel by plane?
YESSSSSSS - woot June will be the next trip

Right-handed or Left-handed?
Righty.

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
...i don't even want to say this either. [refer to plane question]



and i definitely counted and theres 26 questions listed, not even close to 80.
stupid myspace.

you know who you are.

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.

I opened up my life to you
I've told you everything I knew
You listened so close
You listened so close when love was just a way out

But you're going deaf now
Yeah you've turned your head around

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

You blew up the world I built for us
Destroyed our secret universe
Threw out the trust I put in you
Making me feel like I'd been used

And now I'm reminded
That I was just blinded.

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

I'm doing fine, you'll be alright
Maybe you'll think of me tonight...
You're doing fine, I'll be alright
Just give me time, yeah...

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
I don't want to hear you're doing fine
Don't wanna hear I'm without you now.

I'm without you now


We are both without you now. It is better this way. Not like you give a shit. I'm trying not to notice things. Things that used to make me smile or giggle, things that now make me roll my eyes or scrunch my eyebrows. I'm learning to change even thinking about them. These relationships that I never even had... maybe because there weren't any chances. Or maybe because those chances ran out. It's ok; it's ok; it's ok. Nothing ever comes easy for me, but that's fine. That's how I learn. See all the men I seem to be tied to have one thing in common -- the road. For some reason, that's who I'm attracted to, since I was what 15? They are always leaving, or I am always leaving. That may be the problem, but I don't care. They aren't the problems with my heart/brain/gut, it's me. And I need space. I can handle long times apart, girls, drunks, trouble, what have you. I'm not jealous, or needy, or dramatic. What I can't handle is being lied to. What I can't handle is putting him a pedestal. No matter how gorgeous, no matter how sweet, no matter how strong - they are all human. They are going to make mistakes, and I can respect that because I make mistakes too... we all do. But I feel I need something now. And I always make something out of nothing, so I think I'm ready for makin another round of this shit haha

jaded.

it's safe to say, i have a lot on my plate. and i mean on any regular wednesday. not when my stress level is up, not when something's due. every single day. growing up means learning how to deal with every day as it comes in a healthy way. i've been an adult since i was seven. death doesn't really effect me anymore. tears don't really effect me anymore. sometimes i just feel dead inside. or numb. or comatose. dad never used to cry. i can't remember the last time i saw him cry. these past two months, he cries every time my mom has a seizure. every. time. and he can't even learn how to use his bank card without me. and i just don't the patience. today after my mom had the seizure, he started crying. right at the hospital. and my first thought was "jesus christ, get over it". and i was appalled with myself. i had a few tears fall too, but not like crazy sobbing... and i'm a crier [ask meghan].
i just don't know how to deal with things anymore. i feel bad for mom, my first thought is always about her. and it's usually "this poor woman." because there's nothing else i can do for her. but his crying fits as of late, just make me roll my eyes. i'm a horrible person. i must be. i remember when i was a little girl, i used to cry for every one. like he cried. he used to tell me: "you're gonna do this everytime?"
all of his uncles have/had alzheimer's. i think grandpa died before he would have gotten it to. i remember when his Uncle Don used to cry from just seeing his daughter from Jersey. Dad always said the disease makes you: "once a man, twice a boy."

i can't handle Mom's MS getting worse.
i can't handle a boy.
i can't handle me thinking about either of those.

"you do what you have to"
...i don't know what i have to do, so please don't tell me another cliche like that. drinking doesn't help. getting laid isn't going to help. therapy doesn't work. pills don't work.

rubbish.

hahahaha oh horoscope

"A lover's attentions make you feel like you're walking on air. They will do anything to make you happy."

haha lover? wow astrology you were wayyyy off on this one. although, i did make a new layout and people like it, so that makes me feel good. but lover? no. not in the least. i forgot how to fuckin spell the word 'boyfriend'.

tell the promoter

we need Morrisseys, we just sold out all the floor seats.
lovin Estelle's song "American Boy" ft. Kanye. she's been around awhile and am really surprised that she hasn't hit it big in the US before now, but that's ok. we all get out 15 minutes eventually. or so they say.

i think i'm getting sick and getting my period. double dose of misery. but i'm in a good mood. lot of things on my mind lately however: my one american boy, english boy, old canadian boy; TD&D telling me they appreciate my site; making banners for that site; what else i should be doing; due dates; how i'm eating; considering bikini waxes; wearing swimsuits in the most superficial state in the country; having three zits on my face; being in desperate need of a dye job; needing desperate need of a haircut but it not being long enough; working my abs more; not working my abs enough; seeing the used - or not seeing them if its sold out; my dog needing a bath; my bed being made only on weekends; needing new curtains; wanting new shoes and to see a shitload of movies that are out on video, at the theater or coming out; and thinking about when spring break is.

just a lot of thoughts... not necessarily worries yet. oh well, such as a woman's life right?

until further notice...

matt is the winner.

he's just so fuckin cute. with those big, brown eyes and that shy smile. i can't help it anymore. not to mention the tanned body that's under that hoodie... now there's somethin to think about. plus i know some pretty god damn annoying 14-year-olds who ask to hug him and get pictures with him every chance they get and yet, they all still say he's the sweetest guy ever. and, i keep dreaming about him. which is weird but, hey, maybe there's a reason for it. still ain't weirder than askin for a hug from a dude you don't know. fuck. some chick actually said that jason was the favorite of the band and he was the favorite with the ladies hahaha i doubt the guys sit there and rank em but he certainly got this lady's attention.

yup, in summary, keeper...
or at least, keeper of my thoughts when i'm not busy worrying about my life.

[boredom causes these stupid posts, forgive me. maybe if i get bored enough i'll post some pix. not so much for your benefit, but more to satisfy my eyes haha (or subconscious perhaps?)]

i get so

[...distracted
by some peoples reactions
that i don't see my own faults
for what they are

at times so self destructive
with no intent on molding
but behind this emotion,
there lies a sensible heart

i hope to learn as time goes by
that i should trust what's deep inside
burning bright, oh burning bright
my sensible heart]


i'm in love with good ideas. which i guess is a good start. hopefully, they will lead into good plans and good actions. but if my life could tell you anything, it's that that isn't true. i always have good intentions, but they never seem to turn out the way i want them to. a lot of the time, its of no one's fault... and other's its of no ones fault but my own.

a lot of people mean more to me than they should. those are the reactions that distract me most. but at least i know, they are good people. people who would give you the shirt off their back. people with good hearts and good intentions, just like me.

even in 08, there have been more people, more opinions/judgments than i would have thought that i would care about. some of them i don't know [them as people and/or their judgments], but i want to. even if those judgments are about me. people like harlow and her uncle josh and dallas and dan and darren and david and zacky and matt and jason and danny and jenna and scotty and sam and keith... and so on and so forth. i could go on forever. but because they don't know that they impact me, doesn't mean i forget about the usual suspects. maybe they impact me through other people, like meghan or joel or avenged or the bats, but what ever it is, i have no reason to deny i think about them. hell, i dream about 90% of the people i just listed for christ's sake. sometimes i want to punch some of them in the face. sometimes i want to hug some of them silly.

coffee tastes better strong and bold. maybe i'll taste better too. as a child, i hated coffee. i thought it tasted bitter, but i just needed to add more sugar than dad would allow me to have. as we grow, our tastes change. doesn't mean we have abandoned them completely, just different now. sometimes i like my coffee black, sometimes i like it with lots of hazelnut creamer and sugar until it gets to a soft beige color. some days are black, some days are beige. but they are all worth living and learning and loving. there's more out there for me than i think i realize. i think there's more out there for you than we all realize.


----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - Sensible Heart

does this make me a bad person?

he would say, 'yes'. but then again, he would say yes even if i didn't laugh... which i did... a few times.

-------

on to a much more serious [but not exactly unrelated] note:
i had an epiphany / breakdown yesterday. things changed. i changed. it's more than just "keeping my options open." and it's more than just "figuring it out." this is my life we are talking about here, and i don't take that lightly. however, it's ok. and i'll be fine. i've learned to put me first. i've learned that i am a good person. i've learned that i'm human. i've learned that i am as pretty as people say i am - and accepting that compliment doesn't mean i'm cocky. i regret lots of things, and the goal here is not to let that happen again. it's the end of an era for me. i'm a big girl now, and big girls have to let go and face reality.

goodbye chris, meg and i will probably see you around. but in the mean time, keep your head up gorgeous.

the only constant.

So I'll cross my heart
And hope to die
Before I have a chance to lie
To you my dear
Who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray
Before too long
So please forgive me...

i stray because i keep looking. looking for possibilities. what you won't give me. or at least what you don't have the balls to tell me you can give me. the need, want, desire to be cuddled and kissed on the forehead. in my daydreams, in my real dreams. i hate it. i am not your typical girl. i don't get consumed with this shit... but i want it. and that's me being honest. i just want love. i don't want a husband. i don't want babies. i want late night talks with that voice that makes my bottom lip quiver. i want blushing and giggling more than 4x a year. fuck, what is wrong with me. i never wished anyone harm. not you and not me. this is the hardest feeling i think i've ever had to deal with on a daily basis, so i don't deal with it. god i hate this shit. i ignore it and push and push and push it back until i realize how much i fuckin miss it and it brings me to the brink of becoming a mess. but i never let it get that far. because if i breakdown, everything else around me breaks down. and i can't let that happen. i'm a boiling kettle with the lid on... i let a little seep out then the lid goes back on again and everything is fine for awhile... we will see how long.

change of pace

1% milk instead of whole
sun chips instead of sour cream & onion
tuna on rye instead of bean and cheese burrito


moderation.


we will see how long this lasts. i'm sick of looking like the Pillsbury dough girl when i poke my stomach. i finally got rid of those muffins above your jeans, you know? all i eat is tuna lately, and cereal, thats the given. i mean, i'm a vegetarian how much more healthy crap can i eat? but i want to look good. i think i look alright, but i want to look good, not m.shadows with tits - just a lil somethin somethin extra. so this is the next step i believe: http://www.benderball.com/whatyouget.asp. but i think i'm gonna ebay first haha 10 bucks is cheap already but you never know with my favorite site in the world.

ok. back to work. that's all for now.

2-n-1

there are some people that never ask for help. there are some people that don't want to burden you with their grief. there are some people that need you most and never tell you so... i am one of those people.

i'm popping tums like acid. little sleep. my nails are bitten off and the sides bleeding. i've had more alcohol than coffee lately. and i feel nauseous when i stand up. really stressful, horrible week. mom's 57th birthday is tomorrow, and she's spending it in the ER. i have a 4 page essay due march 29th by 11.59pm, that i have only started an intro for. it's snowing on march fucking 27th. and i just found out my favorite HB boys will be in south america and asia in june, so they won't be back in OC until about, um, september.

oh and to top off feelings i am trying too hard to suppress:

facebook leaves me this lovely tad bit of information.
thanks assholes.

---

Were you happy when you woke up?
not at all.

How is life going for you right now?
not good

When was the last time you went out to dinner?
do drinks and apps count? that was about a week ago.

What are you doing right now?
not what i'm supposed to

What color is your shirt?
white

Who was the last person you talked to?
dad about hiring someone to shut up jose conseco

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a M?
my ex... and Matt would be nice, but like thats gonna happen.

Would you get married if you could right now?
nahhh

What's the best feeling you've ever had?
october 21st 05?/06? - i've never been that happy.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
dad.

Are you in a good mood?
not at all.

The last person you argued with?
myself.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
WARM.

Is any part of your body sore?
stomach.

What do you wear more jeans, sweatpants, or slacks?
i'm in my jeans right now... and i'm in bed.

What is the last thing you ate?
Pizza Hut.

Plans for this weekend?
my fingers are crossed that they include alcohol

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
probably not. i'd be friends with JLo. fuck me.

Where did you sleep last night?
my bed.

What's your biggest regret?
today nothing, in life a few.

Whos your last text from?
myspace telling me jenna left me an amazing comment.

Favorite type of music?
loud and aggressive. or slow and honest.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
103.

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
depends on the teams, i love both.

Missing someone right now?
too many.

Write something random.
Darren posted a new D&D blog.

Who is your number one person on your friends list?
Megumi.

Do you like dancing?
yessssss.

Name your favorite pair of shoes?
oh. my. god. do you have a favorite vein?

What's something that bothers you?
the question: what's bothering you?

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
always.

What room are you in?
bedroom.

Do you speak another language other than English?
other than like 5 words in spanish, no.

What made you happy today?
seeing Mum awake.

Are you on the computer?
no i'm doing this telepathically. idiot.

Do you like KFC?
it's not in my contract with John Feldmann.

Whats the most important thing about yourself?
nothing.

Where did your last hug take place?
at the ER.

Did you cry today?
yes, a couple of times.

Are you confused?
the story of my life.

and with you, this is my life.

ILoseHold ILetGo (1:47:51 AM): good luck, get your work done and get some sleep
vivavenom (1:48:02 AM): i thought about going to bed and getting up early since its due by 10am but... you know me
ILoseHold ILetGo (1:48:11 AM): yeah right
vivavenom (1:48:14 AM): i'm more night owl than early riser
ILoseHold ILetGo (1:48:21 AM): 10 am pssh you're still dreaming of naked men
vivavenom (1:48:27 AM): HAHAHAHHAHA



it's funny cuz it's true.

---

oi, i just got all my shit done... two computer crashes later. Dells are not made for the long haul, let. me. tell. you! oh well, my pillow is going to feel like heaven in about 1 minute. long day of homework and cooking and cleaning and more homework. happy frickn easter, where's my damn chocolate bunny?!

i can teach you, but i have to charge.

saw this, laughed, and got to thinking about the opposite sex --

number 1:
my thoughts are being ruled by HB men. i'm sorry. but it's true. at this point... canucks... aren't really there. god that is so weird to say. especially since chris' birthday is coming up. but yet and still, it is true. i'm not saying there's no chance but, let's just say it's slimmer than before. hell, i can't even say when our next trip to toronto is. usually that would be killing me... well, we were flirting with the idea of the Bats CD release show up there in April but ya know what i mean lol

number 2:
it makes me happy that i look at my top friends and see jason and dan hahaha i don't know why, but suddenly, i'm leaving them easter comments like we're old friends... maybe eventually :). but more than likely its just because they are close to matt hahaha [oh that was kind of mean.]

number 3:
these make me smile... big. with some blushing as well:



which you have to admit... is somewhat humorous. the first one is straightedge, fair, tall and skinny. and you got the second one filled with man beef and tans... and yet, they are all friends [darren would just be without the use of the beer bong that's around jason's neck]. oh god bless california hahaha

just goes to show you... i really don't care. my type? single and that is about it. well, the tattoo motif seems to be there quite a bit too... not even gonna like. but its almost sexier when its hidden. both of the above have that going on. i think both have two that i know of [matt:arm and leg; darren:chest and leg]. which is a change of pace for me. in past years its been more like "how much skin is visible?" ok now i'm starting to babble, thats when you know i'm tired. if i start talking your ear off, i'm either pissed, drunk or beat. just the latter for right now.

oh, and PS - my lurking skills are second to none:

i love how pissed off he looks haha and he was wearing pretty much the same exact thing when i saw him. well not the frown though ;) brings back memories of 13 days ago
and Dan! whew, i'm intimidated.

unless

your name is Meghan or Mary, i love this man more than you:


"when everything sucks, there will always be a way to deal with it."

his music is one of the ways i deal with it.
in fact, i don't know where i would be without music. i'm not musically inclined. i've written somethings, my singing is ok, but that's the extent of it. i owe 99% of my friends to music. no matter what i'm feeling inside, music/bands/artists are always how i find my way back. when i had to find my way back from my secret battle, i was empowered by bands like day of contempt, madball, bleeding through, avenged sevenfold, pantera - hell, even the kill decibel during the last few years of my bulimia... you know bands that look like they'd rather kill you than look at you. i think in some ways, with their anger and bodies hard enough to do laundry on, i took that with me. when i worked out, i usually did it to bleeding through. or when i felt like hurting myself, i'd turn up my stereo and blared and screamed along with m.shadows. i also remember getting so upset and putting on day of contempt to make myself feel better and once "shattered dreams and broken hearts" came on, i cried like a baby, it was almost hard to breathe. actually, i got so upset and cried so much i threw up. and i hated it. it was all an accident and i still hated it. that's when i knew, my fight was finally over.

now i still listen to those bands, with the same amount of aggression and admiration, and it's like therapy. i've progressed to less anger [more sarcasm?] with dallas green and morrissey and the dear & departed, but its all the same. that's how i get along. it's all i know how.

going to see those bands live is all i do now it seems. and i absolutely love it. it's better than any drug i've ever tried. having you heart pound to the same beat the rev is pounding on the drums or the same rhythm gates is playing on his guitar... and you just feel like you belong. not to mention, that's usually how i bonded with my best friend. lord knows where i would be without all of those events... but thats a story i've told a million times before and will save for another day.

urgh

i'm not the jealous type of girl.
but some bitches... need to be slapped.

waist vs. waste? honestly, you are retarded. can you even spell S.T.D.? i don't care if you're a size 2 with a tan. you all look the fucking same anyhow. use your motherfucking brain and maybe you will stand out from the rest of the girls. the girls who look like whores or the girls that are whores... what's the difference anymore?

you will never be val.

----------------
Listening to: Feist - I Feel It All

Zooey Deschanel,

I love your voice.
And we all knew I love her style, but this too?

I love her covers of "Dream a Little Dream" and "You've Really Got a Hold on Me" - sounds so old-fashioned, like something Marilyn Monroe sang in Some Like It Hot.

I've got a new girl crush hahaha

ScarJo's album is out soon too, I think in May, with the same kind of vintage songs but her singing ain't as good... but honestly, what do I know?






















PS -- this is what keeps me smiling when I don't even want to wake up in the morning:

Samantha's Life Changing Adventure

This sounds like an American Girl book doesn't it?

I had the most amazing time last night. The best night I've ever had in Rochester I think. And I told that to Synyster Gates this morning too. In fact, this whole day has pretty much me thinking about it haha Especially because [a] I can't get someone's smile out of my head, and [b] everything today has to do with people named Matt, Brian or John. Even right now, I'm flipping through channels and on MTV is "True Life: I'm an Identical Twin".

But back to the matter at hand, you see that picture? That is me content. Completely. And I've never been so content with not meeting a band before in my life haha

The show was amazing. Even after waiting outside for an hour in the frigid cold with ice was worth it. We got in the door and my fingers were blue. But once we got in, it was like a warm rush and it didn't take long to get the blood flowing again. Looking around, I made sure to find the merch table - since A7X has a tendency of having so bad ass choices, even for girls. But this time... I had 20. Shirts were 25 haha But I can tell you what did impress me... the merch guy, Matt! Yow. There was like three dudes back there and were all really busy when Meg and I stopped for a peek. But when we locked eyes, holy Christ, it was one of those heat connection things. But we had to find a spot for Bullet for My Valentine who was going on in like, 10 minutes. After seeing where the main stage area was, we decided to try the balcony. Loved it so much, we stood up there the whole show... well, except for my few trips downstairs to eye fuck my new fling.

Bullet was better than I expected. But Atreyu was amazing. The best time I've ever seen them. Even Alex said it was the best Upstate show they've ever had. Being present for almost all of them, I have to agree. Brandon always makes me want to shred anyhow, but Alex was great too. Plus... gives my eyes the second treat of the night when he took off his shirt. God bless strategically placed tattoos.

And the main event of my night, Avenged. After every song, I said: "Oh my God." I had a smile on my face the whole time. It was the best performance I have ever seen [which I also told Syn lol] I was just in awe the whole time. The pyrotechnics and lights were so amazing from the balcony too. Explosions and fireworks and all kinds of cool shit. Usually we are one of those lil dots down there, so it was a real treat to see everything happen at once. I've never really had an appreciation for the dudes on the side stage before until I saw how much Jason and Dan run around haha They do a good job. And that makes everything else just that much better. It's not just how incredible the guys were, but their crew like lights and techs and so on. It was just... an honor to see them. I was so impressed and so happy. I love them so much more now. I mean, they were always like top 10 favorite bands... but now I'm thinkin more like top 5 haha It better not be another 4 years before I see them again. I don't think I can take it.

dear avenged sevenfold fan,

I’ve been holding this in for awhile...
and I guess because I’ve been getting so excited about seeing them on Monday or because I’ve had a few drinks - but it’s coming out.

And I should say, this is random and it’s not all of you. Most of you are fucking amazing and I can get along with really well. But some of you... are just fucking dumb. And the word ’fan’ probably doesn’t even apply to you...

I realize that the band is not ugly. And that a majority of you are 14 and have your hormones raging. Sometimes its hard to like any artist [or person for that matter] without thinking about them sexually. But Jesus fuckin Christ, if I see one more comment about you wanting Zacky’s fucking babies I am going to throw up like a bulimic in a Vegas buffet.

Anddd speaking of Zacky, I’ll throw Brian in here too, just because they don’t reply to your message doesn’t mean you can get away with calling them a faggot or what have you. Honestly, can you imagine the amount of messages they get on a daily basis? Grow up. It doesn’t mean they hate you. And they sure as hell wouldn’t call you a cunt because you didn’t reply to their fucking MySpace message.

You bitching about how the "preps" all of a sudden started liking the band after Bat Country... really doesn’t make since to us adults. Once you get out of high school, terms like "jock", "prep", etc. are quite juvenile. And you should like that you have something in common with other people. If you and the "preps" help sell out a show, chances are they’re coming back soon.

Oh, and lastly, if I hear you say you "hate" Val, or Michelle, or so on, I’m punching you in the fucking face.


Thank you. Take care of one another.

-Sam.


-------


[EDIT: March 11th, 2008 @ 2.17am]
Bottom line, you haven’t seen a show if you’ve never seen Avenged Sevenfold live. The last time I saw them, was before City of Evil was released, on Warped Tour. And in like four fucking years, they have came so far. Syn on that guitar is like an audio orgasm. In his own right, he is amazing. And don’t get me started on how cool of motherfuckers the rest of the guys are...

I guess what I’m trying to say is: don’t take them for granted. Don’t let their sex appeal over take their talent. Above anything else, just respect them. It might be flattering for Matt to hear how hot he is, but that’s nothing compared to his singing/songwriting/producing. That’s what you’re remembered for.

That’s what I’ll remember when I’m 40 and I have to prove to my kids that I was cool at some point in my life hahaha

i wanna...

I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)
I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)
I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)
I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club)

I’m what you want, I’m what you need
He got you trapped, I’ll set you free
Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally
I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me
It’s going down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries
And every time you think about it you gon’ want some more of me
About to hit the club, make a movie yeah rated R
Pulled up like a trap star,
That's if you have yo regular car
You wanna make love to a thug in the club with his Sice on
87 jeans and a fresh pair of Nikes on
On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor
You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I’m trying go
















i'm so addicted to this song.




just a lil update in the world of sam:

family- good. friends- good. mols- good. grades- good. hair- good. style- good. bank account- good. men... very good! hahaha and i get about 10 of them on monday. so excited. weekend full of cupcakes and my best friend. then starting the week off with some sexy ass men from Huntington Beach. hopefully getting those cupcakes later on.

life... good.

----------------
Listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Second Heartbeat

one big fucking

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You’ll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there are so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It’s just skins and bones
There’s nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can’t make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there are so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I’ll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I’ll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I’ll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I’ll be there for you

If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there are so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
I wish I could save you






...edit.

i'm not going to delete the post below.
and i'm not going to add to it.

i'm not sorry i wrote it. i regret nothing. and if it wasn't for dallas green and tea, i'd be crying hysterically.

quote of the day:

' Aww, Pariasite has to settle for the fat-TER brother. Double ew. '

hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
[i'm sorry josh, but those comments are funn-eh.]

and now on to more news:
hmmm, i think paris banged him too... no wonder he needs a whole stash!

and to the highlight of my day:

woooooooooooooooooo channing. can't wait to see Stop Loss with my girl... maybe she can bring my new BFF too hahaha [more coming after the pix.]





before i talk about meghan... can we talk about those arms? they're so shiny and gorgeous and bada bing. ya know?

ok, so meghan leigh donohue. my BFF. god i hate those internet terms haha [or should i 'LOL']. anyhow, she is positively glowing. not even kidding you. and because of that. i'm positively glowing. she has a crush on this guy she works with. i've heard about him a few times before this but nothing besides how funny he is. all of a sudden, it's how cute he is and how comfortable sher is around him. so after a few weeks, i got to see this boy. his name is keith. he's 19, going to college for business, and his age has nothing to do with it. which is amazing. he's mature and responsible, gets all of his work done ahead of time, respectful, and helpful. that's all i need to know. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch or anything, but i really hopes this one works out. and then... i'll have another BFF hahaha her fave co-workers and i are thinking about taking a trip to canada [so keither can drink hahaha] which i am obviously stoaked about.

as for me, it's been an amazing year so far. my grades might be the best they've ever been. my family is healthy. theres a free simple plan show this thursday at the mall -- my two things favorite things: shopping and canucks. um, the dear and departed is pretty much the loves of my life now. and josh madden likes my eyebows. and avenged sevenfold in 12 days. life is good.

dear josh madden,

i think you are the freshest man ever...honestly! and, i pretty much adore you.

with love,
-sam.


[oh, and i guess for you viewing this, it should be noted that i actually dropped josh that note about 2 minutes ago.]

now view this and see if you can figure out even a half of why i adore him so:


when meg and i hit up the DCMA store in june i hope he's around so i can shower him with hugs and cupcakes. or at least i can give tal (or someone) something to give him haha

[update 2.22.08] Josh loves me and my eyebrows... so flattered right now!

simply

an amazing week.

updates later.

we all knew this was coming...

i hope i'll see you around... eventually.
this is just fuckin silly.
maybe thats all it was... silly.
i will see you again, and 10 bucks says my heart stops again and my breaths shorten and my cheeks get red any my eyes will meet yours and nothing will become of it...
but i'll feel alive and restored to move on.


i think this is the only thing keeping me afloat:

You need not, to climb mountaintops
You need not, to cross the sea
You need not, to find a cure
for everything that makes you weak.

You need not to reach for the stars,
when life becomes so dark
and when the wind
does blow against the grain
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood

when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

If you feel, you paid the price
and your wounds should cease to heal
and everything you love in life,
spins like a winding wheel
if you should wake, to find you're abandoned.
and the road you travel, leads to a dead end

when death creeps in, to play it's part.
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart


no... i am not where i belong. but theres no telling when this could change.

----------------
Listening to: City & Colour - The Girl

you're weighed down, you're full of something... you're underneath it all.

[that is dallas green up there, for you that don't know. he has this amazing album coming out that touches me... and this person is one i adore dearly. if you see quotes here... they are his words -- highlighting my thoughts.]



i miss my old friends. i miss sue, rachael, sarah, rachel, danielle, anthony. hell even my ex on occassion. toronto has hit me hard tonight. thinking about the silverstein show with rob also being there... the bats show earlier in the week with gallows that people are posting pictures of. making me miss getting/giving hugs from rob, scotty and liam :/ bumming me out. i haven't seen them since june -- honestly, thats just wrong. thinking a lot about chris too. i haven't seen his face in so long. i hope he's ok. i hope he's happy. i also hope i get to see his smile soon, i miss it.

' no i am not where i belong.'

truth is, i really should be doing other things, papers, quizzes, extra credit papers and quizzes. i know this... yet i don't care. i feel like losing myself in his words because he says such things i can't. or perhaps its all that i won't. i don't know where i'm going with this.

'my nerves will be the death of me i know.'

yes, dal, yes. i don't want to seem lazy, i am not. i'm too ambitious, anxious, too much of a thinker. i want so much for myself and never settle. i have high standards for me but i feel like i don't know what i want anymore. i just don't know how to start. it used to be toronto, after all this college crap. now i don't know. maybe it's doubt. i feel like i'm standing still. and i'm not scared of many things. i embrace change. but i'm scared to death of the fall. now i want to go where they say. just so i'm not alone. 2.5 hours away from my family, not bad. but all i need is a city.

'all the worries occupies the back of my mind... could it be this misery will suffice?'

maybe i'll move to niagara falls instead-still in new york, only hour away from my family. maybe new york city since i love it there but 6.5 hours away. maybe virgina with meghan. maybe los angeles and work for the lakers or the dodgers... i don't know if those are options or dreams. at this point, the latter i think.

'when the wind does blow against the grain, you must follow your heart.'

so many things i want to say. mouth open, nothing coming out. i really miss being in a relationship. if not for anything else, its for talking at 3am when everyone else is sleeping and my insomnia keeps me up. for him relating to me, with ease. that's all i really need: conversation. hearing his voice, the voice that makes me smile. that's all i long for.

'you don't ask for no diamond ring. no delicate string of pearls. that's why i wrote this song to sing, my beautiful girl.'

i think love is overrated. but i think i need it to keep me afloat. i don't ask for much. just a talk over tea will do. fuck, i'll take via webcam. yet, i can name about three men/relationships that if i just spoken up, they could've been "it"... well, potentially. i'm no good at dating. i don't think i'm that good at being subtle either, but maybe to them i am. i try to be more forthright and nothing seems to come of it later on. i want to vomit if i hear another: "but he wasn't the right person." so where might he be? on the other side of the country? or in a different country? is he a canuck? he in london? or new zealand? perhaps the north fucking pole? i love too easily. am hurt too often - that hasn't changed in 21 years.

'there's no need to rush, we're all just waiting...'

my eyes are filling up now. i better stop. i always knew i was my own worst enemy. i don't want to talk about the past, present, or future anymore for right now. what's coming will be bright for me. it has to be; because i can't survive entirely in the dark anymore.

-------------------------------------------------

and thats all i am now. all i've came down to is a simple mix of lyrics and thoughts. too many of both. usually it's morrissey. but for the moment, i am sharing at least a brain cell with mr.green.









----------------
Listening to: City And Colour - Waiting

' oh listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain

- telling me just what a fool i've been. '


my dad used to sing that song when i was growing up. and for some reason whenever i hear the rain fall, i can hear him singing that line. i imagine as time goes on that memory will be getting more precious.

but this is not the time for sob stories. which was definitely not to be expected because i spent most of my morning thinking about how i'm missing my bats in toronto. but i had a fabulous day. i mean technically, the day has ended already but for the moment i'm still stuck in yesterday.

i got a hundred on my latest english quiz.
i got a free GRANDE starbucks bold coffee.
my hair was absolutely perfect in a gisele bundchen, sex pot way, well minus everything that is good about her life.
but most of all, i was cleaning and found my mom's old pictures.

some were from niagara falls, virgina beach, lake george - just little trips her and my dad took by themselves. they turned into each other's best friends. and they were just...perfect. she was perfect. not that she isn't now, but her battle with illness has took a toll on her. but back then she could've been a model. honestly! looking back at them, i thought i was looking at an urban outfitters catalogue. she was exquisite. she is timeless. she is also one to change her hair color [some pictures shes blonde, some shes red, and some shes brunette], wear heels [platforms], and drink coffee [theres one of her chugging a huge cup of it]... all of these are much like her daughter. she had such a magnetism about her. i must've looked at these pictures about 1000 times throughout the day. i hope i get that. i hope someday my children can look at pictures of me and think: "wow, my mother was gorgeous." but i doubt it.

i wish i could see her dance. i wish i could cook with her. i wish i could go shopping with her. i wish i could take her to toronto. i wish she could guide me. i wish lots of things for her and me.

just thinking of her being my age and being pushed by my father on a swing set - like she was in one of the photos - just bring tears to my eyes. i turn into such a baby when it comes to her and my grandfather. those are the only two, just the thought. just saying their names, and i'm choking back tears. exactly like i am now. i can't wait to upload these pictures somehow. i don't have a scanner, so i'm gonna ghetto it and just take a digital picture of the picture. but it will be done, and soon.

and now i'm afraid i have to go to sleep, i have started to cry. kind of ironic when you think about it... i said this wasn't a time for a sob story. and it wasn't when i was first viewing the images, but now i suppose it is.

sam contradicting herself; who knew?!





----------------
Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone

dear subconscious,

you should be doing my dirty work but i dont know how thats possible. since you've brought this man and his band into my dreams i can't stop thinking about him when i'm awake. i'm pretty sure thats just adding fuel to the fire, but hey, you made it that way missy!

i always knew i was my own worst enemy. but even as i type this, there's a smile on my face. and i'm 99.9% sure when i get done typing this that i'm going to go watch his videos... yup pretty sure.

this is what i've succumb to:


only, i wouldn't use the word "love"... in fact i wouldn't use that last sentence at all, but hey this is all hypotethical anyhow.

psssh; like my subconscious can read!!

oh well in conclusion, i'm a giggly mess now. thank you. these always turn out bad.

with love and hate,
-sam.

ps - at least you picked a really good guy though. i mean... our favorite candy bar is twix, neither of us eat meat, we love anchorman and canucks, and in all his blogs, i have only found one spelling/grammar mistake--its just too bad you had to pick someone on the opposite side of the fucking country. but thats ok, he's touring more and more now anyways. maybe later in the relationship i can talk him into moving to this coast ahahahhahah

oh relationship, what's that again?!
boyfriend?! i even forgot what that means.

but things are good.
:D

my heart's changing...

i miss missing chris.

i still think about him, but its more of a "i haven't seen him in awhile. i hope he's ok." i think things make more sense when i don't think about him honestly. at this point, i think we're in our own lives. maybe one day it happen like i always thought it would and our lives can match up for once, but for right now i don't see it happening.

at the beginning of the year, meghan and i were making jokes about our "replacements". to me, that was because chris had replaced benj -- completely. and i'm so happy that i had such a good guy to replace the heartache i had from the "ex". but now i think... [i don't want to say definitely but,] i think chris has a replacement now. but i'm 99.9% sure its only temporary.

whatever it is or why it's happening at all, i'm happy. i probably have my head in the clouds for the moment but there's a corny smile on my face every time i see a new picture or video with dp. i'm okay. i'll be okay without chris. and it's pretty clear, i'll be okay with him [if that time comes].

all good things:
-i wish him.
-come to an end.

it's nothing to cry over, in fact its something to smile about. i don't regret anything and i'll never regret falling for him. but i'm getting back up on my own. and you never know when there's going to be a new chapter.

i'm not where i belong yet...but i'm happy to know i'm getting there with a smile on my face.

you're changing your heart.

One, two, three, four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can't tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

past tense - broken.
and now fully repaired.

the answer to all your questions!

JUSTTT move!
then that will solve all of your problems.


maybe that's what i'll do...
move to california.
find a boyfriend.
move in with that boyfriend.
forget all about the family and friends i've abandoned in New York.
and he can be my best friend - fuck; my only friend.


and we will label it all as "just what people do."
yup, that's what everybody does right?

life and death

it's times like these i'm glad we're "normal". this man had it all going for him. i [like most of you] first encountered this beautiful man from "10 Things I Hate About You". and if you know me, you know if i have any downfalls it's accents and bad boys. that australian voice, piercing eyes and sexy smirk had me all in a tizzy as a teenager. all of a sudden every girl i knew wanted a "Patrick Verona" of their own.

and yet... look at the way he died, look how they all die. it's such a tragedy. and worse of all is that they suspect pills are what killed him. anyone can accidentally OD on heroin or coke even... but pills? that's so purposeful looking. nobody with pills beside their bed has never thought: "one more won't kill me." because it doesn't. popping them like tic-tacs does. i have to wonder what he thought was so bad about his life that he had to end it... if he even did. maybe he was framed. it is possible--don't believe what your naive minds want you too. and when you think about how many people in this world are willing to kill a person just because he played a gay cowboy? now i'm not saying this is the case. and i hope its not. at least as we know it so far, he died in his bed-- hell, thats how i wish i would go. i don't want to here later on that it was all a cover up. but do you really think marilyn died from an OD? i find it hard to believe. especially when she had no prior drug history... just like heath. but again, it's hollywood and we all know any kind of death you can possibly conjure up is available there.

in hollywood or in the real world; this is a horrible situation. we will all miss that unassuming charm, handsome features and sharp-as-a-tack wit on screen. and i for one am so sad about it. i've been in shock since i heard. even been crying off and on. he was such a promising young man with a gorgeous daughter and bright career ahead of him... now we will never know. let's just hope he is in a better place.
don't let the outcome tarnish the good...

rest in peace, heath ledger.
i'll always remember the good.

because i'm waiting for the second avenged video to be uploaded...

My ex is still: the same.

I'm listening to: avenged's afterlife video.

Maybe I should: not upload it again...

I love: so many things right now.

My best friends: is only one.

I don't understand: why i'm so hard on myself sometimes.

I lost respect for: so many things right now.

The meaning of my screename is: morrissey, morrissey, morrissey.

Love is: overratted.

Sexy Tara on GoofyAuctions.com is: what the fuck is it? jenna tells me it's not even worth googling.

Somewhere someone is: thinking about me.

I will always: be in love.

Forever seems like: a lifetime away.

I never ever want to lose: my best friend.

My mobile phone is: dying.

When I wake up in the morning: I stretch and pet my dog.

I get annoyed at: so many things.

Parties are: funner when there's less people.

My pet is: happy and thats the only thing that matters.

Kisses are: in my future.

Today: was fine.

I really want: what I can never seem to grab.

I live: where i've always lived.

I work: at trying to keep myself stable.

I think: it will all be okay eventually.

I smell: With Love.

I listen: to everything.

I see: through people.

I sing: into my hairbrush.

I can: read body language pretty well.

I daydream: every single moment I have to myself.

I fall: for men all the time.

I want: to make others happy.

I cry: more easily now.

I love: again and again.

I sometimes: wish things were different.

I fear: failing.

I hope: to keep moving in the right direction... if I have found it / ever find it.

I eat: very little.

I drink: diet coke now.

I miss: so many things.

I forgive: the one that can't forgive me.

I dream: about men I don't even know.

I kiss: my dog too much.

I hug: you to death.

I have: to believe that California will save me from myself.

I remember: more than I'd like to admit.

I don't: want to put anyone on a pedestal anymore.

I believe: when you know... you just know.

I know: that this will be better than last year.

I hate: not knowing all the things I want to know for sure.

because i fucking rule,

and couldn't find it anywhere...
it took about seven years to upload...
but in it's entire, orgasmic glory - the new avenged:



rawr. 50 days until meg and i see those piercing eyes, bald heads, ripped chests, sexy smirks and...tranchillas? well lets hope not the latter!

[ps - if you cant see this, it means youtube caught me and deleted it. and you will have to wait to see it :/ sorry, i tried...]

dear god,

the only thing i ask of you is to hold him when i'm not around when i'm much too far away...

oh how i love my lads... i know i'm partial but i thought this was the funniest thing ever. and can i just say how equally cute it is to. yes i know, all of a sudden i committed a cardinal sin by saying they are attractive and that is really my whole basis for liking them as people and as a band, right?

hey, is it avenged sevenfold's fault that they are fucking gorgeous on top of being fucking talented? no.
so it's not the dear and departed's fault for being fucking adorable.




'of course they don't have knees, i mean they might do'...
'penguins fucking rule.'
'i don't know if they rule.'
'penguins are good.'
'they're just like any other bird.'
'naw, they're good! they're-- good, lil buds.'
...'cuz they can waddle or they can just go: you know what? i'm just gonna slide.'
'yeah, belly slide - wahhhhhm.'
'yeah i watched March of the Penguins the other night actually.'
'i wanna see it so bad!'
...'lets just say penguins rule and they don't have knees.'
'penguins are alright.'

ladies, honestly... you can't tell me your heart didn't swoon a little when dan had that big grin on his face, talking about wanting to be a pirate. or blushing when learning that david doesn't wear underwear. or darren's clever argument into why penguins rule. and of course there's joel and his funny side comments like: 'i'd be a shark...but i'm nothing like a shark...i wish i could move that fast...i dunno, whats a relaxed animal?'

little things like that video make bad days seem a little brighter don't they?
ok well, at least mine. it doesn't take much for me to smile... especially when it comes in the form of British, Welsh and/or Australian men.

----------------
listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Unholy Confessions

55 days.

THAT'S ALL.
:)