and a word to the wise when the fire dies, you think it's over but it's just begun.

merry christmas to you too sam! i was sad when i didnt see you at our buffalo show :(
hopefully next time! xoxo
take care babe


- pretty much made my night. i missed my bats last sunday so i'm glad that at least they were thinking about me as i was thinking about them ... ok, at least, scotty was thinking about me hahaha 1 out of 4 ain't bad right?

merry chris-mas?

that was a portion of my first text of the day from my lovely best friend.

there's been something on my mind. and it just so happens, it has to do with ... well, them.

on one hand, meghan is without a doubt in my mind, the key motivator in my life. maybe that's because i'm in my twenties and everyone says that your friends mean more to you than anyone. could be true. but i've said it before and i'll say it again: she's more than my best friend. she's my sister. she IS my family. and no other person in my family has an impact on me like she does. i've never had the closeness with any other person that i have with her. and i know that when i talk to her about my future, her comments come from the heart and she only has my best intentions in mind.

then, there's the other hand. the striking, blue-eyed, unassuming, inked up hand. the hand that guides my heart. as much as i hate to admit this... i'm kind of straying from that hand. i'm keeping my options open, yes, but that doesn't mean that for one second, that i have let anything slip through my fingers. he is the most addicting thing i have ever encountered. and my life really has changed because of him. everything from music to my friends have evolved around that first time we locked eyes when i was 18. since then, not to many things have made sense - but they all feel aaamazing.

i think i've learned anything throughout this year it's that you have to do what feels good to you because you never know when it will happen again. and for the moment ... he is not what feels good to me. i mean, he is. fuck, when isn't he? his smile is about the only thing that can constantly make me smile the instant i see it. but, i'm keeping my options open. and things are happening that are really attracting me to the opposite sex lately. everything from blushing at j-kras on 'the office', re-reading scap's facebook messages, to giggling at how cute darren's accent is.

maybe it's just because at the moment, i'm more focused on california than toronto. which is where two of the above can be found most of the time. but even still, he lingers in the back. and the common thread there really; yup, even with krasinski. every once and awhile, i cry about him because i feel like i'm losing him up there. but you can't lose something you never had.

if it was suppose to happen, it would have. but yet, maybe the answer is: it will in due time. all good things come in time. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions but TD&D can't stay away forever. shit look at my record with the Cancer Bats, we tried how many times to see those guys? and BOOM we see um like three times in one season. so maybe that will be the day for me and chris. or maybe, just maybe, [and this brings a smile to my face as i'm typing] there will be someone else ... i could say his name ... oh wait, i already did. i don't know how it happened, but oh my god, it hit me like a ton of bricks. the accent, and the eyes, and the freckles, and the smile, holy moses - adorable. i'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket.

there ya go, it is what it is. and yup, guess who is still involved in the middle... but i have to accept the fact that maybe chris is not the final score. maybe he's only the halftime show. there's others who have taken my attention for the moment. i have a feeling that i will always have feelings for him. and perhaps, when i move to where he lives in a few years, this will change. and of course i still have to hit up toronto to see my city<3 and my friends and shopping and amazing shows. but right now, i'm kinda content watching john, watching these blake lewis videos meghan sends me via AIM with chris richardson in them [oh yeah folks, theres chris round three] and checking to see if spook lurked my myspace again hahaha

it's really not so bad ... waiting ... still waiting. hey, it's better than nothing.