you know who you are.

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.

I opened up my life to you
I've told you everything I knew
You listened so close
You listened so close when love was just a way out

But you're going deaf now
Yeah you've turned your head around

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

You blew up the world I built for us
Destroyed our secret universe
Threw out the trust I put in you
Making me feel like I'd been used

And now I'm reminded
That I was just blinded.

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
You'll be sorry to hear, I'm doing fine now.
Sorry to hear, you're without me now.

I'm doing fine, you'll be alright
Maybe you'll think of me tonight...
You're doing fine, I'll be alright
Just give me time, yeah...

Hello, hello, is anyone home?
Hello, hello, just pick up the phone.
I don't want to hear you're doing fine
Don't wanna hear I'm without you now.

I'm without you now


We are both without you now. It is better this way. Not like you give a shit. I'm trying not to notice things. Things that used to make me smile or giggle, things that now make me roll my eyes or scrunch my eyebrows. I'm learning to change even thinking about them. These relationships that I never even had... maybe because there weren't any chances. Or maybe because those chances ran out. It's ok; it's ok; it's ok. Nothing ever comes easy for me, but that's fine. That's how I learn. See all the men I seem to be tied to have one thing in common -- the road. For some reason, that's who I'm attracted to, since I was what 15? They are always leaving, or I am always leaving. That may be the problem, but I don't care. They aren't the problems with my heart/brain/gut, it's me. And I need space. I can handle long times apart, girls, drunks, trouble, what have you. I'm not jealous, or needy, or dramatic. What I can't handle is being lied to. What I can't handle is putting him a pedestal. No matter how gorgeous, no matter how sweet, no matter how strong - they are all human. They are going to make mistakes, and I can respect that because I make mistakes too... we all do. But I feel I need something now. And I always make something out of nothing, so I think I'm ready for makin another round of this shit haha

jaded.

it's safe to say, i have a lot on my plate. and i mean on any regular wednesday. not when my stress level is up, not when something's due. every single day. growing up means learning how to deal with every day as it comes in a healthy way. i've been an adult since i was seven. death doesn't really effect me anymore. tears don't really effect me anymore. sometimes i just feel dead inside. or numb. or comatose. dad never used to cry. i can't remember the last time i saw him cry. these past two months, he cries every time my mom has a seizure. every. time. and he can't even learn how to use his bank card without me. and i just don't the patience. today after my mom had the seizure, he started crying. right at the hospital. and my first thought was "jesus christ, get over it". and i was appalled with myself. i had a few tears fall too, but not like crazy sobbing... and i'm a crier [ask meghan].
i just don't know how to deal with things anymore. i feel bad for mom, my first thought is always about her. and it's usually "this poor woman." because there's nothing else i can do for her. but his crying fits as of late, just make me roll my eyes. i'm a horrible person. i must be. i remember when i was a little girl, i used to cry for every one. like he cried. he used to tell me: "you're gonna do this everytime?"
all of his uncles have/had alzheimer's. i think grandpa died before he would have gotten it to. i remember when his Uncle Don used to cry from just seeing his daughter from Jersey. Dad always said the disease makes you: "once a man, twice a boy."

i can't handle Mom's MS getting worse.
i can't handle a boy.
i can't handle me thinking about either of those.

"you do what you have to"
...i don't know what i have to do, so please don't tell me another cliche like that. drinking doesn't help. getting laid isn't going to help. therapy doesn't work. pills don't work.

rubbish.

hahahaha oh horoscope

"A lover's attentions make you feel like you're walking on air. They will do anything to make you happy."

haha lover? wow astrology you were wayyyy off on this one. although, i did make a new layout and people like it, so that makes me feel good. but lover? no. not in the least. i forgot how to fuckin spell the word 'boyfriend'.

tell the promoter

we need Morrisseys, we just sold out all the floor seats.
lovin Estelle's song "American Boy" ft. Kanye. she's been around awhile and am really surprised that she hasn't hit it big in the US before now, but that's ok. we all get out 15 minutes eventually. or so they say.

i think i'm getting sick and getting my period. double dose of misery. but i'm in a good mood. lot of things on my mind lately however: my one american boy, english boy, old canadian boy; TD&D telling me they appreciate my site; making banners for that site; what else i should be doing; due dates; how i'm eating; considering bikini waxes; wearing swimsuits in the most superficial state in the country; having three zits on my face; being in desperate need of a dye job; needing desperate need of a haircut but it not being long enough; working my abs more; not working my abs enough; seeing the used - or not seeing them if its sold out; my dog needing a bath; my bed being made only on weekends; needing new curtains; wanting new shoes and to see a shitload of movies that are out on video, at the theater or coming out; and thinking about when spring break is.

just a lot of thoughts... not necessarily worries yet. oh well, such as a woman's life right?