i'm such a fuckin nerd sometimes

i mean honestly, it's kind of freaking me out that i like two brothers haha no less twin brothers. i HATEEEEEEEE whenever girls who "want" them speak of them and it's always in pairs like "i love the berrys" or "Matt and Jason" this. then i realize I'M ONE OF THOSE GIRLS!

i am well aware that they are separate people. granted for me, it's more because i don't care which one i get i suppose hahaha maybe i'll let them choose. yeah, maybe that's what my brain is thinking... or maybe it just likes the option of both at different times. it's really a win win. jason i think is more outgoing and loud and funny as fuck... good for a party or hanging out. but matt is more like the guy i can bring home to dad and won't embarrass me in front of meghan. too bad my subconscious doesn't like the option of threesomes with brothers hahaha

ewww - honest to god, yes it freaks me out. you wouldn't think so with the mind i have but, yes definitely does. and if its gonna be a threesome, you know one of them is gonna be matt sanders hahaha i'm not a fangirl, i don't hate val, i don't google his phone number, i don't know his favorite color. but whatever, the dude is hot. and if i'm having thoughts about wild sex, shadows is in there. i'm not a bad person... honestly! haha

but to sum up my point...


and jason's face is like that becauseeeeeeee:

AUTOGRAPHS?! all of a sudden i feel like less of a freak hahaha pictures with sexy, funny men... maybe. AUTOGRAPHS OF ROADIES? ummm no. if i'm going home from an A7X show with sharpie stains on my arms its gonna be phone numbers; mmmm k?

ohhh PS - Matt has the Misfits' Vans Slip Ons, but Jason has Famous Stars and Straps hats; NOT EVEN PERSONAL STYLE IS GONNA HELP ME DECIDE! jesus christ, i feel like i'm having an election of my own in November.

ya know i make ya wanna...

soooo many sweaty biceps, so little time...
even zack, whut up stud?!

oh and who is this creature?

mmm hmmmmmm.
*& for meghan's future reference* - that's jason hahaha
oh my god, i am such a whore. i have these thoughts about him and his brother. at least it's not at the same time... yet. then we might really be in trouble.

things.

-safari makes everything look so much more prettier haha thank you apple/mac
-the lakers swept those bastards in colorado [meghan knows how i feel about that state hahaha]
-the first half of this day was just horrible. a lot of crying. a lot of being antisocial. a lot of just plain discontent. but the second half was so much better. maybe because i had things to do to keep my mind off of it. like the yankees [who also won btw], then How I Met Your Mother which is always entertaining, then RAW [which most of that was spent talking to Ericka via MySpace about it at the same time shit was happening], then the lakers winning... then
-i got lurked by jason hahahahaha thank good for my boobies. well this weekend, i commented him and was like "mmm hmm; look at those sexy biceps!" [hahaha i'm incapable of lying] and he hasn't been on since around 9. and i noticed that my page views went up. but i didn't get my hopes up cuz it was the same time i was talkin with Ericka. and i got so distracted that i forgot about it... untilllllll i noticed he was online again. 2x in a few hours for JB is pretty astounding haha i've been on the same time as him before and it's very quick on and offs. but this time, he didn't add anyone, or apparently read his messages [this was what i learned from a comment - i don't know his email no less guess a password to hack him haha]. so yeah... does nothing on myspace... except lurk me and others. i love it hahaha oh and i know this because of my "tracker" HB views, same time he was on and my myspace page views changed too at the same time.

usually something doesn't work but it did tonight, which i guess was a real blessing because... i so needed it today. i'm such a nerd and i let lil things make me happy. but it doesn't take much to put a smile on my face. not at all. and thinking about this man:

thinking about me? [to the left] it makes me smile. yes yes it does. shut up hahaha

oh and just to be super kinda whorish...


first one, JB and... fan?
second one, Matt and... fan?

and what does that equal for Sam?
seeing how similar they are, being unable to choose one flat out for personality/humor/traits, and thinking both are god damn adorable... even with people that they don't know haha

something tells me i'm gonna sleep very well.

love lost.

Luke: Anybody here? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute? It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow... killed people in the war and got drunk... and chewed up municipal property and the like. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right.
[Gets on knees, closes eyes and begins to pray]
Luke: On my knees, asking.
[Peeks up with one eye, waits. Then opens eyes and crosses arms]
Luke: Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case.
[Clicks tongue]
Luke: Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way.

my favorite movie is cool hand luke, the hustler, or cat on a hot tin roof. i can't pick one because they are all equally amazing. but cool hand luke has been on a lot lately... and i like to think there's a reason for it.




Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far
I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

my favorite band right now is avenged sevenfold. non stop. and when i got to urge to cry i said to myself "just put on A7X". the first song windows media chose was 'afterlife'. i'd like to think there's a reason for it.


right now it's april 27th. the time span between now and tomorrow, april 28th, i will be a motherfucking mess. excuse my language, but it really is how to best describe it. on thursday, april 28th, 1994, my grandfather died. i was 7 years old. i'm 21 now. and it feels like it happened yesterday. even to this day. as strong as i think i am, i'm breaking down. i always do. he was not only my grandfather, he was my best friend, he was my mentor, he was my father, he was my babysitter, he was my teacher, he was my little league batting coach, he was my horse trainer, he was my provider, he was my everything. he was my hero. and to this very minute as i lay in bed, in my room, with my dog sleeping soundly next to me, i haven't been home since he left. i miss him more than any other person i have ever encountered. i miss his laugh and his smile and his broken nose and wise green eyes and his hugs more than i could ever say and more than i could ever have words to say.

i want sooo much to be saved. or maybe i just want so much to have someone who wishes they could save me. i've become so fucking numb the past few years of my life in terms of love and relationships. and i don't know how that happened. my father says he married his soulmate. my grandfather used to write my grandma love letters even after she died... what happens if i get none of that - ever. i can't handle being my aunt marie. with all her anger and jealously at everyone else except herself. and i won't.

i always turn to men. my first instinct was to watch cool hand luke on AMC today because Paul Newman [even now] looked so much like my grandfather. and his character is my grandpa to a tee. never back down, never surrender. you can never tell him to stay down even if you could beat him, you could never defeat him. and that was my papa. the first man i ever put on a pedestal. the first man that loved me without any judgment. the first man that i cried the whole night for. the first man to shatter my heart completely. some people just never learn.

that transcript up there was the last scene of the movie. luke is in a church when he's speaking to "the big guy". that was where he died in the end.

the lyrics are from sevenfold's song 'afterlife'. which stuck me on just as many cords as my favorite movie. my grandfather was my place of peace and light and i hope that i get to see him again when i leave this place. that is really the only thing we live for isn't it? that our afterlives are better than the ones we live now. i don't care at all about what happens to me, i just want to see my papa again. please God, just let me see my papa again.

that picture above the lyrics of matt sanders..... that's my hero and image of strength now. hard to believe, right? i can talk more freely about this and him now that meghan knows. i remember the first time i saw him, even in all his gorgeousness i thought "oh my god, he has amazing eyes." he has the same color eyes as my grandpa. bright green with a light yellow encircling them. sometimes i just wonder where would i be if i didn't have the feeling of empowerment that him and his best friends have given/gave me. the only way i keep from not being on meds or the feeling that i want to kill someone or hurt myself, is by music. only his music as of late. not only avenged but bleeding through as well. i still can't talk to scheppati either. but to be honest, Brandan reminds me more of my father. the typical italian look ya know? dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin. i love my dad, but he really has no idea what i do in my free time or in my social life. i told him "dad you wouldn't even recognize your daughter at an avenged sevenfold show." and it was like he already knew, he just smiled and said "i'm sure." they are such a blessing to me. the only reason i'm starting to calm down now is because i'm singing 'a little piece of heaven'.

i started with grandpa covering my eyes when i was a little girl whenever The Undertaker came on and did the eye thing. i didn't want to look. it scared me to look. now i try to do it myself. figuring out how he does it. even this friday during smackdown, i tried haha the past and the present really isn't that far apart for some things.

it's alright to feel the way i feel, it's better than not feeling anything at all.

RIP papa, i love you more and more everyday. i hope you are with grandma and uncle noko, watching the horses or finally seeing frank sinatra in concert. i'll be up there eventually and you can teach your little dolly all the things i need to learn most. you are my only hope in humanity. everyone else is just human. i might have my favorites but you will forever be alone on my pedestal.

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Listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Afterlife